AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

If you were to go back to my original comment then you would see that this is exactly the point that I am making.

It is often suggested that there are higher levels of neurodivergence and poor mental health in younger generations than previously. I am suggesting that the levels are exactly as they always were, but that in older generations this is may present as very controlling or disordered behaviour around food, amongst other things. I also think that the diet culture of the mid 20th century onwards has cast a very long shadow. I don't think that many current attitudes to food are any healthier.

That’s three square meals and up to three snacks a day. Of course that is not disordered eating and it is not what I am referring to. It also bears no resemblance to what OP describes of her PIL.

I am referring to the cases on this thread of the MIL who puts out an enormous spread that no-one is allowed to eat, the family who eat nothing all day and then gorge at dinner, the half a biscuit for breakfast or tiny cheese and lettuce sandwich as the main meal of the day.That’s in the last few posts alone

Yes I agree with you, the OP's in laws have a very weird approach to food.

I'm not convinced there's any more outliers on disordered eating in the older generation than younger generations though.

There's probably been a group of people I'm every generation who have disordered eating habits. It just looks different.

I think some MN threads about food have quite concerning attitudes to food (both in the denial that portions are getting bigger, food as a way of managing emotions, ascribing moral value to food or refraining from foods, food as a 'treat'). Many of those posters will be the next generation of fussy older people with weird food habits.

It's the DH I feel sorry for.

He knows that his DPs aren't amazing hosts so tries to make sure his Dw has breakfast by taking the DCs away, then when she hasn't for whatever reason, he offers to stop at McDonalds.

He then has the embarrassment of his DM refusing food at 2pm and his DW seemingly reverting to a stroppy teen with her bags of rubbishy food and mid afternoon panini.

You'd kind of think in a situation like that you don't want your spouse to feel awkward so you'd eat a muesli bar or something to avoid that situation, not exacerbate it by refusing to eat until 2pm.

Yes it’s odd, I’m not going to feed myself, but I will then complain if someone else doesn’t feed me, go out, by a lot of crap and then sit on one of their bedrooms and eat in secret. They weren’t even there for long.

and then the In-laws apparently serving cheese sandwiches for dinner. And the op saying she repeatedly has been trying to tell them their eating habits of not having lunch aren’t ok.

so much food obsession.

That’s three square meals and up to three snacks a day. Of course that is not disordered eating and it is not what I am referring to. It also bears no resemblance to what OP describes of her PIL.

I am referring to the cases on this thread of the MIL who puts out an enormous spread that no-one is allowed to eat, the family who eat nothing all day and then gorge at dinner, the half a biscuit for breakfast or tiny cheese and lettuce sandwich as the main meal of the day. That’s in the last few posts alone.

And not even having had breakfast!

This reminds me when we went to my Brother in law once, traffic was bad and we arrived late. We were expecting lunch when we got there, they expected as we arrived late we would have eaten on the way. Just different perspectives.

When we go to our parents we establish beforehand whether we will need anything to eat on arrival.

I think if you were arriving at 2pm it's not unreasonable to have not laid on lunch, or have it available. Not having biscuits is a bit mean, but you needed more than biscuits.

@MyLadyTheKingsMother · Today 08:32

I hate people like this. They make you feel greedy for wanting three square meals a day and a couple of snacks.

Your not greedy op your normal. They are not! Go get good and eat!'

Wasn't op only visiting at 3pm though? Why would she need a meal then? Surely a cup of tea and acouple of biscuits is fine.

On the other side of the coin it annoys me when grown adults moan on they're hungry all of the time, not eating one of those "square meals" before they leave their house and expecting everyone else to feed them. My DM had a habit of doing this when I was heavily pregnant, I was running around making her lunch as despite arriving in the later paper of lunchtime she had never bloody had it! Conveniently at her own house she is never half as hungry & will sit there with no lunch, and tell me she hasn't got any biscuits in as hasn't been shopping!

Honestly I think you’re as obsessed with food as them. It’s very odd to turn up at someone’s at 2 starving, not having had lunch , knowing them then complain you’ve not been offered food. Quite ill mannered. I also find the excessive amount of food purchased a bit weird , and going into a bedroom to eat it.

but it’s equally odd to seve a cheese sandwich for dinner. I’m not actually sure I believe that. But it’s weird as fuck.

the whole thing is dysfunctional round food, but on all sides.

DrMarshaFieldstone
I think some of what we would perceive as disordered eating in the older generation is just a different approach to eating.

OP's in laws sound like they have issues with mealtimes, but I know a lot of older relatives who have a simple approach to food, and tend to follow a similar rhythm each day.

Often they'll have

• breakfast
• tea/coffee break or elevenses (if it suits)
• lunch
• tea/coffee break mid afternoon (if it suits)
• dinner
• supper if still hungry

I seems a little rigid at first glance, but I wouldn't say that's disordered eating. In fact I suspect it's a much more healthy attitude to food than some of the chaotic approaches to food some people have.

The culture of chaotic eating patterns and lots of snacking seems much more disordered to me. eg eating on the go, skipping meals, going to a drive thru because you've not eaten before leaving the house, cramming what you can down you at your desk, eating lots of UPF snacks, not having any rhythm to mealtimes, expecting snacks every 5 seconds, getting annoyed food isn't provided outside of meal times, needing to have a take out cup of coffee at all times. These types of eating behaviours seem to go hand in hand with either a treadmill type lifestyle or a chaotic /chronically busy lifestyle.

I hate people like this. They make you feel greedy for wanting three square meals a day and a couple of snacks.

Your not greedy op your normal. They are not! Go get good and eat!

I think of threads like this whenever I hear anyone comment on the apparent rising levels of neurodivergence and mental health issues in the population. Based on some personal experience and this thread the levels of seriously disordered eating (and potentially full eating disorders) are pretty high in my parents’ generation and older.

Why can't your dad get himself a snack if he is that hungry @whattodo22222 ?

My parents don't eat either and it drives me bonkers. My mum has a half a biscuit for breakfast. Seeing the halves in the biscuit tin makes me roll my eyes. My dad doesn't eat until dinner time, by which point he is consumed by hanger and loses the plot if anything disrupts his mealtime routine. Last time I was there he expressed his shock that I was having dinner after eating a hot lunch. FWIW, I am slim, breastfeeding and an amateur athlete so I don't know under what circumstances he actually thinks it's reasonable to eat.

Yes, perhaps she was worried about being late but you have a point😀

OP had the chance to stop for a McDonald's on the way over, DH offered to stop but OP said no.

I'm agreeing with you btw

Those ils are unbelievable

So when would she have time to eat lunch

Her ils are totally unreasonable

I wouldn't dream of having guests over and not offering them food. And I wouldn't assume that they've eaten lunch already. Not everyone eats lunch religiously between 1 and 2. Especially if they'd had to travel some distance to arrive at my house. I'd have sandwich ingredients in and I'd offer them tea/coffee, soup, sandwiches/toasties and cake. If they insisted they weren't hungry and/or had already eaten, then I'd still serve up the tea/coffee and slice up the cake at a minimum after a bit of go on, go on, go on a la Mrs. Doyle. They can take or leave the cake.

However, as you know your in-laws leave a very big gap between meals, and only eat tiny portions, you should have planned your trip better. Although I remember those crazy baby days and how it took half a day to get out the door.

Given that they're oblivious to etiquette around guests and feeding them, it would not be rude to get some food. Hopefully you've done so already - I haven't checked for updates.

My MIL is even worse.

She always has tonnes of food out when we arrive (plates of this, bowls of that, platters of mixed stuff, always DH's favourite foods from childhood etc) but if anyone - including DH - ever takes any she gives you the weirdest look and the atmosphere tenses up immediately. Then, after it's all been lying around for an hour, with nobody daring to touch anything, she starts complaining about the inconvenience of leftovers and not enough fridge space!

Worse is that in front of us she eats like a bird on a diet, underhand performatively, but she's at least double my size (and no medical issues - we'd know if she did, she doesn't hold back when there is one) so she must eat proper food, and lots of it, when nobody's looking!

Totally disordered. So, so weird.

Of course it's not rude to pop out to get food for yourself. If they're not offering anything for you then you need to feed yourself.

Same here. I would be so embarrassed not to offer guests something to eat and drink. How could you not? Weird imo.

Were you expecting lunch arriving after 2pm??

You need to eat properly so order in or pop to supermarket. Not your fault they are not hospitable.

I wonder why people get like this - surely they know not eating lunch and just having a lettuce sandwich for dinner is weird, and super weird if it's the 'hospitality' you offer guests? I'd never invite people round for dinner if I wasn't offering two courses, plus drinks and nibbles - I love to entertain, admittedly, but this is just normal isn't it?

It sounds like they think that being miserly/barely eating is somehow virtuous. Very Puritanical.