Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

Absolutely no need for that.

Aside from it being none of our business, OP has already explained that the pregnancy was a surprise, and that she and her DH sat down and had a discussion and came to an agreement when they agreed to proceed.

He is now failing to keep his end of the bargain.

Surely with 50-100 employees he has someone that he can delegate to? I know a lot of men who have checked out of the newborn stage because it's just too much effort and use going to "work" as an excuse to let their wives just do it all. If it's his business he should be able to run it in just a few hours a day for a short while at least.

So what has changed since you had your first child?

If he was that bad why have another?

He is running a business not playing golf

I sympathise with you OP, my DH is self employed and whilst he did take a few days paternity each time it was obvious he was itching to get back. I remember the first day he went back after having my second. She was a high needs baby and didn't eat or sleep much. Just managed to get her to take some milk and she threw it back up all over us both and I burst into tears, I then continued to cry the entire time I bathed her while she also screamed. Its not easy but I'm afraid its how it is with this kind of job. Realistically 2 weeks doesn't make that much difference, you are still thrown in at the deep end when they go back to work.

On the positive side he now has more flexibility to take time off for school events / pick ups / kids appointments etc too. He even helps out with DDs rainbows group regularly which he wouldn't be able to do if he was employed. Although its hard right now you need to try and think of the long term benefits.

It's always self-employed men who 'can't' take time off. I've been self-employed for many years and I've never ever used it as an excuse not to step up at home when I've needed to. You arrange your time accordingly even if that means powering thru some work in the evening to be available for family commitments the next day; you have flexibility it's not as if locked into 9-5 hours, have to ask to take leave etc.

But yeah, of the women and men that I know who are self-employed, women juggle their time accordingly and that's even in difficult times, whilst men just simply make themselves unavailable. I work with/around self-employed men who are always 'On' even when they don't need to be, then theres the addiction of making maximum money via self-employment too, the thrill of it & at times I do wonder, don't you ever want to spend time with your family?

OP Im loathe to ask if you have any friends/relatives who can help as its annoying theres always an expectation that a woman somewhere or other will step up so the precious big man doesn’t have to be there for his children. Anyway I hope you find a way through

Crying isn’t going to resolve anything.

Be that as it may, @Mariposista, I'm getting quite fed up with your woman-hating attitude on this forum this morning. This woman has hormones all over the place, two very small children that she is looking after, and not enough help, and she's proactively talking to other women about what to do. Along with all that, she can cry all she likes.

Of course what you’ve said is true. I’m a business owner and I have 5 holidays a year but never more than a week at a time, also we do t know the details of op. He could have taken on a massive client, lost a key employee or it’s just a time of the year when business is booming.

And the idea that you have to work 365 days a year if you have your own business and that the OP should just suck it up is nonsense. Both me and my DH are self employed, my DH runs his own business. We take breaks like anyone else.

YANBU. He sounds selfish. I agree that you should explain how close to the edge you are.

I really sympathize with you as I was in your exact position 24 years ago, but paternity leave wasn't really a thing, especially for the self-employed! We were running a small business and hubby had to work whilst trying to support me with a hyperactive toddler and a newborn that was finding it very difficult to latch on. It really was awful 🙁 My husband tried his best, working and helping with the little ones but he ended up falling asleep at the wheel of his car on his way to see a client one day and nearly killing himself! Luckily, he was OK and our families rallied around and we ended up getting the support we needed although it took one of us to literally nearly die for that to happen! We then hired a nanny, who was a godsend and upped the clear's hours too! My kids are now 24 and 26, both doing well and we're still married 🙂
I don't think men realise what a physically traumatic event having a baby can be without factoring in the post-natal exhaustion and how your emotions are all over the place too. Sadly, your husband needs to go to work and run his business, as this is how you put food on the table and a roof over your heads, especially if there's been trouble. That still leaves the issue that you can't shoulder the huge task of looking after two little ones under two all on your own, after just giving birth. If your families are unable or unwilling to support you, then I encourage you to consider getting some extra support externally. Whether that be a mother's help, a nanny or even just someone to give extra help the the cleaning and washing.
I wish you all the very best and I want to reassure you that you will get through this!

@powershowerforanhour Your mum was lucky.

I know several people who run companies with 20+ employees.

The ones who have managed to establish their companies and get good people in who they have been able to safely delegate to before they had children or in a few cases more children, have been lucky and they have admitted it.

I was invited to a friends house to stay over for the weekend with one guy. He spent his Saturday morning on the phone because one of his managers had screwed up.

Most people who run their own business have to prioritise that, at least in the first few years.
Can he organise a home-help?

He said he'd take two weeks of only working an hour a day. He's gone back on this.

With 50-100 employees, I would worry about the resilience of the company if he can't take two weeks off. Don't you ever have holidays? He needs to bring in people who he can delegate to if necessary. What if he was incapacitated with COVID etc for two weeks? A company that can't manage without you for two weeks is a company at risk. Or it might be that he just doesn't want to step back, which is something else.

OP I'd ask him to imagine he had a horrible accident that damaged his undercarriage and left open wounds, or needed abdominal surgery in case of c-section - then immediately had to look after your two children 24/7. I really do think the impact of childbirth is kind of invisible for lots of people, they don't register that a baby emerging from your body is something you need time to recover from.

If your DH is self-employed, there is no 'two weeks'. There's no paternity pay for self-employed dads. It's really shit but if he takes two weeks off, he won't get paid. I don't know what his business is but presumably he'll also lose momentum in terms of getting future clients and customers. I sympathise with you because my husband is self-employed too and we had the same situation twice. It sucks but is it really his fault? That said, expecting you to be making him lunch is a right cheek and you have every right to tell him to piss off.

Sending hugs this sounds horrendous 💐

I think you need to remind him of this! You definitely need some support especially in the early days. I know some people are saying pay someone but surely if you can afford to do this then he can afford to take 2 weeks off? 2 small children are gonna be hard, you need to nip this in the bud now or he is basically gonna be a useless father. I have no idea how men think this is acceptable or how women let them get away with it.

I agree.
Lots of posters have complained about him not taking 2 weeks off of work but I thought this was one of the downsizes of running your own business, that you can’t always have time off.

It also sounds like their have been issues that couldn’t be foreseen, which need his input.

If the business crumbles then that’s also going to affect OP.

I’d like to know how many hours he’s working and how involved he is when he’s not working before judging.

I have a 12mth age gap between my two children, so I can completely sympathise with you. It is hard at the beginning but it will get easier. I did have my husbands help for the first two weeks, but that two weeks goes so quickly that you are left to it on your own pretty quickly. My advice would to be, sync your babies naps, so that you can sleep at the same time & get out most days for fresh air. Even if it’s just a little walk to the shop. You’ll be surprised at how much better you’ll feel.

Lastly, you definitely need to have a sit down talk with your husband & tell him everything that you have posted on here, otherwise you’ll end up resenting him.

It sounds really tough on you.

I don't have enough info to say if your DH is being unfair as that is entirely dependent on the state of his business and whether he has competent staff to man the fort whilst he's away.

I have a feeling that would be the outcome.

I think you need to be clear about what you need from him because expecting him to just be around isn't entirely reasonable when there are issues in his business.

So sorry you are having such a tough time. Been there and it is super hard.... My husband to be fair was willing just that work pressures were enormous. What we did was pay for childcare and a cleaner. I guess that isn't an option for everyone but if it is even for just a few hours may be helpful.
Also just to say it got better once I was stronger and we all settled into our new circumstances. Stay strong, hope this is temporary for you.

My partner was the same. Worked constantly after the birth of our baby. I have no advice other than I know how lonely and hard that can be. For our next child I am moving in with my mother or vice versa for the newborn period if he doesn't change his working hours.

It's rubbish but if this is what happened before, why would you expect any different? Running a business can be tough, as is being the sole breadwinner. How will leaving him make it any easier. he needs to pay for some help for you.

Can you imagine the OP's post in 6 months time if he had just neglected his business. 'We have no money, DH's business collapsed, 2 children under 2, he is expecting me to work FT to bring money in'.
Sometimes needs must! It's hard but children cost money.