Disagreement with husband over money

Sadly, he has turned out like your ex. I'm sorry that this was only evident after you'd had your first child with him.

You can start divorce proceedings once you've been married for 12months (unless things have changed). This guy is a selfish arse, get rid now. You could just kick him out as he's not contributing anyway, so not like you'll be in dire straights financially once he's gone. You can hit him up for CMS too. He'll love that. Any man who needs to be ASKED to contribute to his own children or household is not a keeper.

You need to readjust your mindset. It's not 'contributions', it's 'responsibilities'. And he isn't bothered with either. You're being completely mugged here.

Aaaaartgghhhhh.
So many red flags it's more like red bunting.
Please for the love of God get thee to a therapist and figure out what is at the root of this pattern you keep repeating in relationships and the men you are drawn to. Ideally while telling him he either sorts himself out and starts acting like a team, or you're out. Sounds like you would be no worse off without him! And emotionally, better off! You're being exploited and it's cruel and truly awful to read.

You are in an extremely strong position at the moment, living in your parents' house. Ultimately you can boot him out and you'll have the most understanding possible landlords. You have security from which to build a new life. Seize this moment, please. If you buy a home with him you give up all the power you currently hold to change things and it will be so much more messy and tangled. I am amazed frankly that he is being so cavalier with you, given he is benefitting so much from your set up at the moment - a secure rental, with a fat discount, all expenses paid. That says to me that he really thinks you're a total pushover and he can get away with absolutely anything. Show him it isn't true!

I can’t believe this. What are you doing? Seriously, what are you doing with your life?

Why have you married him?

I really think you need to go and tell someone in real life. Go tell your parents, go tell your friends. Just… tell someone who is actually physically present in your life and can help you get out of this and get him out of your home. And do not date again until you sort out your own issue; do the freedom programme and get counselling. Don’t date.

What on earth does this man add to family life?

It's not just the money. The money is a factor but it appears he has zero respect or interest in how happy and functional his household is.

I would seriously consider divorce. You can stay in your parents house and cover the costs yourself. You will get more out of him maintenance that you currently do.

I can’t believe what I’m reading. How can you let him get away with such disgraceful behaviour. Honestly, I would be leaving him, let him pay for his own bloody house if and food and servant. Stop being a pushover and take control OP.

Not read all the thread yet but this jumped out at me.

I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially.

You've found (and ffs, married!) another one. Do not buy a house together. Seek counselling, then ....unless he suddenly changes , ltb now. With only being a short marriage you get to keep your assets, stay longer and you will have to pay him to get rid.

Wow. He’s awful.

As a starting point you both need equal spending money. Everything else should be joint. If he won’t agree to this you dump and run it’s that simple. Do not buy a house with him.

Tell him if he's not prepared to discuss it like an adult and take responsibility for his children and household he can clear off to his brother's house again and take all his stuff with him. The divorce papers will follow idc.

Oh god, this. Do NOT buy a house with this man.

He doesn't do childcare? what if you go out for the night, or for a weekend, would he look after them then.

But yes, I would divorce Before you buy a house.

Good grief, why did you marry this total freeloading twat?

He doesn't contribute towards food, he doesn't eat. Simple

But I will be surprised if it doesn't end up in a big argument, he is very defensive. He will probably walk out and go to his brothers ( he has done this in the past).

Let him go. Tell him he can collect his stuff over the weekend (and have someone there with you). And immediately put in a claim for child support. Given that your parents own the house and he pays no rent, I suspect you are in a position to just kick him out of the house in a way you wouldn't if it was your joint home or joint rental. If you buy with him, you'll never get rid of him.

OP, you have indeed made the same mistake but you are aware of it and not tolerating it - well done.

The first reply sums up everything nicely

Don't even think about buying a house with this man until he has started paying everything 50/50 (or maybe 60/40 if he earns less) for a significant period of time.

OP you are a single parent in everything you do and pay, your H is not contributing physically financially and emotionally.

Sometimes we have to admit we have done our best but a relationship is no longer worth saving.
You deserve better . Your kids deserve a role model who doesn’t treat their mum like an atm and skivvy.

Dont buy anything with this man ! He’s really not worth your time or money

@moanymoanymoany I'm glad you are coming to realise that. this is the first step to the scales falling from your eyes.

and the reason he gets defensive is because he is using you and he will do everything possible to shut down challenges. I really don't think there is a way out of this apart from leaving him tbh. be careful though, he will try to bleed you of any savings/assets.

I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again.

Too late, you already have.

Get divorced now, op. It's doomed to fail, you might as well end it now before you're in too deep. A short marriage may make the split easier.

I have made it abundantly clear that when we buy a house we go half on everything deposit fees, mortgage and bills.

But why on earth would you believe him when he says that he will ACTUALLY do that, when he's behaving as he is now? 😣 Is it not far more likely that he will continue to take the piss?

You know being single isn't a terrible thing. You are already basically a lone parent in terms of support and money. He is also unpleasant to you. Dismissing you and not engaging in important conversations.

What is he bringing to this "partnership"? Why do you feel being treated like this is better than being in control of your own life independently as a single mother. You are already financially independent as you pay for everything.

Omg he must be really really good in bed for you to put up with this!

I have come to dislike the term cocklodger. it sounds funny and takes away from what this actually is. which is financial abuse.

I see a lot of women here confusing attachment with love. you have to like someone to love them. you don't like him ergo you don't love him.

this cannot be real

Please leave him. I’ve been there-making excuses for someone as to why they shouldn’t have to pay their way and thinking things will be different when you own a place together. Believe me it doesn’t change, it never gets better and it just becomes harder to leave because you have more ties.

dont buy a property with this man. He’s showing you now who he is.