Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

Most of my friends are 'grannies'. Their ages are between 45 and 59. I am 58. I certainly didn't have ages in hospital. I had one overnight with each child and 18 weeks off work in total ( including the time before the birth) I am glad things are easier for new mums today. However to say that 'grannies' had a nice stay in hospital with their feet up is not necessary true.

I think you need to get help from a Nanny or a Mother's help. Hopefully, your business is profitable enough to pay for that kind of support.

Running a small business is all-consuming - I know there have been times when I have really needed dh and he could not be there and he felt completely torn, on reflection we should have got some paid help and there have been times when if I had been an employee I'd have been signed off sick or had compassionate leave but the wheels needed to keep turning so the day my dad died I worked through my tears - I had things that needed to be done before I could grieve, other people rely on us - it's not just about us taking a break.

Go and visit mum for a couple of years.

Whatever you decide I think DH has made it plain that he's married to his business and you and the kids are background. I would also suspect thst he does sweet FA around the house.

Let your mum make a fuss over you and decide how you want to move forward without him in the background. You may even prefer it.

And to the people saying it's a shit business if he can't take time off - well yes, but most small/med businesses are constantly on the brink! It's not news that these businesses are not resilient. That's the point, you work really hard to try to build them to a point of resilience. It's a tough job. And doesn't work if you take two whole weeks off during a critical period

A lot of people here assuming that a business with 50 employees is making good money.

I run a business with 50 employees and cash is a constant concern. There are things only I can do, such as deal with our banks and investors. At critical times and in emergencies I cannot take time off, and cannot delegate as these things are relationship based.

Clearly a lot of posters haven't had people rely on them for their livelihoods. He is not being selfish, he is doing his very difficult job. The mum will get the rewards of being married to a business owner and part of the deal is that she will have to get through this bit. It's not easy but it's doable.

Ah @NoCloudsAllowed that will teach me to read the full thread won't it!

I think we are going off topic but just to add my mum had me in a "maternity home" where she stayed a week and had a lovely time by all accounts. So yes things were different back then in terms of recovery and support etc

@notahappybunny7 how unpleasant of you.

Tell him he needs to either help or arrange help for you ASAP as you are going to leave him. Then deal with all of this when you are in a better place. If he listened to you and respected you he would arrange help or take time off, not just assume you’ll shut up and put up. It’s not really about the time off, it’s about a total lack of respect for your wishes at your most vulnerable time.

@notahappybunny7 Depends what generation your granny is I suppose. But even previously to hospital births becoming normal most women did not work so could support relatives at this time. In many cultures granny/auntie moves in for at least 2 weeks to support. The idea that it is somehow ‘normal’ for a woman to care for a newborn baby and an infant 8 days after giving birth entirely alone is a complete fallacy. It certainly isn’t ideal.

@notahappybunny7 I'm not so sure about that. My 87 year old mother was in hospital for 10 days when I was born 63 years ago! As were most of her friends. Her mother for even longer after a difficult birth that resulted in a caesarean in 1936!

What age is granny?

Because my mum would be 78 if she had lived and she definitely had me in hospital, as did almost everyone she knew.

Most grannies actually gave birth at home.

If he was like that with the 1st why did you have another so soon? Has his workload been like this for the past year, is he making enough so you can buy in some help?

have you explained that you are really struggling, what has he said.

Some really spiteful bitchy responses here.

Says a lot about people that they get a rise out of sticking the boot in with a woman 8 days after birth.

Longer stays in hospital, a different style of parenting, they were on average younger and they may have also had more family support. I read somewhere that on average today’s mothers who work full time do more hands on parenting than stay at home mothers did in the 1970s!!

People cope, of course they do. Coping and thriving are different though.

It sounds awful, disappointing and it will be impossible to think clearly in that situation. Leaving him will only make things worse though! Then there would be zero help(I assume).
Do you rely on DH’s income or can the business afford to take a hit? Can some-one else come and help either you or your DH(with business)?

Let's not all forget that fathers taking 2 weeks off is a very new thing! How did our grannies cope? It's worth considering.
never mind grannies.
paternity leave didn’t start until 2003. Plenty of mums on here with young families didn’t have the paternity leave option.

Our grannies coped by staying in the hospital for 2 weeks being properly cared for. OP sending huge huge hugs I know how tough the postpartum period can be. You are physically & psychologically recovering from a major medical event. I’m sorry you don’t have enough support right now. Agree you need to get help one way or another so if it needs to be a nanny and you can afford it then do that. Also, your wider family are working but could they help by dropping off some freezer lasagnes, or a bit of help with laundry/washing up etc??

Let's not all forget that fathers taking 2 weeks off is a very new thing! How did our grannies cope? It's worth considering.

When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

a bit unhelpful to say this but WHY did you discuss and agree to have another so quickly?! but whats done is done....what did you agree to before the 2nd baby was born? if he is going back on whats been agreed then thats different, but its no surprise if he was like this last time

If it's his own business, he effectively has no "leave", and days not working means days with no financial income for your family. I can image it's hard, but he's also keeping a roof over your head.

I am sure you are disappointed, I would be also. However whilst my now ex husband didn't run a company, he did work very long hours. He did take off the 2 weeks paternity, whcih goes very quickly (though I was in hospital recovering from C section for 2-3 of those days). I also had a 15 month old. He went back to full time long hours (out at 6:30 am back at 7:30 pm) after those 2 weeks. We also had a builder start renovating out house when baby was 4 weeks old. My 15 month old didn't go to nursery (we couldnt afford it) until funding at age 2 (or 2.5 I cant quite recall) came in. It was really tough. I think in those early days knowing the builder was turning up every day made me get up and dressed and not spend the day in tears! I also had no support as mum dead, no siblings etc. I'd highly recommend as soon as you can, getting your baby in a routine in sync with your 1 year old so you can get some peace to yourself in the daytime (1.5 - 2.0 hours nap time after lunch was my saviour). try and negotiate with your husband to get some time to yourself at weekends for your sanity.

Agree with many others, throw money at support/nanny. It's very possible he can't take the time off at the moment but some of the cost may even be decuctible as a business expense (I'm no expert). Wages are by far the biggest expense for a business, if he can pay 50-100 staff he can add one more for a nanny.