Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

Congratulations @VeterinaryCareAssistant and @Robbee for being superhuman and showing us all the error of our ways for not being as bloody amazing as you two. Good job you're here to tell us all to buck up, pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and stop whining eh?

Your halo polish is in the post.

Meanwhile, the rest of us will consider ourselves suitably chastised for not newborning right!

Exactly Robbee.

I remember popping into ASDA on the way home from the hospital because we needed some shopping and I needed birthday bits for one of my other children.

I also remember there was a school event I needed to go to with a week-old baby.

The dogs still needed walking etc.

My daughter and her partner were in temporary accommodation and had to move house the day after my grandson was born, which, although not ideal, they just got on with.

Life just carries on.

I'm late to this thread but OP if you're still reading I am so so sorry you're going through this. I am 2 weeks post partum with our second DC (DC1 is 2.5) and as much as you love them both the transition to 2 is brutal! The guilt you feel for not being able to be as 'present' with the older DC is hard, and coupled with the postnatal hormones and the sleepless nights it feels utterly overwhelming! Plus your physical recovery is no joke and can't be ignored either. More than once I've accidentally pushed it too hard, resulting in passing clots or actually throwing up. And this is with a supportive husband who is doing his absolute best! My guess is that your DH doesn't/didn't understand how much of an adjustment this would be. It's not my place to comment on your marriage, but I would say don't make any hasty decisions while your hormones are making everything worse. Remember this too shall pass, and things will get easier as your baby grows and develops. If you can get support from elsewhere (friends/family/temporary nanny) then now's the time. Wishing you all the best and reminding you that things will get better. X

If one was to paraphrase for quite a few post on this thread, they might read something like "society was completely different in my day but I can't understand how mother's aren't coping the same way they used to!" or "I can't understand why everyone can't have exactly the same personality and same life experiences!".

The reality is that most people these days expect better than what people "back in my day" used to have to tolerate. Paternity leave is a thing so that women who have just given birth have a chance to physically recover instead of being chucked back into wrestling with toddlers and school runs as if nothing happened.
If a father can't even give his baby's mother two weeks grace after she's spent the last 9 months growing his child, there has been a failure somewhere along the line.

Veterinary CareAssistant - you are so right. Certainly in my day we did - having a baby is not an illness, so unless the baby has a health problem or after a cesarean etc, it's back to normal as far as what you are fit to do. It certainly happens today too - a fellow flyballer turned up to flyball practice with 2 year old and 1 day old baby. Quick breast feed between runs and the 2 year old "helped" with changing jump heights.
It was mid winter in an indoor riding school arena - baby and toddler wore ear defenders, a must for anyone who knows what it's like at flyball.
Think what Jane Tomlinson did to raise money while dying from breastcancer - it puts a normal childbirth and normal newborn into perspective
Each person has to decide for themselves what they want to do, how they want to tackle things, what to leave aside so as to fit in the things important to you.
As to paid help etc - most can't afford it, though I must admit I don't see many posts on here from families where both parents work full time and they are still having to rely on food and clothing banks just to survive or even those who can just about scrape by on their own but who still don't have anything spare from one week to the next.
I suspect the majority on here are out of touch with the reality of ordinary people's lives

This is the most testing time for you, sleep deprivation, exhaustion, healing etc...mainly your hormones will make you feel shit too with emotions...
You need to seriously have a chat with him to ask for more support...if he can't then ask a family member or a friend to see you through these early days.
Only do the minimum don't go doing chores and making yourself tired...rest as much as possible... housework can wait.
Eat/drink properly to gain strength.
Make sure you got some moral support even if it's on the phone.

If you have older children it's pretty common to be up and out and about with a very young baby. School runs, day to day things like shopping and after school activities don't stop because a new baby is born.

Oh sweetheart, it's really rough. Little one, new born, C Section and no sleep. Anyone would be on their knees. You need some help. If it's not DH then paid help it is. It won't last forever and if 6-12 weeks help gets you out the trenches then it will be worth every penny. Be gentle with yourself you are doing amazingly.
Yes your DH should be stepping up but I doubt you have the energy to fight him right now. But I if he resists the nanny idea then have a full on meltdown. I'm married to a workaholic too and I'm generally tough and capable but my DC nearly broke me, they just expect you to carry on and on and on and it's only when you completely lose the plot at them, they start listening......

If you can afford it, get a mothers help. Or a night nanny so at least you get some sleep.

Outsource- get a housekeeper who can help you out a couple hours every few days with cleaning washing organising.

Firstly whos idea was it to have another baby when you child is only 1? especially with the fact you struggled with paternity with the first child?

Secondly, it's his own business- he can't take paternity this is very normal. This all should be factored in deciding when to have children.

I 100% get this. I had my daughter 4 years ago. I slept with her every night whilst he slept in the spare room peacefully all night whilst I was up all night. He should be spending the two weeks bonding with your baby. That's what paternity leave is for.
It seems to be so common that men do this but it's not ok. You must be absolutely exhausted with a 1 year old as well. I don't really have any advice, i just want to say that i went through the same thing and i think that men are sometimes really just unthinking, selfish and they have no idea what it's like to parent 24 hours a day.
I hope you are OK.

@Robbee I think the point your missing is ante-natal classes are generally only offered for the first baby.
Any mum friends the Op made with her first baby are likely to be back at work, struggling trying to keep their own house in order never mind help with someone else's.

For most new mums those first weeks it's DH and their own mum or Mil who's giving practical support not friends from baby groups..

I think you've missed the fact that the OP's baby is less than 2 weeks old. Yes it's great to have a load of mum friends etc, but generally people are at home for the first 2 weeks. New mums are not generally going for walks and out for coffee with 3 days old babies.
Anyway it has always been really hard to have 2 children under 2 with no support. Having some mum friends doesn't help you to give attention to your toddler when your baby is breastfeeding for hours each day. The only thing that really helps there is close family or paid help in the home.

My exh did this. It neatly killed me. I left him when they were 8 and 10.. so therefore preventing him ruining all of our lives.

Hello love. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. My baby is now 10 weeks old but 8 weeks ago I was in a very similar boat to you - tearful non stop, finding everything overwhelming, feeling like a complete failure to my older child. My midwife referred me to my perinatal mental health team and they have been AMAZING. Nothing has ever been too much trouble for them and their support has just felt like a total weight off. They are so understanding and caring even if I just want to ring them and vent. Please don't be scared to reach out for help. They can talk to your husband too and create a support plan that works for the both of you. It will get better please hang in there. Sending you a MASSIVE hug xxx

Cardboardbox24 - that's true, but we created that network by getting to know other expectant mums and being friendly and helpful towards them during our antenatal classes. We didn't in most cases know them beforehand when we were out at work all day - we didn't see many people by the time we got home from work. We created the friendship groups because we were expecting around the same time - probably the only thing we had in common. The group was broad, from girls who worked on the looms in the nearby Mill to a professors wife, who came from a very rich family herself - no room for snobbishness, not quite our sort of people etc, had to mix with everyone, whatever their status and affluence if its going to work.
Having the babies was the thing that linked us - we then had to put ourselves out to make friends within that cohort - and yes, it certainly made life easier and happier. I really don't know why all young mums wouldn't do this today. Certainly some do.

Really not @Meowandthen but you have a great day hun 😂

I think the content of Robbee's "we had it harder" post really exemplifies the difference in community support between then and now. I'm sure if the OP had a local network of other mums popping over, and supportive neighbours she could visit every day for a coffee, she wouldn't be feeling quite like this! But things are very different these days, the OP doesn't have this, so these comparisons are really unhelpful.

Can you get a
Maternity nurse in to help?

Please ignore the we had it harder in my day types. Get some paid help and yourself to the GP’s. I once wheeled my baby into the waiting room and told a GP receptionist that I felt really depressed. I was seen straight away.

This, 10000 times. What's the point of earning money if you don't use it to save yourself from a very distressing situation? Your husband owns a company with 50-100 employees? Surely he can afford to hire a nanny or even a temporary au pair kind of helper for the initial days, especially as he is refusing to help you? Why are you not insisting on it? I don't get this fear of new face, we are all new faces for that young a child - and it's the least point to worry about compared to a possible breakdown from the mother?

OP, your posts have made me almost cry. I am from a culture where every new mom has a support system for at least a couple of months so this whole situation in uk where new moms are left alone is horrifying to me. I don't know how you all do it!

Contact your midwife or health visitor now!