Disagreement with husband over money

Are you a couple or two individuals living in the same house? I’ve never understood separate finances when people are married.

He’s throwing his toys out of the pram because you’ve asked him to treat you like a partner and actually contribute to his own expenses.

Even a lodger would pay more than him.

I’m shocked you’ve let it get this far, he must have been laughing. No wonder he wanted to buy a house with you!

I’m so glad you’ve posted on here.
You’re obviously a very nice person and your past relationship has left you a bit vulnerable to a CF like this.

You’ve absolutely dodged a bullet.

Oh and make sure he doesn’t eat anything or use any electricity etc unless he pays for it - he’s obviously trying to not pay for anything now because he claims he’s moving out.
Tell him to pack his bags asap.

Do not buy a house together until it demonstrates that he can contribute to the family.

We have a spreadsheet with all of the joint outgoings on. I work part time so my partner earns more than me. We don't split the bill 50:50 but we vary it depending on my earnings for something that is fair I think we currently are on 55:45. Some years my bonus brings me close to his salary and I pay a one off amount to reflect that our salaries are now closer. When finding the right amount we balance the % of earnings being paid into the account, the % left and the proportion we pay relative to one another. It's a bit of a juggle but this works for us. We have been doing this for 13 years now and during this time both of us have had periods of less money than the other person and be a bit fluid in amounts as long as it's fair on both of us.

Do you feel like the current situation is fair on you?
I would absolutely be pushing that if he will be capable of paying half when you buy a house why can't he do it now?

you should invoice him for all the months he didn't contribute

You both need to work out the cost of rent and household bills then agree to a figure to contribute for kids clothes etc. Once you know how much everything costs split it 60/40 with you paying the higher amount as you are the higher earner then any money you both have left in personal accounts is to pay personal DD and do as you wish with.
It amazes me how people (male/female) think they can just float through life without having to pay anything, why shouldn’t he contribute rent or bills…. He lives there and uses utilities. If it was me I would set this arrangement up and he would have to of been paying his share for a good few months before I’d even consider buying with him. If he didn’t want to contribute then I’d have to say ok goodbye go find yourself somewhere and pay 100% of rent and bills

Do not pool money with him. If he's not even contributing to this then you must not let him get at any of yours over and above that already allocated for joint expenses. Unless you're both on very low incomes then £600 isn't all that much difference at all.

Thank goodness your parents own your house.

You can ditch him relatively cheaply.

DO NOT let him promise you the world and come back. Let him go to his brother. Do not believe he will pull his weight in future.

He has had years to pull his weight. It’s too late for him to panic and start to help now.

End your relationship with this vile man who saw you coming.

Work on yourself on why you value yourself so low that you put up with this.

I just can't imagine how these chats work..
'You need to pay half'
'No I don't, you're unreasonable, you should pay most.'
'Oh ok then. Yes, that seems really fair.'

Well it's not really a joint account then. It's an account that only you put money in but he spends.

I have no idea why you only want him to contribute £300 a month to household bills that are £1400.

You let him get away with meanness and selfishness - towards you and your children. What kind of man does that?

OP, you need to see significant financial contribution from him long before you consider buying a house together. you are both living in the same rented residence right? so you should at the very LEAST get half the rent from him.

am i reading correctly that he doesn't even pay for his own food?
have you asked him why on earth not?

He needs to pay 40/60% of everything, as you earn more

Well done for texting him.

Do it again and hammer home how you want a man who will support you financially and look after you.

Im shocked that he lets you pay all bills and keeps his salary to himself

How much does he earn?

You ARE making the same mistake again.
make it very clear what his contribution needs to be (same amount left over after bills/ joint responsibility - ie he is not “giving” you money towards bills - they are his bills/ responsibility too) and throw him out if he doesn’t agree.
Dont but a house with him until this is sorted!!!

If you can't discuss it face to face then that is a huge red flag anyway.

He needs to sit down and discuss it all like a grown up. Add up how much everything costs and work out a fair split to pay it all. Ask to see his payslips or bank statements and show yours, to see exactly how much each of you take home each month. If he won't do that, then stop. Think about your future and your options. He needs to pay his way for himself and his children

To be honest though I would not be buying a house with him until he starts to contribute more now. Otherwise he will own 50% of a house that he will probably pay nothing into .

@moanymoanymoany

Sounds to me as if you are pretty much living as a single parent already. Paying all the bills, doing all the domestic work, and being the primary carer for the children. On top of this I expect you're cooking for him, cleaning up after him, providing him with sex. Jeez, he's got it nice, doesn't he?

Honestly, I'd get rid of him and BE the single parent you pretty much already are! I guarantee that you'll be less stressed, have less work to do, fewer expenses, and be happier without the resentment his cockloging causes.

You're in a house owned by your parents. It's the perfect time to kick him out because it's not likely he's going to 'complain to the landlord, now is he?

Try speaking to him again but suggest you each pay a percentage (for example 65%) of your income into the joint account which covers everything, including rent, bills, kids costs, groceries, trips etc plus a bit extra. DH and I did this as our income fluctuated from me earning a bit more than him then him earning 3x my income. At no stage would 50:50 have been fair (to us). The percentage system works really well and seems fair. If he’s not receptive to this idea then there’s something very wrong.

I'm astounded you only got married this year!!
Why, why, why??

FFS why do you even have to ask this, makes me so angry. Of course it's not OK. Why did you ever have kids or marry someone like this. Do not buy a house with him!

Are you sure you earn £600pm more than him? I wouldn’t trust him to be economical with the truth. You might find out he’s had a payrise and only earns slightly less than you do……which makes it even worse that he’s not paying his way.

Op, please, be smart and end this marriage now while you still have the upper hand. Kick him out and get a divorce. There is absolutely NO saving this marriage or changing this man.

After the dust has settled, get therapy. You need to figure out why you keep choosing unsuitable, abusive men.

"relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again. I'm getting the same selfish vibes."

Sorry to break it to you, but you've already made the same mistake again. Get the ball rolling on the divorce and take a bit of time to think through the red flags you won't ignore next time.

Let him, them get your lovely landlords to change the locks. Bet he’s not on the tenancy.

Well, at least you know you can manage financially without him. In fact you'd be better off not having to pay for his food! He knows what he's doing, he's only defensive because he knows you have a point. Don't let your DC grow up thinking this kind of inequality is normal.

@moanymoanymoany you've had a baby your problem, you have to feed, care for yourself and baby again your problem. Face it he's doing you a tremendous favour warming your bed in your parents home. Lucky, lucky, you. He gave you one of his precious sperm fgs

Get a big roll of bin bags, empty out every, cupboard, drawer, shelf. Fill every bag. Open the bedroom window etc and lob out each bin bag. Trust me it's easier and faster than carrying them.