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Original poster

Co-parenting disagreement - the role of a parent?

219 replies

Blueotter22 · 29/11/2023 14:49

Im looking for some genuine honest opinions and I’m going to try and keep my personal feelings/emotion out of it because I’m just interested in what the norm is..

Co-parenting situation: 11 year old boy spends 50/50 split with parents, who live close to each other. Will call parent A & B for the sake of trying to be unbiased. A drives, B doesn’t. A does all school drop offs and pick ups/ fits this around their work diary. B works from home and lives with partner and baby (9 months). A lives alone.

A collects child from the street next to B and takes to school at 8am, every morning when child has stayed overnight at B’s. Child is usually on time every morning, child has some difficulty with time management/forgetfulness but has been trying really hard with his morning routine and there has been big improvements at both houses. Child has been poorly and off school, so returns to school having had weekend + 2 days off (broken sleep due to illness/out of routine). Child woke up at B’s and accidentally turned off his alarm, meaning he woke up at 7.55 when due to be collected at 8. B calls A, and B is angry on the phone saying child has slept in so he’s just getting dressed now and won’t have time for breakfast. A says there’s always time for breakfast, he can bring it in the car. B says no, it’s child’s fault for turning off alarm and this is the consequence. A collects child, child is upset in car saying they didn’t realise they turned off the alarm and consequence is no technology for 3 days. B did not send breakfast for child.

A’s view: At 11 years old, child still needs a parent to help in the morning for prompts and to keep on time. At A’s house, child sets alarm and doesn’t sleep through it. A will call in “are you up” etc. A will get ready for work alongside child, ocassionally prompt “have you got your PE kit” etc or sometimes 5 mins left etc. A thinks B is too harsh, and it’s the role of a parent to make sure their child is at school of time having had breakfast and with the right equipment. A thinks B should set their alarm and get out of bed to make sure child is up.

B’s view: How will child ever turn into a responsible adult if they can’t get themselves up and ready in the morning? B expects child to get himself up, dressed, breakfast on his own while B & partner sleep. Child is responsible for leaving the house on time without B or partner awake. This is building life skills so he is a functional adult. B thinks A is too soft and is damaging child by reminding him and not letting him experience the consequences. Eg; no time for breakfast, you don’t eat.

Who is BU?

For poll: you ARE = Parent A unreasonable
are NOT = Parent B unreasonable

Thoughts/ views/ opinions/ advice - all welcome.

thank you

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 30/11/2023 19:37

Blueotter22 · 29/11/2023 20:56

Thank you, this absolutely makes sense and I agree with you. I agree with lots of the comments on here, very reasonable responses.
What I’m struggling with though, is imagining my son would do any of this and learn from it. I’ve suspected for a while he has certain ADHD traits, but overall not severe enough to pursue a diagnosis. But the more I read these comments of what other parents expect of their 11 year olds, it’s worrying me slightly.

Cause and effect type consequences don’t work for him. He literally forgets simple instructions and does not think about forward planning or problem solving.
for example, today he comes home and Wednesday is his free night with no after school clubs, so it’s chore night. I’m still working (from home) and I give him a list of jobs he needs to do around the house before he goes on tech. He’s fine with this, likes to help out. First instruction was to hang his coat up because he always just dumps his coat wherever he takes it off (unless I’m stood right next to him to remind him coat goes on the peg)
So I give him the instructions, on an actual list so he can remember his jobs. I say, okay what’s the first one? He says - get changed out of my uniform.
No, try again.
scratches his head, looks around (coat is literally on the sofa infront of him)
finally looks at his list..
Ohhh hang my coat up. Okay yes, I’ll do that.
Leaves the room, spends 5 minutes searching the house, Mum can I have your car keys I’ve left my coat in the car, I say no you haven’t, he then starts panicking oh I must have left it at school. No, it’s right there.. eyes to sofa (which is literally infront of him) Ohhhh.

This is a daily thing.
Finishing his drink in a glass, getting up to go to the kitchen to put his plate in dishwasher (prompt), comes back with a new glass full of juice. When he literally finished his glass and walked away from it, just leaving it empty.

Clothes, dropped on floors where he leaves them. Constant prompts every single day to remind him. Post it notes on cupboard doors. Reminders on Alexa. It’s like he forgets instantly, and it genuinely upsets him when he misses something/can’t remember.

If I left him to his own devices, he wouldn’t eat or drink until he was starving or really thirsty. At weekends I need to constantly prompt him to come and eat something/ have a drink. He’s just so underresponsive to certain bodily sensations that he will not register it or be prompted like a “typical” person. He just won’t eat or drink, he’ll forget/get distracted until the signal is too big to ignore.

Im open to pulling up my socks and reflecting on my own parenting approach, absolutely. But I also do think that some of his struggles are not lazy/behavioural and he does need prompting from myself or his Dad.

Show quote history

There's enough there to start making a list of his difficulties.
Sensory .. not knowing when hungry, thirsty. Any other over or under sensitivity?
Executive function skills.
Is he "young for his age?"

It's fine to support kids with difficulties. Just because your average kid can do xyz, doesn't mean all of them can. You parent the kid you've got. And work from where he is now to improve.

I'm also concerned that dad filling his head with excuses for his lack of parenting.

SecondUsername4me · 30/11/2023 19:09

vernatheraven · 30/11/2023 18:45

Why couldn't the child have breakfast in the car?

. We do this if we are running late. We have a travel mug aswell for tea which we take every day as it's a 20 minute drive.

Did you even read the opening post?

Original poster
Blueotter22 · 30/11/2023 18:47

Thank you to everyone for your really kind comments, it really means so much to me as this situation is something I’ve been struggling with for a long time. I don’t have many people in real life around me to offload to about this.

I live in this city which is 200 miles away from my home city, I moved here when DS was a baby as his Dad basically gave an ultimatum of it’s his city or we can’t be a family. I moved away from my support network so that we could make it work, that should have been the red flag I obviously ignored.

I feel like every time I raise the little things such as clean uniform, wearing appropriate clothing, sending him to school with a water bottle etc it just gets laughed at and minimised. So for years I’ve been just bottling it up and to read all your responses has been so validating, that I’m not expecting too much from co-parenting.

From some of the earlier responses to my post I was seriously doubting myself that I am a helicopter Mum. But then I’ve read some really lovely comments which perfectly summarises how I’m not damaging my child by wanting to make sure he’s prepared for his day, for wanting to spend those moments in the morning with him. I do think I need to be promoting more independence but I’m going to see how I can do this in a skills focused way, a graded approach to independence because he does need it but at a pace and with lots of love and a safe person to fall back on and make those mistakes without unfair punishment. Thank you all for taking the time to read my posts and share your thoughts

OP posts:
vernatheraven · 30/11/2023 18:45

Why couldn't the child have breakfast in the car?

. We do this if we are running late. We have a travel mug aswell for tea which we take every day as it's a 20 minute drive.

Watermelonbathbomb · 30/11/2023 17:58

You sound like a great mum. If I only had my kid with me 50 percent of the time I would make the most of every single breakfast with them - baby or no baby. I love walking with my DC to school especially as I know it will not be for much longer.

AnneElliott · 30/11/2023 17:12

B is a twat. What is it with these men who have a new baby and don't drive and don't bother to feed their kids before school!

My friend has a very similar ex. Let's the 15 year old come home at 10pm in the dark after sports training as dad can't be bothered to meet him and of course doesn't drive.

I agree with a pp that you shouldn't say you agree with the dad if you don't. I don't mean slagging him off but I wouldn't defend behaviour I thought was neglectful.

My DS is 17 and I still knock on his door to make sure he's awake on a school day! As him laying in makes the morning difficult for all of us. At 11 i don't see the issue - no way would I lie in bed while DS got up at that age. And sleep deprivation comes with a baby surely!

pikkumyy77 · 30/11/2023 16:33

On some level your DS knows that if he doesn’t go to his father’s house during the week his father will not bother to keep in touch—its out of sight out of mind for him. And your ex will only put himself out for the child of the woman he currently needs for sex/companionship. To the extent he cares about and identifies with your son he is raising him to be resilient and NO WORK for himself. That is his ideal in a child. If the women choose to bend over backwards and do extra for the kid—as long as it doesn’t affect him or make him look or feel bad—he doesn’t mind. But the second his eldest’s needs conflict with his needs or remind him of his own vulnerability or shame he will freak out and go on the attack.

Please keep being there for your son—those pick ups and drop offs are precious moments that will build a lifetime of security in your son. From that place of knowing that he is loved he will be more resilient and capable, not less.

Sjh15 · 30/11/2023 16:30

While it’s correct it’s a natural consequence, I find it really hard to accept it’s ok a child goes to school not eaten and is probably expected to focus all day at school. How would parent B like it if they are expected to focus all day at work hungry

to add - even on B’s time, A seems to still be doing all the parenting…

TrustyRusty68 · 30/11/2023 16:08

Blimey! What kind of parent lets their child go to school without breakfast? How do they expect them to learn all day, upset and on an empty tummy. That’s awful behaviour! Children at that age are growing, settling into secondary school & all kinds of other stuff - a quick ‘are you up?’ wouldn’t go amiss. Pretty poor behaviour from the parent, in my opinion!

Fernsfernsferns · 30/11/2023 15:52

Tomtomthepipers · 29/11/2023 21:48

OP - you’re a lovely mum and instead of viewing this as infantalising your son you can view it as demonstrating what it means to be there for someone in real terms.

My parents split up when my brother was only a bit older than this - my dad used to pick him up and drive him to school every day, not to make him an incapable human being, but because he missed him and valued having those few moments together every day.

If you make sure this is the element that is stressed - ie. it’s not that he’s incapabale without your help, but simply that you value being there for him wants spending time with him (and totally hear you about wandering about in the dark in these winter months as well!) He is also getting old enough to appreciate that people have different views on things and that you parent differently to your ex. You don’t have to paint his dad as evil - you can understand how the baby factors in etc, but it’s also fine to reassure that everyone sometimes sleeps through an alarm/forgets something etc and it’s no big deal. (Also yes to breakfast bars in the car just in case!)

Far from being some incapable waster my brother is a high achiever, not least as one of the top three most supportive husbands and fantastic hands on dads I know. So it clearly didn’t do him any harm to have some extra support!

@Blueotter22

Agree with this.

you are a lovely mum and it’s a tricky position.

thunk small changes like getting him to walk to yours on days you take him are a good idea.

also means you can have some cereal bars in the car for him if he’s not eaten.

maybe as the summer term starts you could consider him walking himself to school from his dad’s

it does sounds like your son is idealising his dad and doing that trauma bond thing of overlooking his dad’s neglect.

think being neutral and reflecting that back when it happens is the way to go.

hes young and it’s natural he looks to his dad

Sounds like his dad is a bad male role model though. Can you bring other male figures that are better men into his life?

also to watch out for your son not taking on his dad's ‘women are there to serve me’ misogyny

Tiredhotmess · 30/11/2023 13:53

I'm with parent A on this one. As the mother of a child who used to be exactly like this, I can completely relate to this story, and I would never have punished her for this as she genuinely couldn't help it. I saw it as my job, as a parent, to ensure she was where she needed to be at the right time, with the right equipment, even if that meant having to give constant prompts and reminders. Some kids have more difficulty than others with organisation and time management. My dd was diagnosed with dyslexia some years later and this is apparently a common trait.
For the record, she is now fully grown, with a University degree, a full time job and living on her own, so is most certainly a functioning adult! Your ds is only 11; I think parent B needs to cut him some slack.

MeridianB · 30/11/2023 13:14

PippyLongTits · 30/11/2023 10:25

What is the point of child going to B's house if they are being ignored and left alone all morning?

This. DS loves his dad but the time he has with him sound consistently stressful and lonely. No parent should make their child feel that way.

This thread is making me so angry. Your scumbag ex should hang his head in shame.

SiliconHeaven · 30/11/2023 12:58

I hope you don't mind if I add some perspective from my own experience OP.
when I was growing up my mum was a very lazy woman, she never worked (it was the 70s though so not that unusual). My dad left for work very early, before it was time for me to get up for school.
From the age of 5, starting school, I was expected to get myself up and dressed, breakfasted and out to school on my own. It was only a 200 meter walk which is probably why she thought it was acceptable. My mum never got put of bed to send me off to school once I knew what to do.
My children are grown now but I never did that to them, we started the day together, I walked them to the school bus until they were 11 and waved them off at the front door after that.
Your ex is mean, punishing your son for being late, especially as he hadn't been well.

LBFseBrom · 30/11/2023 11:55

Igmum · 29/11/2023 15:08

I'm putting my 10 p on A being mum (you) and B being dad. YANBU. I'd have provided more support and breakfast too.

So would I but I doubt, from what op says, this is a common occurrence and nobody is perfect, including parents. As long as the boy is generally looked after, I'd let this one go; she said he has been making an effort to be more organised and on time. I think the restrictions imposed on him were a bit harsh considering he accidentally turned off his alarm.

LisaD1 · 30/11/2023 11:49

i’ll Never understand B’s perspective on this as it seems so harsh for something that many of us have done.

our DD is 16 and we take it in turns to drive her to the school bus, too far to walk, whoever is taking her also makes sure she’s up as they head downstairs and makes sure she’s got a breakfast. I’m all for independence but also for being kind to the people we are supposed to love the most.

Waspie · 30/11/2023 11:42

...oh, and a supply of cereal bars!

Waspie · 30/11/2023 11:41

I would suggest a bicycle.

My son's school is a 45 min walk away and he cycles - has done since he started in year 7. It takes him about 12 minutes. He has reflective strips for his clothes and helmet and a reflective cover for his backpack. Obviously good lights on his bike too.

Rewis · 30/11/2023 11:18

Not having breakfast is the consequence of oversleeping. No tech for 3 days is over the top. 11yo can take a bus themselves, I wouldn't walk 40min to school. 11yo should be getting up themselves but of course if parent is home they should look after the child. Even adults livign together take responsibility of each other. If you want to drive them then go for it. But there is nothing wrong with bus/cycling.

Igmum · 30/11/2023 10:57

itsallnewnow · 29/11/2023 15:28

This is fine in principal but A is escaping a fair amount of grunt work tbh! Easy for them to say it's no big deal when they're not having to do all the driving and schedule their work round it!! A needs to step up and do school run on their day

Show quote history

@itsallnewnow it's A who is doing all of the grunt work, B doesn't do any drop offs or pick ups. I agree this isn't 50:50 but it is B who is the less active parent

Mumofoneandone · 30/11/2023 10:34

Just feel really sad for your son (&you) about his Dad's poor (polite version of my thoughts) behaviour. Thank goodness you are having that time with him in the mornings, so he has some caring adult input.
His Dad is being lazy and selfish. He is also prioritising/using the baby as an excuse for not having some special time in the morning with his son. Just gob smacked at Dad's expectations.
I'm all for encouraging independence in youngsters but not to cover up neglecting them.
And some children do just need more support for longer.
Personally think you should push for changing the 50/50 (cynically is this connected with maintenance?) Might not be popular but sometimes tough decisions have to be made. Son can easily see Dad in an evening but then come home to you during the week. This will ensure son has clean clothes and breakfast/lunch every day and proper love and care.
Sending huge hugs

Drttc · 30/11/2023 10:34

Gosh everyone accidentally oversleeps at some point in their life! Parent B sounds too harsh - I think prompts are helpful for anyone you have a morning routine with (child or adult). Surely being a family makes this a team effort every morning!

Hecatoncheires · 30/11/2023 10:30

Good lord, your ex sounds like an absolute arse! No, you are not being unreasonable in wanting your 11-year old to have a good start to the day. My mum always got up with us till we were well into secondary school and you could say that she especially babied my (older!) brother - I remember one time him sitting on a blouse of mine that I was planning to wear and when I got annoyed he said "oh, mum will iron it". Twit! But he has grown into a very good man, he's an excellent father, a great husband and is supremely well-respected and liked at his place of work. So you keep doing what you are doing, OP.

Perhaps let your DS walk to your house each morning, as you say. He will gain independence soon enough. And I do believe that our kids' gaining independence gradually gives us a chance to get used to it ourselves. Step by step, and doing it together. Wishing you all the best, OP.

Starryskies1 · 30/11/2023 10:26

If B cannot get child to school. Child should spend more time in the week at A’s. As A is doing school runs etc. B should be supporting child to get up etc. Maybe it’s time to revise the routine and ask the child what they would like to do. B sounds lazy and needs to get out of bed and help child.

PippyLongTits · 30/11/2023 10:25

What is the point of child going to B's house if they are being ignored and left alone all morning?

jessycake · 30/11/2023 10:18

Don't over think it , its working atm , get some breakfast bars to keep in the car for the odd occasion he misses breakfast and just carry on . There are very few adults that can't get on in life because they were driven to school or were cajoled to get up in the morning .

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