Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

@joao2570 people who call him selfish for not taking time off are just not getting it. A small business can fall apart when the boss and owner is not there: staff can fail to do their jobs properly or quit, important customers can become disappointed and go elsewhere, the firm can lose its reputation and hence lose future customers. Even in two weeks.

What can and almost certainly should be done is to throw money at the problem and hire some help for you at home. If his business has 50-100 employees presumably there is enough money available to do that?

Tell him that you understand he cannot be as personally available as he wanted to be, but you really need more help at home, right now, and so you are going to hire someone to help however many hours you need (plus add a few extra to give yourself a break as well).

@joao2570 I can understand the lack of help inking if it was promised. Did your dh perhaps say he'd help for a quiet life when really you both should have been looking at alternative arrangements. For the time being can your toddler do some extra/longer days at nursery?

Our DC are 29 and 25 now and DH was a self employed professional when they were born. When Pat leave was non existent and Mat Leave was 6 months. DS was a month early and born on Xmas Day so I did have DH's help for the first few days we were home. Then my mum came for a week. When dd was born, luckily it was Whit week so I had him fkr a few days and his mother was in situ until the baby was 8 days old. But so was the au-pair.

DH is a workaholic, still is, and nothing was going to change it. I carried the full domestic burden and still do although I went back to work 20 years ago.

There are compensations. The money pays to outsource many jobs: cleaning, ironing, gardening, childcare when they were little, other help too. It has also paid for a very nice life and an excellent education fir the DC. Except for the workaholism he is kind, loyal and moral.

Times may have changed but dd's bf has similar work commitments. If they get married and have dc she will go I to it open eyed knowing his work will be a priority. Hopefully I'll be retired then and able to help.

My DH has his own business too

Upside: he can usually be more flexible about stuff like kids assemblies and sick days than I can as he doesn't have to ask anyone

Downside: no sick pay, holiday pay, redundancy etc and demand fluctuates so at times he has to work long hours to keep clients happy. It's the flip side of the flexibility.

When our DC were small I had no expectation that he would take paternity leave as we both knew that was impossible to rely on. That's an employed person luxury. Therefore we made alternative plans. Between my mum, my sister and mother in law coming to stay and some good friends who cooked meals, babysat for a few hours and did some loads of laundry I was able to be supported. We are both eternally grateful and tried to repay the favours later

Sorry OP but I do think your expectation of a self employed person taking 2 weeks paternity leave is unrealistic. You 100% need support but it will have to come from elsewhere

You need to do two things:

1.) Have a calm and honest chat with DH to say that you are exhausted, at breaking point and you need him to step up and do his share of parenting and supporting you for the first couple of weeks, as agreed beforehand. Let him know how upset and unsupported you feel. Tell him exactly what you need from him, in clear terms, maybe even make a list.

2.) Then you also need to bring in as much external help as you can get/afford. If family aren’t available then I’m hoping you can afford it if your husband has a business with so many employees. There is a fab company in my area that has a bank of Mother’s Helpers, Maternity Nannies etc that you can hire on a regular basis or for short term adhoc help. They are mostly Mums who work between 9-3 while their kids are at school, so you can have one come just for a couple of hours in the daytime - they will help with whatever you need, tidying up, take baby for a walk in the pram, batch cooking, laundry, go do your weekly shop for you etc. Costs £15ph. Have a look online and see if your area has something similar.

Do you have any Children's Centres near you, or similar? I practically lived at mine when 2nd was born, because you do have a group around you. The toddler was happy and entertained and safe, so I could sit and breastfeed. Or if baby was asleep, someone would sit and hold him whilst I gave the toddler some attention. Plus, there were people about to ask about latching or whatever. It was about the closest thing to having a big group of women round helping, as was / is more common back in time / in other cultures.

YANBU though in feeling irritated by your DH. But he's not going to change by the sound of it, so you'll have to manage the situation yourself, unfortunately. There are ways to do it though, whilst still enjoying your time with your children too x

Whenever people post like this I always refer them to the doula uk website for a postnatal doula. My doula saved my sanity twice round. DH working super long hours and zero paternity leave the second time round.

I've read your replies but not the full thread so sorry if I've missed something.

I do have huge sympathy for you. It's not an easy time. My DH is a farmer so self employed. He didn't take two weeks off when I had DS. It wasn't bad with 1 new born. But he did dramatically reduce his hours and did the bare minimum on the farm for a few days, not even a full week. He couldn't.

We are TTC no 2. I like you though would be expecting DH to do a lot of the work with DS so I can concentrate on the new born. But if it all goes belly up on the farm and he needs to work he will have to. It's one of the down sides to being self employed.

But you do have my sympathy you sound very stressed. I know you said your mum works full time but does she live close by to call around after work sometimes? Just to help out a small bit?

If you are feeling overwhelmed keep talking to people. x

YANBU OP, it's shit. I think the worst thing is that he doesn't see how you're struggling.

A brand new baby and a toddler is really fucking hard, so let's forget about the here and now for a second. What's the agreement when things are more stable? In some families it's agreed that one parent will work all hours and the other do everything at home, and it can work out for the best financially. I admit it wouldn't be for me, but it can work very well.

In that case, he needs to see that it's not possible for you to do everything right now, and the people who will suffer for that are the three he loves most. He needs to consider how he can help (time and money), make a commitment and stick to it, just as he would at work.

If it's not that sort of set up then that's even worse.

Time for a very frank chat about how he's letting his wife and children down.

Actually this is a good point too.

I’m sorry you’re struggling. My husband and I can’t afford for him to take his paternity leave which is 2 weeks at stat paternity. He is taking a week and will take a week of annual leave a few weeks later over Christmas. We did a similar thing with our second. I found having a loose plan/structure for the essential from almost day 1. Even if it was visit my mum/mil/Nan/friend etc. good luck it will get easier!

if she’d died or been seriously injured in childbirth someone would have to look after their children. These men just don’t think their wife’s health is important until that actually happens.

Or DF or FIL?

Add to any list or conversation : I am vulnerable and stressed and hurting and I need you now. You are letting me down, and I may never forgive and I know I will never forget. If you don’t focus on what matters and the promises you made to me there will be no one to look after you when you need it one day. Certainly won’t be me.

Yes, exactly. A lot of people seem happy to enjoy the financial benefits of their partner running their own business and yet resent the amount of hard work that inevitably goes into this.

If the OP's own financial means are sufficient to support the family and they can afford for the DH's business to take a hit, then fair enough. But if they are reliant on his income, then the reality is that he might not be able to just drop everything at will.

I totally understand it

Like I said to the OP.
If he can't / won't be present, buy in help...

This is what everyone I know does who can afford it and with 50-100 employees they can afford it.

We will have a night nanny 3-5 nights a week for first 3 months and ft nanny on an ongoing basis as my DH will start a new job just before our second arrives so no pat leave.

And I would be willing to wager despite having a relatively high hh income it's still lower than OPs....

I am guessing she is happy to enjpy the lifestyle his ' oh so important work' provides.
If you marry a man who employs 100 people you cannot expect him to work 9-5!

@BarbaraofSeville That's another MN assumption - that everyone gets "annual leave". You frequently don't, if you run your own business. You're there all the bloody time!

If you don't want to be married to a man and his business, then marry a man who has a "normal" job.

I think it's awful that he hasn't taken paternity leave off, or even reduced his hours. Sorry OP but I would be very upset. Don't you dare be cooking him dinner!! I'm a stay at home mum and my husband helps me very much - no way would i have coped. Now is the time to demand he pays for a cleaner once a week too otherwise it'll all fall to you...sending hugs though because that is a very tough age gap x

This and ..
Can you ask your Mum to come and live with you for the next three weekends?
Can you ask your husband to prioritise just two or three days per week when he will only work three hours per day?

There's not much understanding on MN for people who run their own businesses. Everyone on here seems to be a public servant or work "in an office".

If you run your own business, you can't have two weeks off just because your wife has had a baby. Women who marry men who run their own businesses are mad if they think the business is just going to evaporate when it suits them.

I have a similar age gap and had an ELCS with DC2 and you just have to get on with it, if you decide to have children with a man who is always at work.

I'd rather that, than have a man who doesn't work hard.

50-100 employees is a substantial business. And it sounds like you agreed that he would have to work at some point.

If he can't help you himself then he needs to pay for some help. I'd suggest an overnight nanny for at least 2 weeks or possibly longer. It will be expensive but it will make a huge difference. Or a part time nanny to help in the mornings and evenings when older child is at nursery.

Can't think why you had another baby so quickly. Anyway if your DH is self employed he needs to work of you will have even more to worry about if you get into financial difficulty. Can't believe people are saying he needs to prioritize his family and take time off. Working is prioritising your family and giving them stability and paying bills. Honestly, the naivety of some folk on here is astounding.

He employs dozens of people but it's not a particularly well run business if he doesn't have at least one, preferably two or more competent deputies who could step in at a near equal level if he was unable to or take annual/paternity leave like a normal person.

What would happen if he was ill or had an accident and couldn't work?

I agree that if he will not take paternity leave to do what he should be doing for the children that are his responsibility then they should employ a nanny/maternity nurse for a few weeks.

You'll be exhausted and very emotional at this point. It's a very difficult time and, and a shock to the system.

In reality it should have not been a suprise, his not looking after you, since he didn't the first time. Maybe you completely underestimated the reality of having a newborn and one year old? (Is that one as in 12 months? Was that a purposeful choice for both of you?)

But that by the by, you're understandably struggling. I'm not sure what can be suggested. If you leave now you'll lose more - you will still retain that unhappiness that he is useless and you'll be without money and possibly a home (I'll take a stab in the dark that a) he won't support you financially if you leave b) he won't move out.) And you're unlikely to be in any state to fight that battle yet.

I think you need to secure yourself physicsl and emotional support elsewhere for now, if you can. If you have a decent family ask them. Don't be embarrassed to reveal your situation. They are unlikely to be suprised.

Then when you are recovered considered your situation, talk to him give him an ultimatum (and follow it through).

Don't have another baby with him.

I would have some sympathy for the work situation if he was doing all he could to help whilst not working. But the fact he just stays in bed of a morning when you've been up all night tells you what kind of man he is. Maybe your feelings about leaving are valid, and maybe when your babies are older you should.