Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

But then the baby came a bit early and a potentially big issue cropped up at work.

If he stayed with her for two weeks and let something catastrophic happen to the business he'd also be criticised.

I read the OP saying that they both couldnt tolerate a termination.

You wouldnt continue with a pregnancy just on the discussion about how 'paternity leave' is configured, thats a fairly short window.

Part of their joint decision to continue with the pregnancy was built on him saying he would do more. saying he would do max 1 hour a day.

Presumably if he had said "I can't help" the discusion/decision process may well have bene different.

Some of the ignorance on this thread is pretty astounding

Firstly 'grannies' didnt spend 2 weeks in hospital, as recently as the 70s they were out after a couple of days and most working class women were at work also

Secondly OP has made it clear that the baby was not planned (as such) and as a couple they decided to continue the pregnancy. He had planned to work short days but a number of unexpected issues have come up which he now needs to sort out. The baby came early so its not like planning for a holiday on a set date, particularly if the business has not run as he expected at this time, these things happen and he needs to respond

Thirdly, why do people assume that he is making a lot of money? He might be, he might not be, just because he has a number of employees it doesnt mean he's a millionaire, the business might be on the brink for all anyone knows

There is such a clamour to call him a twat and other names, saying he has let OP down, or that he's a bad parent and partner - when no one is being unreasonable, this is life, its what happens when someone has a business to run. Its normal for OP to feel overwhelmed but there may be other ways of seeking support which she needs to hear about. Name calling and slagging off the couple's decision to have another child is not helpful

I think you need to be very blunt and tell him that you're struggling. And not just 'oh yikes this is tough' struggling, but really bloody verge of divorce and/or potential for serious mental breakdown struggling. You also mention that you'll only have his help for 2 weeks - does he do anything for you/DC normally? Honestly struggling to see what you get out of this relationship

It sounds like you are just in one of those chapters of life where it is really hard for you both.
My DH runs a small business too. His mum died recently and he had maybe 2 days off - one to arrange the funeral and one to go to it. He has some difficult projects on the go, in real time, that could not be left. Whereas another family member just took several weeks unpaid leave from their job. It wasn't a sign of how much he cared, just a reflection of what choices were available.

It is really tough with a newborn but you need to let your DH know but how he can effectively help - in the mornings or evenings, a half day off or long weekend, that makes good use of everybody's time and is realistic. If you are not the main carer, it's not obvious how draining it is with little ones all day, both physically and emotionally, I'm sure as adults you can have a sensible discussion about this.

I was 21 when I had my son. I’d have been delighted to have been a granny in my 40s.

Why did you decide not to read the thread? Or at least all OP’s posts?

Well, yes you would if you had your first in your 30s.

Less so if you were in your teens or 20s as some of us did.

He’s not an employee so not entitled to paternity leave I don’t think… my DH just moved jobs when DC3 was born so he didn’t
get time off… better to pay for help… we agreed together that our cleaner would come every day for a month for a few hours each day. Equip to 2 weeks time off work and more useful.

Why @crumblingschools? I am and so are many of my friends.

I think there are some pretty callous people here.

Man works hard to build up his own business for the benefit of his partner and children (and himself). As a result, he can't take that nice "paid leave" that so many people on here get. And people on here are seriously suggesting that the OP leave him for the fact that he's trying to provide for them all. As if that would make her or her children's lives easier or better.

It's not as if he's lying around playing computer games or going cycling.

What should he actually do, given that he can't be in two places at once?

He expects you to makes him lunch?what the actual? Is he incapable of throwing together a sandwich? What hours is he working that he can’t put a tin of soup in a pan, for example? Is he generally this useless?

lol..we had to. Men, at most, could take a week's annual leave, and that was it.

Having a baby is not an amputation or a death sentence.🙄

Why did you decide to have another baby so soon? And did you not talk about how it would work?

I don't suppose the DH's anxiety levels are that great either. The new baby wasn't planned, he's facing problems with his business and there is a cost of living crisis. He also has around 100 employees depending on him and Christmas is coming. Running your own business is a whole different ball game to being employed. You can't just switch off and get paid. It often is a 24/7 commitment and it isn't for the faint hearted. I know through bitter experience.

If he didn’t help first time round what made you think this time would be different

I can empathise OP, this was my experience too, not that DH didnt want to be at home, he was self employed and we could not afford to lose the income with a mortgage to pay etc. My late MIL was wonderful and helped us. I will admit I did feel envious of my friends with employed DH’s that could take two weeks paternity and add annual leave etc. Good luck going forward OP.

@notacooldad I would be disappointed to be a granny in my 40s

I'm oldest in my office and have grandkids
Meant to say, have no grandkids!
I am definitely an oddity and people ask if I'm disappointed! (I'm not, I dont care)

@notacooldadmy MIL, who is a granny, had a week in hospital after having DC, but she is in her 70s. 45 is quite young to be a granny now, many women in their early 40s are just becoming mums
It depends on your demographic.
In my team my manager is 56 with 7 grand children, my deputy is 55 with two. Our service lead is 51 with two grandchildren. The list goes on. I'm oldest in my office and have grandkids.
I'm the only one without in my friendship group and I'm the eldest there as well!!

If he's got 50- 100 people working for him it's a well established business, and if he can't work out how to at least reduce his work time to mornings only fit two weeks, he's not doing it right. He's got into the habit, as owner/managers do, of having to stick his finger in every part of the business because he feels he can't let go.

He can. He just doesn't want to.

I sometimes forget how truly cold some people on MN can be.
She’s 8 days PP. Hormones all over the place and she’s having a difficult time. How is berating her helpful in any way?

Don't underestimate how emotionally draining it is to be this exhausted knowing that there is a capable human being upstairs, snoring away, not giving a fuck.

@notacooldad my MIL, who is a granny, had a week in hospital after having DC, but she is in her 70s. 45 is quite young to be a granny now, many women in their early 40s are just becoming mums.