Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

@joao2570 nobody is saying that but you have so much on your plate, your husband is not going to change, so unless you want to be posting this again in a year I would seriously be prioritising contraception.

Glad you hve sorted some support but for the love of God sort your contraception out so you aren’t in this position again.

@Robbee

How many major surgeries have you had?
How many major surgeries have you had where you’ve had to look after a newborn and another young child in recovery, with no support network??
Have you breast fed?

I know that some women work very long hours and just “get on with it” as you put it, but guess what, most of the women in this position have a lot of familial and friend support, and most of them don’t breastfeed either.

Major surgery such as caesarean in the textbook is a 6 week recovery. However, it can take 3 - 6 months for a woman to totally recover.

Breastfeeding is hugely labour intensive and exhausting, there is no opportunity to hand baby over to Auntie Joan for a feed so you can get some sleep. It is all on the Mum. And the support for breastfeeding Mums is so poor that often problems with latch and so forth that make it more difficult are missed and so Mum and baby struggle on thinking this is normal!!

Yes some women of working class backgrounds may muscle on, or they may end up with social services involvement if they’re in the state that OP is.

OP has money. And she shouldn’t be ashamed of that. She can access a cleaner and child care support easily to improve her situation and to ensure she is able to recover well - which will benefit her and the children in the long run (avoiding infections and complications, as well as a shorter recovery time).

What is the point of people working if they can’t access a better lifestyle for them and their families?!

OP you can afford to do better. So do better!!! And be better.

Do not listen to claptrap on the internet.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to access help right now and I am so glad you’ve gone ahead and improved the situation for yourself taking positive action.

Well done you, all the best 💐

You can read the full report here;

<a class="break-all" href="https://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/ukgwa/20130107105354/www.dh.gov.uk/prod_consum_dh/groups/dh_digitalassets/@dh/@en/documents/digitalasset/dh_4082166.pdf" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/ukgwa/20130107105354/www.dh.gov.uk/prod_consum_dh/groups/dh_digitalassets/@dh/@en/documents/digitalasset/dh_4082166.pdf

Up until 1989 the majority of hospital stays in the UK after birth is 4 days or higher, that's just a fact.

As the chart is incomplete it's impossible to read. As posted here it does not give the result quoted by the poster

Women staying in hospital for 10 days was commonplace when I was born according to my mum and I'm in my 50s @Robbee

Around the world, even in less affluent cultures, it's widely known that women need and deserve support post partum and cultures that would, by western standards, be considered parochial at best, understand that the new mother and baby need time to recover and heal.

That your stance, as (presumably) an ex child development 'professional' is one of "fgs stop being so selfish, stop making such a fuss, and buck up your ideas" makes me glad that you appear to be retired now.

Women who have given birth need time to recover and heal. Yes female bodies are designed to gestate and birth, but that doesn't mean it's easy to just bounce back as if nothing happened. If that was your experience, great, but it's not universal and it horrifies me that this misogynistic attitude still prevails.

@Robbee you seriously lack compassion and empathy.

You're not being of any help or support to @joao2570 on her thread.

Take the hint...

Jesus there are some mean comments on here. I don't have anything useful to add that hasn't already been said, but just wanted to offer you a virtual hug. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to want a bit of support from your husband days after giving birth. He's giving the impression he just doesn't care, which is really hurtful.

Just seen that you have had kids. Boo for you for having it easy then.

That may have been your experience, but from the table below (from the UK government website) you can see it was 1989 before that became the majority experience.

And that is exactly the point that I was trying to make, the 'back in my day' brigade sometimes just can't see that their experience is not absolute, and that it should not define people's expectations in today's society.

And just because some people, like yourself, did have to come out of hospital within two days and had no choice but to get on with it doesn't mean that those who have a choice now should just be grateful for the bare minimum.

What is manageable for one, might not be manageable for another.

Can your mum take some annual leave or carers leave? My mum took 3 days annual leave to basically wait on me hand and foot and though it was short, it was a bloody godsend in terms of feeling more like myself for a bit.

MadAboutThat - you 'd have to go back before my experience of childbirth to find new mothers stayed in hospital after delivery. Yes we were lucky - next day if born after 12 noon, same day if born before 12 noon - and that was the 60s, when depending on area, many also had no choice but home delivery if a straight forward birth was expected - including 1st child

I'm woth Robee. Totally self centered.
This post would be my husband will not support me and I need to go back to work after 6 months because he can't afford to feed us.
Get a grip on life.

They also fail to recognise that 'back in the day' not all people had the same experience as them, or their experience may not have been the best thing for their baby.

They also forget that 'back in the day' mothers were not ushered out of the hospital within 2 days, it was normal practice that they stayed for 5 or 6 days for a vaginal birth. I would assume longer with a C-Section, especially as 'back in the day' C-Section rates were a lot lower than they are now.

Let's not forget that everyone heals differently, and that one child is not the same as the other.
Some people just can't see beyond their own little bubble, OP, don't pay them any mind.

@Robbee "child development was my profession for many years, so I do know what I'm talking about."

Doesn't mean you were any good at it.

Child development has moved on rapidly, even in the last decade, so if you did this profession years ago (not clear from this post when you last worked in this profession), then your knowledge would be very outdated by now.

You are being really harsh to a newly post-partum mum who is struggling right now - shame on you.

Honestly @Robbee if you were a child development expert you are either really out of date or burnt out but either way you are being horrid and unhelpful. My DSis always said you should never take advice on childrearing when your children are small from anyone who has a child 18 months older than yours, we wipe the reality of the early years out of our minds because it is bloody hard and if we remembered it clearly we wouldn't do it again!

@joao2570 I don't think you are at all unreasonable to want just two weeks of meaningful support, and you aren't getting it. I agree that paid help if you can afford it is the way forward. Someone who can pick up the slack, cuddle the 1 year old while you are breastfeeding and generally be useful - a mother's help. Would that be a possibility?

Then try to be a little more compassionate. You're currently channeling 'Miss Trunchbull' and your attitude belongs in the 1950s!