Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

In which case he is making good/excellent money.

Stop wasting your time trying to get him to support you. He won't / doesn't want to.
He needs to provide the funds if you don't have them for you to:

• Hire a night nanny (they will bring the baby to you to feed)
• Hire a day nanny
• hire a cleaner if you don't already have one

These can be short term or longer term solutions
Once that's done

• Get on with it
• try not to let the resentment kill your marriage
• Don't have a third and expect it to be any different...

What hours does he work and does he WFH?

I can completely see how you need his help and he should be stepping up but if this is his own business and you both rely on this income, then I can’t see how he can just stop working.

But as soon as he gets home and during his lunch if he’s WFH he should be doing 50/59 of the parenting and housework/cooking.
You should not be making him lunch!

What is a typical day for both of you like?

I'm sorry this sounds really tough and like you are coping amazingly.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I also don't think he is the callous twat some posters are saying he is. It's not like he is sat in his boxer shorts playing computer games all day covered in Doritos dust.

I remember when I went on my first mat leave my otherwise amazing partner went into over drive at work and rather than stepping back to concentrate on the home and our family pursued a huge promotion. It nearly broke our relationship as our youngest is complex and I had awful depression.

My partner's reasoning when we eventually communicated was that they felt this overwhelming pressure to be provider and that they knew they should also step up at home but didn't know how, they didn't feel good at it and that it all got a bit 1950s family dynamic in their mind of breadwinner and care giver. They didn't blaming me but on reflection I know that I was exhausted, demanding and difficult (with good reason). I was constantly disappointed with them and very critical when they did help as I was overwhelmed myself. They wanted to be and feel helpful - it was at work through material provision they got this feedback.

Speak to him, tell him very directly - he sounds like he is trying his best to do the right thing but is getting it very wrong.

You sound like you are doing brilliantly but need more help.

Is his business the kind that he can just step away from it for two weeks? Many people who are self employed can’t do that without losing clients.

How will stopping work for two weeks impact the business and finances?

There is a difference between spending more time on work than needs to be spent and doing work that needs to be done. Work and financial responsibilities are like child responsibilities, you can just walk away from them.

If he has other people to do the work or it is the kind of work he can turn off for two weeks without impacting the business - then he should be working less. Bring in other help if you need it.

My DH is very similar. I am coming to the end of my maternity leave with my second and, as with my first, he has just worked and worked. He did take two weeks at the beginning though so a little better than your DH but he works long into the night so he’s basically absent 5 days a week (and a few hours each weekend day). I have still not fully forgiven him for continuing working like that while I struggled with quite bad post natal depression and anxiety with our first. However, he just won’t change and I won’t leave so I’ve just had to find ways to deal.

My oldest is a bit older (she was 2 when baby was born and has just turned 3). Having her in nursery has made it a lot easier - is upping your eldest’s nursery hours, at least while you get through the constant clingyness of the newborn phase, an option for you?

Lean on family if you can - mine are a couple of hours away but have been able to come once a week, they don’t really take the kids and give me a break but they do at least provide company.

Do everything to prioritise sleep. My baby is going through an awful sleep phase at the moment (I’m praying it’s the cold he’s got rather than a new sleep pattern) and it’s like having a newborn again. I can already feel the resentment creeping back in and I know it’ll get worse if I don’t get some sleep soon. Don’t wait for DH in the evenings - go to bed as early as possible.

Good luck!

My DH is self-employed and I know he can’t take the 2 weeks off- last time he took 4 days (I was induced on a Tuesday so he was off Tues-Sun, back to work Mon). I’m expecting again and know this time will be the same. DH doesn’t have anyone to cover him and its more difficult than taking a planned holiday when he can do extra work the week before and after to compensate as we just don’t know exactly when baby will arrive. Its the joys of running your own business.

What’s not ok is promising you he’ll take 2 weeks off and not doing it and not doing more to support you when he is around. Having 2 so close together is hard work but it does get easier (DD1 & DS1 are only 16 months apart) and my 2 have an amazing bond so it is worth it even though it probably doesn’t feel like it right now.

What's your financial situation? Is your mat pay enough to cover your family outgoings for this period, or have you got plenty of savings to cover this? And what will happen in the longer term if he loses business as a result of taking time off now - will your income be enough for you to live on if everything goes pear-shaped? If so, yanbu at all to expect him to prioritise paternity leave over work. If there is a risk that taking time off will leave the family in financial difficulty, though, I can understand why he is continuing to work.

You say that he was the same after your first baby, so I guess it was a bit of a risk to have a second one so soon. However, it sounds like he might have promised that things would be different and now he isn't sticking to that promise? That might be him being unreasonable or it might have been him seriously underestimating what it would take to keep the business ticking over.

In the short term, I don't see how leaving him is going to help you, as you'll be alone with your two kids even more, and in a more precarious financial situation than ever. Fair enough in the longer term if you feel that his attitude is a dealbreaker. Right now, though, if he can't/ won't work less, you need to find an alternative solution - pay someone else to help if you can afford it, or source help from friends/family.

It's really tough when you're desperately sleep deprived and still recovering from the birth. I hope things ease up for you soon.

But what practical steps did you agree, to avoid a repeat of last time?

I’m so sorry.

Realistically you can’t do this alone. Until hospitals got so overcrowded, mothers used to stay in hospital for two weeks after the birth. In medieval times it was six weeks. (Yes I know some poor countries have women working soon after birth but those countries also have high death rates, and traditions of relatives helping).

If he won’t look after you and the baby then you need to get other help in. I assume you have no family support. You need to hire a temporary nanny/doula for at least several hours a day so she that you can recover physically and get some sleep.

Don’t ask his permission. Send him an email / anything else in writing. Make it very abrupt and clear, similar to this:
(1) Recovering from childbirth is more serious than major surgery.
(2) If I do not get proper rest to physically recover, I could have physical problems for the rest of my life.
(3) You have made it clear that you refuse to take paternity leave and refuse to look after your children for even an hour a day.
(4) Therefore, I have hired a nanny. Her name is [] and she starts tomorrow for [] hours a day. The cost is £X.

Well it sounds like you're both exhausted in different ways, running a business with that many employees when things need sorting is super stressful, as is having 2 very young children. The only solution really is to hire in some help until the business is back on an even keel? I know it's unhelpful but if he was like this last time it should have been obvious things wouldn't be wildly different this time, what were your plans when pregnancy bearing this in mind?

I can sympathise with both sides really. You will now presumably be on maternity leave for a long while and the only one working is running a business. If he was employed and would get his full salary during the first 2 weeks I could understand that you are pissed off. It's completely different when you are running your own business and you are expected to provide for 4 people. Taking 2 weeks off would mean half a salary but also potential loss of future earnings. It's a scary prospect for most people.

What on earth is the point of all the comments like this in this thread? How do you all think they help?

You should have sorted some proper help out while you were pregnant. Running a business with that many people, as if he’d only work 1-2 hours a day with no handover plan in place.

So knowing what you did, why have a second child with him?

I’m sorry but if it’s his own business and at a crucial stage he probably can’t take paternity leave. I doubt it’s selfishness — more acute anxiety with a recession looming and a growing family. And I know how tough it is for you, OP, but you will get through it. I second others’ suggestions that you call on your own friends and family to help if possible.

Well it depends on what type of business he has. If it’s the type that cannot be left for a full two weeks and he doesn’t have the staff to manage it then you are being unreasonable but if it can be managed without him then he is being unreasonable. Hard to say with this information. I second what others say though, get a family member or a short term nanny if money allows it

If he really cant take those two weeks off due to work, he should be bending over backwards to make your life easier at every opportunity otherwise, never mind sleeping upstairs!

I mean, kindly, you were on to a loser already expecting him to magically be a better dad and husband after the first pregnancy / birth. What were you expecting? Why did have have another child to be ignored by him?

Honestly, if a man isn’t willing to step up during the most crucial time, he isn’t worth hanging into as far as I’m concerned. The only outliner would be money / finances. If he needs to work all hours of the day to pay the bills then he needs to work (but again, why have a child in such a dire situation?).

I’d personally have 1 final, non emotional (difficult in your PP state I know) to lay out the facts on the table. If he doesn’t start pulling his weight and it saying like that then I’d do as pp suggests and go stay with your parents if they’re an option.

But, you can plead until your blue on the face. If he wanted to help he would. Don’t expect him to change imo.

And what will happen if he abandons your business for 2 weeks op?

If he left you to it the first time, you shouldn't really be surprised he's done it again tbh, but as a business owner, you can't just down tools.

If the business needs him now, it's going to be very difficult for him to take time off. Even a day can have a negative impact, two weeks could be the difference between success and failure. Having two babies so close together was a bonkers decision, but you knew after the first one that he would work during the first two weeks. And a lot of women do have to manage on their own with no help.

You need to talk to him. He needs to realise your exhausted.

I'm assuming he cannot just drop work for fear of loosing clients.
Can he employ someone to do some of his job, even pay existing staff over time?

Is your mum or other family able to help you?

He sounds incredibly selfish. Could your mum or MIL come and stay or could you go and stay with her.

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children

Then tell him this. Tell him its non negotiable. He needs to take 2 weeks off.