Page 12 | AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

Lizziebest · 2023-12-02T14:52:27+00:00

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers. Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks. Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back. Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over? I'm also breastfeeding!!

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:52

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:49

Okay an update

I have eaten a panini and a packet of crisp and a banana (in the street)

I've also popped in to sainsburys and bought 2 full bags of food and snacks enough for me and toddler. I don't think I can cope with sitting in front of them and eating (as much as I'd like to show them the normal appetite of a breastfeeding woman) I'll just go in the bedroom and sort myself out under the guise of feeding the baby. I've got enough to keep me going until and after the tiny dinner.

I can guarantee there will be an odd atmosphere about me eating even though it will not have impacted them in anyway- they are playing with toddler and DH has the baby. It won't be comments which can be responded to fairly easily but an undertone.

Oh god! You're staying for dinner?

Will it be a Mumsnet chicken that will need to serve four adults plus a toddler and then last the rest of the week for the ILs?

Punkkitty · 02/12/2023 15:51

@CurlyhairedAssassin
Doesn’t bother me if people don’t eat it or just want a glass of water or a tea or nothing. I will generally be having tea myself anyway while we chat etc so I just nibble at it and then put it away if no one fancies it. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:51

Punkkitty · 02/12/2023 15:44

Anyone coming to my home has drink/ tea/coffee/light bite like small sandwich/wheaten bread/sausage roll and then biscuits/buns/cake made automatically and put in front of them regardless of time of day.

I’m Irish though and my mother would disown me if she thought for a second I did not do this. Completely standard for me.

Sounds lively and so welcoming. You could teach my in laws a thing or two.

OP posts:

DaisyAster · 02/12/2023 15:50

ohtowinthelottery · 02/12/2023 15:15

If I had guests arriving at 2pm from a long journey (which went over lunchtime) I'd check with them in advance if they were having lunch on the way of if they'd like something on arrival. But knowing that your inlaws don't seem to eat lunch you should have either brought something with you of grabbed something en route.

I agree, if I had guests arriving at 2pm and they'd travelled any distance, then I would know they'd travelled over lunchtime and probably wouldn't have eaten, and would check. Generally, I like guests to be comfortable, not stressing about feeding themselves a huge meal at 10am because they know there'll be nothing at mine until 7pm.

Original poster

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:49

Okay an update

I have eaten a panini and a packet of crisp and a banana (in the street)

I've also popped in to sainsburys and bought 2 full bags of food and snacks enough for me and toddler. I don't think I can cope with sitting in front of them and eating (as much as I'd like to show them the normal appetite of a breastfeeding woman) I'll just go in the bedroom and sort myself out under the guise of feeding the baby. I've got enough to keep me going until and after the tiny dinner.

I can guarantee there will be an odd atmosphere about me eating even though it will not have impacted them in anyway- they are playing with toddler and DH has the baby. It won't be comments which can be responded to fairly easily but an undertone.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 02/12/2023 15:49

With all due respect, you sound bonkers!

You didn't eat breakfast. Fair enough, you were probably in a rush to get the two children sorted.

Your DH didn't pack any lunch for the pair of you. Why not? Presumably he knows you very well and knew you'd need food?

He offered you food on the way there but you turned him down and then you moan about the IL's eating habits even though you know what they're like!!!

You need to grow up!

I don't have biscuits or cake to hand as a rule because I don't eat them often. I also don't make myself hot drinks during the day, so you'd be doing well to get a cuppa out of me! 🤣

Unless you live hours away then I'd probably think to buy something in but I wouldn't if you were just popping in at 2pm for an hour or so.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 15:48

Punkkitty · 02/12/2023 15:44

Anyone coming to my home has drink/ tea/coffee/light bite like small sandwich/wheaten bread/sausage roll and then biscuits/buns/cake made automatically and put in front of them regardless of time of day.

I’m Irish though and my mother would disown me if she thought for a second I did not do this. Completely standard for me.

This isn't good hospitality. That is force feeding guests whether they want it or not. Making guests feel uncomfortable if they politely refuse something is not on. As I said a couple of posts ago, I had years of it with my MIL, looking askance at me if I said "no thankyou" when she put the biscuit tin in my face while we had a cuppa while visiting theirs, an hour after I'd had a massive breakfast at home and was stuffed.

AgnesX · 02/12/2023 15:48

If we know someone is coming we always have something to offer. What depends on the time and I wouldn't expect someone to spend most of the day without being offered food of some kind.

It's only good manners.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 02/12/2023 15:48

Your dh isn't amazing.. Sitting with a bf dw and no food and keeping quiet!!

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 15:46

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 15:38

I don't think anyone is disagreeing with you! 99% of people would ask "how was your journey? Have you had lunch?" as soon as they stepped over the threshold. What people ARE saying, is that OP knows they don't do lunch and have tiny portions, are a bit wierd if you mention you are hungry etc etc, so why on earth did she turn up having missed 2 meals. Having turned down a maccies on the way? As daft as the inlaws.

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Yes I see what you mean - but there’s still a strong victim-blamey tone, and MN is very tutty about food in general, and loves to see entitlement where there is just a quite normal expectation of decent human behaviour.

As I said in my earlier post, I think the ILs are rude twats who should be told (in less inflammatory words) that they diverge from the non-twatty norm so that in future they will be less rude and twatty. I don’t think the op should have to tiptoe round twathood, and I think that as in many instances of controlling behaviour, once you name it the controlling twat loses their power.

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:46

Punkkitty · 02/12/2023 15:44

Anyone coming to my home has drink/ tea/coffee/light bite like small sandwich/wheaten bread/sausage roll and then biscuits/buns/cake made automatically and put in front of them regardless of time of day.

I’m Irish though and my mother would disown me if she thought for a second I did not do this. Completely standard for me.

I wax so tempted to post to an earlier poster, were they Irish or Irish descent!

leilani83 · 02/12/2023 15:44

DelphiniumBlue · 02/12/2023 15:43

Yes ,this.
For 2pm arrivals I'd be asking if they'd had lunch yet, did they want a sandwich/toast etc.
I'm quite shocked to think that no one is offering a breastfeeding mother food, and that she's had to go out and get some herself.
DH needs to step up and go to his parents kitchen and get some food for his wife who is feeding his baby.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Punkkitty · 02/12/2023 15:44

Anyone coming to my home has drink/ tea/coffee/light bite like small sandwich/wheaten bread/sausage roll and then biscuits/buns/cake made automatically and put in front of them regardless of time of day.

I’m Irish though and my mother would disown me if she thought for a second I did not do this. Completely standard for me.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 15:44

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. 😆Don't torture poor hungry OP!

Mumofoneandone · 02/12/2023 15:44

I have a relative who doesn't eat lunch - we always meet out somewhere and he'll have a coffee whilst we have drinks and nibbles. We sort lunch out as needed for little ones/anyone else.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/12/2023 15:43

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 15:35

There’s no circumstance in which I wouldn’t offer some kind of sustenance to someone who has travelled to see me. Literally none. Surely it’s how you show your appreciation of their effort? Mumsnet is so odd on this issue, in RL it’s basic a basic global rule of hospitality no matter how poor.

Yes ,this.
For 2pm arrivals I'd be asking if they'd had lunch yet, did they want a sandwich/toast etc.
I'm quite shocked to think that no one is offering a breastfeeding mother food, and that she's had to go out and get some herself.
DH needs to step up and go to his parents kitchen and get some food for his wife who is feeding his baby.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 15:42

Conversely, I hope all the self-proclaimed "feeders" on this thread are happy with a "no, I'm fine thanks, I ate a big breakfast and I'm not hungry" and don't try to just present their guests with a plate of food and insist that you eat it? Had that for years with my MIL, she looks actually angry if you don't eat, it's really off-putting!

Original poster

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:41

Notcontent · 02/12/2023 15:27

What I find odd is that you can’t just ask to help yourself to some food. When I am staying with my parents I don’t even need to ask - I just eat whatever and whenever I want to (except obviously things set aside for a particular meal).

There's a possible MIL would drop dead if I did this. I think as the matriarch she sees this as her domain. E.g.I have taken a huge water bottle and when she sees it's running low she offers to fill it up for me I suspect so I don't go in to kitchen. The whole thing is weird tbh. Luckily Dh is amazing.

OP posts:

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 02/12/2023 15:41

Yabu pandering to this shit.. Turn up with a meal deal or a full on fish supper
..

Lokisbiggestfan · 02/12/2023 15:40

So your dh took the kids this morning so you could do what you needed. Then you still didn’t eat. Then he said let’s stop and get something you said no. You knew how the IL are about food and didn’t think to take something. Plus your there after meal time so that. But you think it’s not right that they didn’t offer something to you.
my dear this is a you problem. Different people do things differently and you knew that. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. And then every time someone say well this or that you make another excuse and put it on the ILs. This is not them this is YOU!!

lap90 · 02/12/2023 15:39

Visitors are always offered food in our home.

2pm is still lunchtime imo and dependant on where visitors are travelling from they may have not eaten lunch.

With that said, you know what your inlaws are like so poor planning on your part.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 15:38

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 15:35

There’s no circumstance in which I wouldn’t offer some kind of sustenance to someone who has travelled to see me. Literally none. Surely it’s how you show your appreciation of their effort? Mumsnet is so odd on this issue, in RL it’s basic a basic global rule of hospitality no matter how poor.

I don't think anyone is disagreeing with you! 99% of people would ask "how was your journey? Have you had lunch?" as soon as they stepped over the threshold. What people ARE saying, is that OP knows they don't do lunch and have tiny portions, are a bit wierd if you mention you are hungry etc etc, so why on earth did she turn up having missed 2 meals. Having turned down a maccies on the way? As daft as the inlaws.

Hopingforbettertimesoon · 02/12/2023 15:37

RumJerrySailorRum · 02/12/2023 15:04

Wouldn't matter what time of day or if it was a planned visit or unplanned, you would always be offered food and drink in my House.

Just the way I am. I can't abide the thought of someone being unhappy or uncomfortable in my home.

I second that. I would always offer food and drinks. As would my family.

also all the people saying OP should have gone prepared I think you are being a bit harsh. She has a baby and a toddler so I imagine getting ready is quite a rush. I get too that weird atmosphere that some people create around food. That kind of well we are not hungry how can you possibly be. I think it is hurtful just let the person eat.

definitely go and buy something OP

YireosDodeAver · 02/12/2023 15:36

If you've been there more than twice and know their habits then YABU not to just take what you need with you.

Aydel · 02/12/2023 15:36

In my extended family you would be offered soup, a sandwich and cake regardless of what time you arrived. If you were breastfeeding you’d be offered something else as soon as you’d finished eating the first offering!