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Original poster

Disagreement with husband over money

181 replies

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:06

I feel husband is very selfish and doesn't contribute as much as he should.

We got married this year and our finances have alway been separate and I am not happy with the lack of contribution from his side. I've not even asked for half of the bills or contributions towards the kids - I'd like him to contribute £300.

I pay -
All bills amounting to £1400 a month - that's including my personal DD. We also have children, I pay for everything for them ( that's not included in bills)

He sold his house and only has to pay for the car that he uses, I don't use it and he rarely takes me places in it. It's more for him to go to work, gym and also help his take his family places. The car is electric and pretty low maintenance- he pays for the electric used.
He has personal DD's that he pays for, they roughly come up to £400 a month.

After that his money is his and saves a lot after this.

I earn more than him roughly by £600 a month but we got into a disagreement about me asking him to contribute more. He made every excuse of how he has this and that to pay for.

We are going to buy a house soon with going half on everything. I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again. I'm getting the same selfish vibes.

He wasn't like this at the start, after we had our first child his attitude changed.

AIBU - to feel like I shouldn't have to pay all the bills alone and he does not contribute financially to the house hold/kids?

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 01/12/2023 16:30

You can make it "abundantly clear" til the cows come home but clearly he is not suddenly going to start to contribute just because you move house.

If you buy a house with a man who pays nothing towards his own children then you need your head examined.

Nanny0gg · 01/12/2023 16:29

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

Whatever.

YOU tell him it's over. And stick to it

Then go to CMS. That'll make him pay

Nanaof1 · 01/12/2023 16:29

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

Sorry, missed this one in the "read all posts". It sounds like he is trying to force you to beg him to stay. He will soon find out how little money he will have on his own and perhaps he will GTFU.

It also shows that he knew what he was doing was wrong, so now that he is caught, is just bailing until he finds the next woman to financially abuse.

Good on you, OP, for staying strong and realizing you were being played. Yes, you dodged a bullet, but better to have dodged it than to have been struck down with it.
I wish you the very best in the future and I think you will do smashingly.

Nanny0gg · 01/12/2023 16:28

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:42

Definitely not, especially before such an important move. I have made it abundantly clear that when we buy a house we go half on everything deposit fees, mortgage and bills.

But I will be surprised if it doesn't end up in a big argument, he is very defensive. He will probably walk out and go to his brothers ( he has done this in the past).

Show quote history

What's to love?

Seriously, what's to love?

If I was kind I'd say he was taking the piss, but actually he's stealing money from his own family.

Start making plans. He won't change

Cailleachian · 01/12/2023 16:26

Penguinsmum · 01/12/2023 14:51

Omg he must be really really good in bed for you to put up with this!

Do you really think women stay in abusive situations for sexual pleasure?

Really?

therealcookiemonster · 01/12/2023 16:25

justasking111 · 01/12/2023 16:15

Oh yes do another poster on here last month found everything drained inside a day.

Show quote history

exactly why I suggested it. and not just one poster, seen it a few times in the last year alone.

randomusername2020 · 01/12/2023 16:22

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/12/2023 16:18

Do not buy a house with this person.

Really.

Don't.

You're going to be setting yourself up for a whole heap of heart ache and trouble if you enmesh yourself with him further.

He is a miserly man. You would be better off separating and then divorcing due to irreconcilable differences.

Noshowlomo · 01/12/2023 16:18

You definitely dodged a bullet!

justasking111 · 01/12/2023 16:15

therealcookiemonster · 01/12/2023 16:08

@moanymoanymoany if I were you, I would take out all the money from the 'joint' account. otherwise he will drain it.

Oh yes do another poster on here last month found everything drained inside a day.

Strictlymad · 01/12/2023 16:14

I always think it’s better to see it as what you take out for personal spends, than what you put in. You are a family unit with family income. Get both pay check to pay into joint account. Out of this comes all bills, car, food, kids clothes etc etc. Save a chunk monthly and take out an agreed amount to personal accounts to do what you will with. Ynab is a fab price of software for analysing expenses. And no do not buy a house with this man…..

greencheetah · 01/12/2023 16:13

The threat to move out is your cue to get back into line. Don’t fall for it.

It is a shame you are married, but at least you haven’t made the mistake of buying anywhere with him.

What a Wankbadger he is! Do not have him back!!

arethereanyleftatall · 01/12/2023 16:12

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

Great news op. Yes a bullet dodged. You won't see it like that yet, but give it a while and you will.

therealcookiemonster · 01/12/2023 16:08

@moanymoanymoany if I were you, I would take out all the money from the 'joint' account. otherwise he will drain it.

SoTiredNeedHoliday · 01/12/2023 16:06

PickAChew · 01/12/2023 15:54

Make sure he follows through, then rather than just using this as a way of having a pointless tantrum designed to do nothing but shut you up. Lock the door securely behind him, both literally and figuratively.

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Exactly as @PickAChew says, I would bet he's just trying to get you to forget it to 'keep him'.

You absolutely can't be paying for everything and him benefiting from it and then treating you like this when you bring it up...... So lucky you haven't got the house yet, imagine how that would go!

Nanaof1 · 01/12/2023 16:05

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:24

I thought he had the same mindset as me and would take care of me, how I was wrong.

I love him obviously, we have kids together and I didn't think he was like my ex at all

Show quote history

Well, now you know how he really feels, and it's totally up to you to fix it.
He doesn't want a joint relationship with sharing the costs. He adds nothing to the food budget, but I am betting has no trouble spending it, he gets to do whatever he wants with his money, while yours goes into bills and child costs. Your NAADH has found a good thing and will be as abusive as he needs to be to not lose his golden goose. IOW--he's a cocklodger, as he knows you did it once so why not for him as long as it lasts. (NAADH=Not At All Dear Husband)

Hopefully, you value yourself more than that. You buy a house with this man, and he will end up taking you for everything, as he will get all the benefits and not the responsibility of owning a home. Please, be smarter. He would give me the "ick" for acting the way he does, and I would be falling "out of love" PDQ.

sparkellie · 01/12/2023 16:04

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

Tell him not to come home, and pack his stuff for him.
Otherwise he will just keep coming up with excuse after excuse for why he hasn't moved out yet, whilst continuing not to pay towards the bills.
He's told you he's moving out. You just have to hold him to it.

Spottyplant · 01/12/2023 16:02

Ask him to leave. Divorce him. Financially you will be better off and he will have to pay Child Maintenance.

Luxell934 · 01/12/2023 16:01

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

I'd say good riddance. Although something tells me he will come crawling back when he realises that if he moves out on his own he will have to pay 100% of bills plus child support.

LizzyA123 · 01/12/2023 15:59

You need to apportion all shared bills in a ratio based on your take home pay and child benefit received etc. Each pay the relevant amount from your personal account into the joint account that bills are paid from. Next apportion any variable joint costs such as food shopping, kids clubs, unforeseen joint expenses etc the same way.

Each pay for your own loans, phones, cars etc.

Works well for my family.

MammaTo · 01/12/2023 15:57

I think you’re a bit late in asking the question. You’re already married and have kids with him, what difference will moving in make to him?
You’ve attached yourself to him already so all you can do is get him to change his mindset or make plans to leave.

Mylovelygreendress · 01/12/2023 15:56

Borth · 01/12/2023 15:52

Are you a couple or two individuals living in the same house? I’ve never understood separate finances when people are married.

What is it you don’t understand ?
Surely it’s not hard to understand that people happily and successfully do things differently ?
DH and I have been married for 30+ years and only have a joint account for bills . Everything else is separate. No problems .
( sorry OP for derailing )

PickAChew · 01/12/2023 15:54

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

Make sure he follows through, then rather than just using this as a way of having a pointless tantrum designed to do nothing but shut you up. Lock the door securely behind him, both literally and figuratively.

followmyflow · 01/12/2023 15:54

sounds like hes throwing a tantrum op. ugh, why do people do this? it's not hard to behave like an adult. do you think hes capable of discussing it rationally eventually?

Giggorata · 01/12/2023 15:53

I've read this thread in dismay. Please listen to everyone and bin this man. He is conning you rotten.