Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

I would see if I could stay with family

The first weeks are the hardest, it will get easier. It will seem a lot better once you heal more. I'm sure you are doing an amazing job.

Hopefully your husband will manage to make a little more time to help. Does he work from home? Would the baby settle in a sling on him while he worked?

I’ve got 3 lo’s 4 and under it’s hard work. Smallest nearly 11 months. No help and partner works a lot so at home on my own a lot. I really do feel for you, it’s bloody hard work. It’s been a tough year.

what I’ll say though is none of us know your financial situation and maybe he needs to do it, as it is his own business. If you left him what would you gain? You’d still be alone. It sounds more like a cry for help. In the early days our hormones are all over the place, maybe things will not feel so bad when you are in a routine? Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Just get done what you need to. I already feel like I stressed too much and the time spent with my smallest has gone in a flash.

He seems like he can afford some paid help.

I wholeheartedly agree with your first paragraph, joao. I am an elderly person but never hark back to bygone years or see them through rose tinted spectacles. Yes there were some good times but there was a heck of a lot of bad ones, struggles, poverty and cold houses, never mind societal values! Even with the current cost of living crisis, we are far better off now than back then and society is fairer.

You do need some help, you have two babies, one a newborn, and are recovering from a Caesarian. Back in the 'old days', new mothers often had family around to help, you do not. If you can afford to hire someone to come in for a few hours here and there, do some housework, maybe prepare food, do so. It will ease your burden, you can relax a bit and heal.

I am very sorry your husband is not stepping up. I would have thought two weeks off work was not too much to ask but I suppose he has his reasons; whether they are justifiable or not is debatable. You need support right now.

I do wish you well. If I knew you and lived near I'd give you a hand, I'm not much good at housework but I'd do a bit and cook something nice. Just knowing somebody is there if you need anything is reassuring.

Keep warm and try to eat some nourishing food; it doesn't have to be fancy, tasty soup is good, egg on toast, porridge, milky drinks and cups of tea are comforting. Put telly on and watch something interesting but not too demanding. There are some very relaxing youtube videos as well.

Good luck, this phase will not last forever and if you take care of yourself you will emerge stronger.

Ignore the back in my day bullshit. My grandma one side had no family support but was upper class so had a nanny, cleaner and at one point cook. On the other side my nana was born into a working class family where she went to work but her mother kept the house and looked after the kids. Kids on both sides were neglected as parenting had different expectations in those days, my gran used to tell us that if a babies crying bothered us to push their prams so far down the garden we wouldn’t hear them!
You needs hired help, asap. Ring an agency and get someone next week.

Seems he will be better off alone.

The man needs to work.

I wonder if he’s hiding behind work to duck out of looking after a new born due to fear of not knowing what to do with one so small & vulnerable? Or simply doesn’t understand how gruelling it is for you? I say this since you mentioned he acted this way when your first child was born.
Other Dads (not all) are capable of organising 2 weeks paternity leave no matter what their jobs entail, is just a matter of prioritising. You and your children should be his top priority right now, especially as it’s affecting your mental wellbeing. I hope you get through to him for all your sakes. Enjoy your new baby as much as you can meanwhile.

My son's dad took the two weeks paternity and went on holiday after I had a c-section. So could be worse OP

If he’s truly able to take 2 weeks off then he should do so.

Having said that, my #2 was born on Tuesday, home on Thursday and DH at work Friday. Neither of us had any paid time off and he worked in a job where he made money in summer, off a lot in winter, so financially we didn’t have a choice.

Agree with PP pay for help/ more nursery etc.

All this.

Some people, men and women, really do have important occupations, where they simply must work. Not being available is not an option. These people are usually very well paid. Only you OP know if your DH falls in this category. If he doesn’t and he is not fulfilling some contract, etc etc, then he is being unreasonable not to help you. He seems to have form for not helping so you have to find ways to cope with this. Leaving him, for this reason alone, is only going to make your situation worse. Can you speak to a health care professional, GP etc as you may need extra meds? You sound (understandably) a bit low. Apart from that I can only suggest what everybody else has said, get help from any relative, friend or home help, but try not to focus your resentment on your DH especially if he had no option but to work. Paternity leave does not exist for the self employed.

I really do feel for you. But 'taking maternity leave' is an employee's right. The boss doesn't have rights. No chance of family support? Even paid support? Sounds like the size of business that should make the owner rather more than 'employee' money when it's going well.

Literally fuck everyone with these replies.
Bunch of arseholes.

Bringing a child into the world took the two of you and even if you knew it would be hard work, you can still ask for help.

I hope you can hire additional help & I hope your husband is on board with it.

I’m sure you’re doing a great job. Be kind to yourself 🤍
Also (as hard as it is) try and be understanding & kind to your husband, too. Work & financial stress is a lot to deal with too, he probably is being narrow minded not considering how hard postpartum and motherhood is. Be there for each other & listen to how you’re both feeling.

Glad you’ve had some positive advice on here and not just a load of tits asking why you’ve had the baby.
Omg it makes me angry 😂😂😂

take care OP

Xxxxxx

If he’s not willing or is unable to
take time off to support you in looking after the children and healing after birth could you afford to hire some help such as a nanny for a short while?

So sorry you are going through this and not able to enjoy this wonderful time of getting to know your baby. Trouble is a lot of men do not realise how exhausting, both mentally and physicall, giving birth is. Do you have a close friend who might be able to stay over for a few nights or perhaps you could ask you mum to take some A/L from her job. MIL might love to have the older DC stay over to help out but be frightened of interfering. Don't be afraid to ask. Good luck.

Are you married to a farmer? Sounds very typical of farming families xx

When we had our children we were both self employed/running companies and there was no such thing as paternity leave.
I had no family to fall back on either but I got through and you will too . Yes its hard but we are made of 'strong stuff' .
Trust me, going it alone is much harder ! I did in the end and keeping all the balls in the air was horrendous.

You’re not being unreasonable to be upset, but unfortunately this is something you need to get used to.
Youre lucky that your husband (from what I can gather..) is only working 1-2 hours a day?
So, in reality, he has cut his hours to support you and isn’t working full time and leaving you alone all the time.

I also have a 1 year old and 10 week old so I know how hard it is, but it is ultimately the decision you made.

My husband was due to start a new job the day after I gave birth (extremely unlucky circumstances that couldn’t be helped) and therefore only had 1 week off. He works 9 hours a day, 5 days a week and I am alone at home with the children apart from 4 hours one day, when the oldest goes to nursery. We cannot afford help or extra nursery hours.

so, from my opinion you’re lucky that your husband is home almost most of the day and you can afford to work like this - it’s unusual for most.

Unfortunately it is something you are just going to have to get used to and get on with - the more stressed you get about it the harder it will be.

take one day at a time. As long as the kids are fed and watered and still alive at the end of the day, everything else can (and will) wait.

Parental leave isn’t available in lots of jobs, so it’s not uncommon for mums to just have to cope in the first weeks with a new baby. After two weeks, things aren’t going to miraculously change. You might feel rested in those two weeks, but that restfulness is going to quickly disappear anyway once he’s back at work after two weeks.

If you can afford a nanny or mother's help then absolutely do this.
I'm struggling to understand how he can employ around 100 people but not one of them is competent to take over for 2 weeks. That's his fault, he had 9 months to train someone. I do kind of understand that it's his business and if something goes wrong you are all going to be in trouble but as long as his employees can contact him easily it should be okay for 2 weeks (my dad had his own business and didn't take a holiday for 5 years because he didn't trust anyone else to look after the business but that's not a good role model).
I'd be really annoyed about him letting the one year old cry until you woke up. If he can wake up for work he can wake up for his child.
Is it worth taking to him? Will he understand that you are really suffering? If not then you need to think about what you want long term but please wait until you feel stronger.
I hope you get some support.

you are not being unreasonable - but if he feels unable to take time off, it will be very hard to convince him otherwise. My husband also works pretty much 24/7, and at times seems to believe that means he has no parental responsibility. It’s a tough position to be in.
You need to ensure that YOU are OK and have support so that you can be a good mummy. That support may have to come from elsewhere - your mum, mil or if you are able to, hired help. offload what you can eg. cleaning and food prep, nursery pick up. if you can just have someone for two hours a day after nursery, you can spend time with toddler while they care for baby etc.
If your husband is unable to do his bit, he needs to ensure you are still supported - just give it a go and see if it gives you breathing space. best of luck.

I had a husband with a similar sized business. When I was in labour with our 2nd he brought some paperwork in with him for the ‘quiet parts’ and yes he did look at it! When I came home I employed a mother’s help’ for 2 weeks initially. We got on so well and she was so great I employed her until the children went to school. She did 3 mornings a week so I could lock myself away in my office and work from home (with my workaholic husband).