Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

YNBU

My DH changed jobs one months before I gave birth to my second, he didn’t qualify for any paternity leave.
He was about for the weekend before he left for his job in another city through the week.
it was tough.
You’ll probably get through it though.

He's being a massive twat, but honestly when I had my youngest I wasn't in a much too dissimilar situation, I said to him, it's fine, you've been as much use off as me having an extra child. I'll figure it out, as I always do.

I huffed, got on with it, and it took him a very very long time to bond properly with DS.

Was your second child an accident? Its awful timing to have 2 so close together when your dh has to build his business.

I don't see how leaving him is going to sort your problems. Your dc are too young to dump them 50 50 with him and go back to work. He couldn't support you if he worked less.

If you run your own business you don't get the same perks as employees. Holidays and additional leave may not be possible.

I appreciate you are hormonal but you really need to realise your own role in the timing of having 2 young dc and find other ways to get support. Plus if course you're exhausted with a newborn. I'm surprised you forgot given your eldest is only 1. It gets better!!

What is it with these men and their oh so important work? If you were my dd I'd be there helping you and most likely helping you to get shot of him as well.

I sympathise. I found having a baby and toddler incredibly hard.

It sounds like you’re having a tough time but if you left this would be reality 24/7.
It’s hard to comment without knowing the financial state of the business but he may well be feeling pressure too as the sole wage earner especially if he’s self employed.
It’ll become easier when feeding is more established and you can get out and about to groups with baby, especially as your eldest is in nursery.

2 very close in age are always going to be tricky, especially when the father you know is like this as he did it the first time.

To be honest it depends on the business, is the household relying fully on the income for it or is your maternity package decent? Is he a sole or does he have staff who could keep things going in his absence? Is the 1 year old in nursery full time?

Nicely- you knew this was going to be the case, and presumably you’ve spoken to him before about this.

So he is not going to magically step up. You dont say enough about finances and his business to know whether he could if he wanted to, or he really can’t - but it’s somewhat irrelevant.

I’d have a calm conversation and tell him that you are getting a nanny/ mothers help for a few hours each day as it is impossible to manage 2 kids that small on your own 24/7.
And this is a shared expense- not something you pay for yourself.

if he kicks off about the cost- then point out that that this spend is what is allowing him to work instead of taking some paternity leave.

And go back to work soon- don’t be a SAHM.

He doesn’t understand what parenting takes- don’t fall into the trap of doing it all while he thinks it’s a breeze and you end up with no financial independence.

Oh I’m sorry, that’s really shit. Similar to me and my DH took a grand total of half a day off work after having our second by c-section and I had an 18 month old at home to deal with as well. It was a nightmare but I survived and my DH had no option as something went spectacularly wrong the day before I gave birth and he was let down horribly by one of his employees.

I think there is a difference here though in that your DH is able to WFH? Really, he needs to be doing the bare minimum that’s needed during the day with regard to work and doing the rest when the 1 year old is asleep in bed. Also obviously he’s being a twat not getting up with the kids and lying in bed when you are 8 days post-partum. That alone is grounds for divorce.

What did you agree before baby was born?

I'm so sorry. Tell him it is unacceptable and if he can't prioritise his family then he won't keep them much longer. He needs to step up. Perhaps you can at least agree minimum times where he has BOTH the kids so you can rest?

My DH was similar @joao2570 and I really do sympathise. Mine basically used the two weeks paternity leave to fart around doing jobs he deemed ‘essential’ such as driving a five hour round trip to collect something he’d got on eBay, painting rooms and so on. My c section wound ended up getting infected because I was overdoing it (partly own fault for not wanting toddler to feel left out.)

I think there are some exceptionally unsympathetic responses here: for whatever reason MN often isn’t very kind but this pretty bad even by their standards.

Can you afford a mothers help? A few hours a day would be great

Well he's not changed. And it's second time around so you knew what to expect. That doesn't make it any easier for you right now though.

And you need more support, so where are you going to find it from? Your close family is the likeliest or ILs that you like, or close friends, or if you have none who can come over, then pay for maternity nurse/doula/temporary nanny until you are more back on your feet.

He has had 9 months to prepare for this, as far as I'm concerned he has no excuse and is negligent and uncaring, unwilling to prioritise his recovering wife and young children, pretty useless tbh although I wouldn't have had another one with him either op.
Can you stay with another family member or have your mum visit and help for a while?

I too am wondering why, with him having proven so useless with your first baby, you then have another so quickly and expect him to be different?

I don't know anything about his business to comment on that but he has known this baby is coming and roughly when for 9 months so should have put a plan in place for 2 weeks.

Ask him to pay for a nanny for a month. Someone to help and support you if he can't.

Definitely explore staying somewhere else.

There isn’t enough information here. What are your finances like, or the business finances? Can you afford for him to take two weeks off?

Well if you leave him you will have this problem all the time!
If he did the same with child 1, why would it be any different with #2? What would happen to his business if he didn’t work? Would you as a family take a huge financial hit?
Sounds like you need to seek help from someone else, family member or friend. Crying isn’t going to resolve anything.

I'm sorry you end up in that situation, you are not unreasonable at all and he's a twat!
Can you go somewhere else for a few weeks, or is someone else able to come stay with you to help? You will need help for more than 2 weeks!

I think you should warm him how close you are to the edge of a breakdown. No human woman is designed to be left on her own with a newborn for the first two weeks. We've never done it in human society.

Some cultures might have had a group of women all gather round and help. In our culture we usually have the baby's father or our mum/sister/even a paid for newborn nanny.

Either way you put it, you can't do it on your own and you need to tell him that.

Self-employment is addictive. Really he needs to put an out of office message on his emails or a sign up in his window saying "I've just had a baby - back in two weeks!"

Is he self employed as a sole worker or does he have staff that work for him. Are the staff able to run the business for the 2 weeks without his input

There isnt enough information here about what type of business it is, your financial situation and the staffing situation to say whether he can just up and leave for 2 weeks

Its natural for you to feel low and down and want help but he may not be able to do this right now. Who is the providing the paternity leave if he runs his own business?

Does he have weekends off?