AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

no wonder I am not slim. I don't think I've ever eaten just a cheese and lettuce sandwich for dinner!

no one comes to my house and leaves without eating until positively bursting. i am not always well enough to cook, but I will at least order something in.

in my culture, not feeding guests is a massive faux pas. not to mention that we believe poor treatment of guests brings bad luck and shame on the whole extended family (im not even exaggerating).

They are weird with food. Bring your own and chow down. Offer them some but don't feel bad if you end up eating it all.

I wouldn't give a toss what it looked like - as a BF mum you think of yourself and your child. If you are hungry - nip out and go to lunch or go to the supermarket for supplies. Eat whenever you want, if you want to eat in privacy, go to another room to feed the baby and snack at the same time?

Very rude to not offer your guests sustenance.

And an 8 week old newborn too! It’s just so odd. My parents ask us if we want a drink as soon as we walk in, especially in this weather. It’s the reason I can’t bear the thought (and never have in 10 years) of doing Christmas Day with them. How grim to be sat there starving and thirsty. They’re weird in many ways though, so I’m not actually surprised they are poor hosts, they don’t have any friends.

@Friedgreentomatoes1981 - by not taking a stand and politely asking for something to eat during the day and having dinner at 11, you’ve helped normalise their behaviour.

I had this when visiting my in laws last time. They ate breakfast at 8am, coffees all day, then dragged us out to the pub at 7pm and looked miffed when I said I didn't want a drink (I was so hungry I felt sick by that point, no way could I stomach a drink). Mother in law said she much preferred eating after going to the pub, but it was almost 11pm by the time we ate dinner.

Why wouldn't you discuss before visiting if they intend to do a meal, especially if it is over a mealtime?

I know some people like this with issues about meals.
It has taken a few years for my penny to drop.
The faux Pas has included: inviting family around only for there to be no FOOD!!!! ( EVENING) !!!!!!
Or any real hospitality apart from water or cups of Tea ..???
I now experience The Dropping of The proverbial penny.
I have decided that upon the next invitation I am going to take my own Meal ( microwave meal)
Because I'm fed up / bored with it all. I hate living with the uncertainty / craziness. And I am now taking back control because I hate feeling resentful towards the hosts for their shortcomings.

It is often suggested that there are higher levels of neurodivergence and poor mental health in younger generations than previously. I am suggesting that the levels are exactly as they always were, but that in older generations this is may present as very controlling or disordered behaviour around food, amongst other things. I also think that the diet culture of the mid 20th century onwards has cast a very long shadow. I don't think that many current attitudes to food are any healthier
I see what you mean.
I took it to be that there's more issues in the older generation.
Sorry for misunderstanding or misreading.

I'm British and didn't realise inhospitality was a British trait! I think it is mean.

It isn't a British person's trait. It is a mean person's trait, regardless of their nationality.

I wouldn’t say you’re being unreasonable because it’s family.
i think it can depend on the people. I wouldn’t necessarily offer food after meal times but if the in-laws come over we offer drinks & get the biscuits out. And they do the same for us. But they’ve also got a “help yourself” attitude. It’s my husbands childhood home so he’ll just help himself.

was the same with my mum too.

that being said at that time and breastfeeding and knowing that’s what they’re like, I’d be responsible for my own food! And a good chance to get some time to yourself too by leaving the house and going to get some food!

I agree with both of you and have always been hospitable, cannot imagine being otherwise. I'm British and didn't realise inhospitality was a British trait! I think it is mean.

@Mrs86 - I’m with you on this! Upthread someone suggested that this behaviour was the type expected of British hosts.
I agree that this is a gross generalisation, but at the same time I recognise that food is celebrated in some cultures more than others and that sharing it is often an expression of love and affection.

@FlipFlop1987 - i’m sorry, but I just cannot fathom it! How can someone be starving in their own parent’s house? Would the dynamic have been different if he was a single man and visited his parents? would he have free access to help himself to whatever was available to eat? Canned fish, cheese? Is it that you must exercise decorum as a married couple?

FGS, you’ve travelled some distance to get to them, and with a young child!
I’m sorry, on my visits to these in laws I would be showing up with my own food, let them gawk!

I'm Asian, if people are coming over to mine they're getting fed, even if it's not meal time, there'll be something I'll rustle up or have made before they arrive. 😂

@DrMarshaFieldstone I agree with you. Previous generations definitely had a similar incidence of neurodiversity and this often expresses itself through disordered eating and attitudes around control, self-denial etc. Food is such a massive part of human psychology one way or another. If we all understood that a bit better, maybe we could be more tolerant of one another and there would be less shame and fear around eating/weight.

My in laws are the same. If we get offered a cup of tea I nearly fall off my seat. Probably happened twice in 10 years. On our last visit we made a pack up for our 4 year old, it was the day after her birthday so it wasn’t an unplanned trip, it was also a special occasion. We live 60 miles away so left home 11:45am and got there about 1pm. No offer of anything. DH was starving by 3pm and knowing we wouldn’t be home till 6pm, asked if he could see if there was a sandwich he could throw together. All there was in the fridge was main meal items like big pieces of meat to roast. Who knows what they eat during the day. MIL is overweight if anything. We ended up inhaling a McDonald’s at a service station

Life is full of grey areas.
I think as an adult, it is your responsibility to feed yourself usual meals ie breakfast and lunch.
But equally life happens and there can be really valid reasons why you might not have managed to get those meals in.

They're your in laws. You can ask for food. And also you can source your own.
Either is fine.

I think the only thing is expecting someone to know your needs without stating what they are and asking kindly. That's on you.

Its fair if they do or don't feed you. Obviously nicer if they do. Nicer if of you don't rely on them.

I agree with what @LolaSmiles said.
Yes, the pattern she describes can be seen as a bit rigid, but I do think it is more normal than some of the chaotic patterns described.
I am often amazed at how much snacking small children are encouraged to do.

I often wonder whether other people consider us “normal” people abnormal. I suppose it’s all down to what you’re brought up with. But that whole visit you’ve just described is WEIRD! The fact that DH told them you hadn’t had breakfast and they still didn’t offer you anything to eat or drink is so bizarre. I’d be rocking up with a Maccy’s and a Starbucks just to make a point. Maybe take a cake with you next time and say “ I thought we could have this with our coffee at 3pm” see what happens.

This is such a cultural difference between English and ‘non white’ British - doesn’t matter what time it is - you have guests you feed them!

Please don't make generalisations like that.

This is the difference between English folk who don't know how to host and those who do. I am English born and bred and I always make guests feel welcome. The kettle goes on as soon as people arrive. I always have something in the house that people can eat, even if it is not a mealtime.

This is such a cultural difference between English and ‘non white’ British - doesn’t matter what time it is - you have guests you feed them!

Good lord, they sound like the biggest uptight nightmares - I wouldn't be going there very often if I could help it!

They sound so miserly!
for info op what do you do when they come to yours?

You are bf

You know you need to eat /snacks

Yet you didn't have breakfast and arriving at 2 so after lunch - yet didn't eat lunch /want to stop for a macd en route

So no I wouldn't expect anyone to feed you at 2 - I would think you have had lunch

Just take snacks next time or least eat breakfast and lunch then won't be starving at 2