Co-parenting disagreement - the role of a parent?

I’d say most 11 year olds still need prompting lots to get into a routine. Leaving a child to their own devices is a recipe for disaster as you’ve found out.

11 years old and shuttling between 2 houses. That's really hard. And been ill. Bloody hell given them a break. All this while B remains in bed and partner. No. Not reasonable.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it made me well up a bit because this was my experience between homes too.

I think that's the thing - it's not whether his Dad is building independence or not, it's that he's happy to send his child off to school without making even the most minimal effort to even see him and it feels sad. You value your time with your son and are happy to rearrange things to make extra time for him when he needs it most and your husband not only doesn't but wants to add punishment on top!

I know the conventional wisdom is to avoid bad-mouthing the other parent, but I honestly found it such a relief when my mum finally started admitting that she disagreed with my dad. It made me feel as though I was going mad having this otherwise 'normal' person acting as though his parenting was fine when I felt so sad about him not wanting to see us.

I'm not advising a full on slagging off, but I think it can be helpful to sympathise and acknowledge to some extent that you don't agree with his dad's approach, at least so he understands that you are on his side even if you respect his dad's right to parent the way he does.

@Blueotter22

you sound a lovely mum, giving your son some responsibility but accepting he needs chivvying up

his father sounds awful, and would appear to prefer supporting his new wife and child at the expenses of your joint child

at some point your son won’t want to stay there any longer, and will be old enough to make that decision

you carry on as your are, you are doing nothing wrong

I still do this for my 16 year old. Mostly she's up already by the time I check, but occasionally she's slept through the alarm. I feel it's my job to check she's up, make sure she has a packed lunch/breakfast/drink. She takes herself to school but if it's raining or cold and we have the time, she'll get a lift. She's my kid - I want to look after her and see her off to school in the morning. I dgaf if that's babying her, she has plenty of time to be a grown up!

Why wouldn’t you get up with your child and help him start the day well ? What is this world where teenagers are so unloved

I genuinely don’t know what other people do with their 11 year olds, my sons friends all get driven to school/nearby to walk and he doesn’t have any friends who walk 40 mins or get the bus on their own. So I don’t know what is reasonable for his age, hence I’m here showing curiosity and open to others views.

OP there are literally tens of thousands of secondary school kids catching busses and/or walking to school up and down the country every day, many of them through areas you might not feel comfortable with.

Your ex is taking the piss I think, but more fool you for accommodating him though. I get that you want to ensure your ds is safe but at what age will you think he's independent enough to manage a bus and/or walk to school. I suspect that at least half of his schoolmates don't get lifts to school, that would be utter chaos in the mornings!

B is a lazy fucker and a neglectful parent imo. At 11 children do still need actual parenting. Theres plenty of time in life to be a responsible adult - 11 isn't that time!

I think the child should be living with A full time.

OP he clearly is doing this to avoid paying maintenance the 50/50 isn’t in your sins best interests where his half sibling and step mum are the priorities over him and he is punitively punish for not getting himself ready.

talk to your son as I would change the arrangements to help him and you. And stop defend8ng your ex

B’s an idiot.

B should have more patience and make allowances. DH and I have these conversations about DS1 as I think DH is too soft getting him up and making him breakfast. DH thinks DS1 needs help as he has very busy full on life with job and A levels, works hard etc. But DS1 is nearly18 not 11.

B sounds like a tosser that has 'replaced' his older child with a shiny new sibling.
Who the hell stays in bed until 8am when they have a baby and older child at home? He could get his lazy arse out of bed and actually parent his child and make sure he's awake and having breakfast before school.
My 17 year old is obviously capable of getting himself up and out of the door but he has missed his 6.30am alarm on the odd occasion, I still wake him up because why wouldn't I? Why make someone's day harder than it needs to be to prove a point?
B needs to stop being a lazy fecker and actually parent his 11 year old child.

B has clearly wriggled his way out of paying for child maintenance. He should be doing school drop off on his days. If not he should be paying you petrol money. Why can't he wake his own son up fo school.

You are notbabying him. Poor child. Parents should be there to help a child start the day on a good footing with food and company on the school walk. Your ex is a bastard

B is clearly the man. What a tosser. He’s 11 poor kid

I can honestly see both sides of this one. Sorry, I know that's no help!

From a young age, my weekends at my dad's house began with my brother and I creeping in the front door, watching TV quietly and then, when the time was right, making him and his wife a cup of coffee and taking it upstairs.

As a young child, I thought this was normal and I kind of enjoyed the responsibility. As I got older I just thought 'he says he misses us, but he's not even pleased to see us when we get here' and as an adult, I haven't had any contact with him for more than a decade.

Kids who grow up between houses already have a harder time than those that don't - a bit of kindness and support goes a long way towards mitigating that, whereas leaving a youngish child to get ready by themselves to accommodate your new partner and baby goes a long way to alienating them and making them feel unimportant.

Stuff like this is why I think it's often really detrimental to older children to have a baby (half) sibling. Too often, they're suddenly expected to be grown up and not need any help. It's really unfair.

I would keep a couple of cereal bars in the car. I also think making your DC's walk shorter when you can is kind and not babying them. You could probably scale back some of the morning reminders, but I would still check they've woken up.

The transition to secondary is a common time for parents to start working towards independence in terms of getting to school.

If the family live only a few minutes walk from school this is when the kid starts walking on their own; many primaries teach cycling skills in year 6 because a lot of kids go a a secondary a bit further away where it is a bit too far to walk every day especially if the weather is bad but it's a reasonable cycle.

In your shoes I would do two things -
One get some cereal bars and drinks to have in the car
Two start thinking about how you can build to independence. Can the child cycle from yours and text you when he is there? If cycling isn't a possibility could he do the walk to either/both homes sometimes - this is often when kids talk to their friends and a big social time.

Fundamentally he overslept once. B is dealing with a baby. I personally would be getting up each day to check that the kid had made it out on time but it's reasonable not to, especially at 11 and with a non-sleeping baby.

Glad A decided to pick child up in the end. (iirc?) cos b was a twat and still is.

Yep. Keep cereal bars/drink in the car.

Kids 11 and still needs support.

Kid is nearly old enough to decide where to live. Putting my 10 on betting they'll be back with you soon (a year or so)

B's parenting style is to suit his own convenience, not because he thinks what is best for the child. That's the issue.