Co-parenting disagreement - the role of a parent?

B is giving their child too much responsibility because they are too lazy to be a proper parent. A is doing a good job!

100% with A. Parent B is lazy, what kind of parent and step parent laze in bed while their child gets themselves off to school, bad parenting, bad example setting!

How sad to expect a child to get up and ready without any input / time with B. No chance to talk about the day ahead, get reassurance or support in the event of worries.

B is a d!ck and might do well to ask their mum how much input she gave when they were a similar age.

Whilst A can't dictate how B parents their child, the child deserves better.

A and B are taking out their mutual resentment via the little boy. A probably resents B moving on to go and be a stay at home mum, oops, parent, with a new partner. And B feels pissed off that she oops they get the authoritarian role not the kindly liberal one.
With only one or two years left of co-parenting a child rather than a teen, maybe they should stop bickering and enjoy his remaining time as a kid.

I get up and wake my 13 yo he does his own breakfast my partner feels he should get himself up he 100% wouldn't/didn't when I tried it parent b is a lazy twat tbh

I can't imagine not getting up to at least see my kid out the door. It's one thing for him to get ready and leave alone if parent is already out at work, but I even if I got up for five minutes and went back to bed I'd at least want to say "have you got everything you need, have a great day, I love you"

B is a dickhead. Child doesn’t need punishment of losing his tech for any length of time because there are already natural consequences: late for school and no breakfast. He made a mistake that didn’t hurt anyone but himself. Also, if your kid has to leave the house by 8am and you’ve heard nor seen him by say half 7 if not before, it’s your responsibility as a parent to go check on them. I check my kids are up and about getting ready for school and the oldest is 16. Not terribly taxing for me or them.

OP you sound like a lovely mum. I’m shocked at the people saying an 11 year old should be independent! I have taught grades 5 and 6 for over 20 years. (English year 6 and 7) kids vary so much whilst some are capable many are not yet ready. Also those that do manage often would still love that extra bit of support. Come on who doesn’t appreciate a nice hot drink made for them when they wake up.

B sounds horrible to me and I think your poor son is trying to convince himself and make excuses for his dad because deep down he feels hurt. Please OP keep doing what you are doing. In my experience the kids who have loving support fare much better than those who don’t.

Anybody who co parents has to sort childcare care out and the general duties on their own days. That's the whole point.

Parent A should not be doing all the pickup/drop offs. Because parent B is unable to manage... isnt it just easier to check the child is up by 06.45am instead of rushing?

Yeah a ‘get up’ then a ‘wtf why aren’t you up’ should be an easy thing to do.

but they are also 11, you gotta drop some of the babying.

are they being made breakfast??? Why didn’t an 11yo grab a bag of cereal??? It does sound like kid needs to be growing up more and taking more responsibility. Same with the comment around routine, kid is 11yo not 11 months. They need to be learning to cope!!!

B is neglecting child's needs. Not acceptable to stay in bed asleep whilst an 11yr old gets themselves up and dressed. He could be sick, or he could leave the tea towel over the toaster and burn the house down. 11 is young enough to still require supervision. Also, emotional attachment is lacking. He's not benefitting from the parental bonding, nor being set up well for the day ahead.

If he was 15, different story. But at 11, too emotionally immature to not be damaged by such absent 'parenting'.

Actually, A has a safeguarding position to think about here. Is it safe for child to be there, is he getting appropriate supervision and emotional warmth from B? B would clearly rather be left to their own little family, doing the absolute minimum for their first born.

B is a lazy twat. Why isn't B taking DC to school on their days of it's really 50/50.

You kind of gave away that you were A when you described B as getting angry. No way would you describe yourself that way.

My 11 year old gets herself up, dressed, makes her own breakfast and leaves the house on time. She sets alarms to remind her what time to do things. She walks to the station, gets a train and then walks to school. Her brother (now 14 with diagnosed ADHD) has done the same since he was 11. Kids are more than capable, but will not be if they don’t have to be. Why can’t your child get the bus themselves?? Many others that age do

Whether the baby keeps B up in the night doesn’t matter. B has 2 children! B might be watching the baby in the morning so his partner can rest, but imo A is getting a rough deal! Nothing stops B from wrapping baby up in a pram, as many parents do every single day, and walking child to school or at least to meet friends. It sounds to me like B is picking and choosing what parts of being a parent he fancies and the child is impacted, as well as A, who will, quite understandably out themself out to ensure their child is comfortable .. but it feels like A is kind of being manipulated around what B wants

You're not being unreasonable. Also parent B should grow up and find a way to do school dropoff and pickup instead of using parent A as a driver.

I think it's a worthy goal to train your child to be a responsible adult but....
Which of us hasn't overslept an alarm? Or had a partner/family member wake us up on occasion, especially when we're not feeling great.
And when that happens, do we punish ourselves with no breakfast and no screen time for 3 days? There might be a natural consequence of no breakfast, but if we have a job that allows it we'd be 5 minutes late, or eating at our desk, or taking a mid morning break to eat.
I don't understand people who expect children, who have every excuse to still be learning and messing up sometimes, to live a higher standard than they meet themselves.

The key here is ‘child’. He’s 11 and will benefit from / needs guidance & support to navigate life & the mistakes he makes along the way. Parent B is not teaching him anything positive lying in bed all morning.

he sounds horribly abusive op-theres notng wrong wit taking him part way to school sounds like hes needs extra help

your ex just souunds lie he doesnt want to pay maintenance-his flippant remarks and he doesnt have astma anyway comment is shocking

hes controllng you still by not hving anything in writing so you cant use it n any way

i dont think he gives a shit about his son tbh

I have a y6 & y8. Both are dyslexic and my y8 has further neurodiversity.

Neither responds well to alarms. I give them a first call when I get up. I go down and cook them a breakfast. The word breakfast (or more accurately "food, come, now") is what lures them out of bed. They then get dressed with varying degrees of nudging depending on their mood. They have to be reminded about things like hair, teeth and shoes. Some days they need practical support.

DS1 is driven to school. If DH is in the office at a regular time, he takes him otheewise I drive him. DS2 may walk with friends or have to walk himself the short distance. If I'm free I'll walk with him.

DS1 is collected a 10 min walk from school where I can reliably park sensibly. He can catch the bus and does when required, but he finds it overwhelming. He tends to forget to zap off, and get charged the full potential distance. It's better for his energy levels to have a lift. It's also about a 40min route and not an enjoyable walk for anyone. I trained him to catch the bus by running down to school (along a variation that I would not want a small lone pre-teenager to use) and catching it with him. I then built to meeting him at the bus stop which I'll tend to do when viable on a bus day. He can catch the bus if necessary, but it's better for him to have a bit more support and nuture. A NT peer, I'd be happier to leave them to it.

DS has missed breakfast before, usually grabbing something to eat in the car, but that's never been for a lack of having food prepared and offered. If he is late, that is the natural consequence in itself. Yesterday I noticed his tie was grubby... I grabbed a fresh one to swap with and the first went in the next wash.

Your ex is a lazy, selfish excuse of a parent. Leaving a child to struggle and fail then punish them for it is mean. All his parenting "principles" have the underlying feature of having minimal effort on his part rather than supporting his child's needs. If he was the only parent involved, your DS would have a pretty miserable existance.

This kid isn't you and has some additional needs. Also where he lives might not be suitable to ride to school.

Different kids need different support. Popping to the park (as a previous poster said) independently in one area is fine, in another not so much. (Red light district, grooming gangs, a murder and serious assault and that's the safer park)

Erm and? Nothing wring with getting up and ready and breakfasted and off to school on your own at 11. FGS

My god, he sounds like an utterly dreadful parent.