Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

Absolutely if she's struggling she should speak to hr HV or GP, but I think it's a bit of a leap to say that someone with hormones, sore nipples, a new born and a one year old automatically has PPD just because she's finding it difficult. It IS difficult.

I really feel for you OP, you’re in an awful place. The thing is that even if he really can’t take time off (hard to know whether this is true or whether he’s just a workaholic), he could at least turn his mind to you. He could be understanding and empathetic. He could be saying “I understand that you need to recover, what can I do to make this possible?” If he can’t support you himself, he could be asking friends or family, or arranging paid help. I find it hard to believe it’s impossible for him to provide some support at night. You’re not a machine.

My DH was like yours, really unable to understand the reality for me post partum and I have never forgiven him.

Some moronic replies on this. He's either a sole trader and taking 2 weeks off could potentially destroy a business or owns a decent size enterprise with a lot to oversee as stated there are issues. I also get the impression he's the sole provider. Either way the poster appears to have post partum depression and should ultimately getting help with that.

This sounds incredibly difficult op and I absolutely sympathise, as I got no help from my husband either (he was working full time and doing an MBA in the evenings).

I can only advise doing what I did, which was to ask for help from elsewhere. Luckily for me, my PIL were very helpful and I had some help from the nursery staff too. It was so tough and exhausting and although I did get help, I really wanted it from my husband not other people. I kept seeing friend’s husbands helping out and having lovely bonding time together in the early weeks and tbh I still resent not getting that time as a family.

@Backtobacky I agree that things/ responsibilities are different when you're self employed (I'm self employed myself!) but I meant that a) the two week paternity expectation is now very standard (meaning his clients etc should understand and accept him taking a two week break) and that b) due to being self employed I have so much more flexibility than an employed person would to front-load all my work and organise it around that two-week period just like you would organise work around a long-planned two-week holiday. I'm doing that exact thing myself at the moment, pushing myself to complete all my major projects ahead of our next child's arrival next year and making sure all the various stakeholders are aware I'll be taking a break at that time and have got things in place to support that. I do get your point, but I personally can't see why being self-employed means you can't take two weeks off, especially for something as vital as supporting your wife and new born baby in the immediate postnatal period. I might be wrong which is why I asked the OP for more details on what he actually does.

OP, you said something about nasty surprises in the business. And he has 50-100 employees, for whose livelihoods he is responsible. A reasonable man would not drop that, even temporarily, nor should you want him to.

"If you run your own business, you can't have two weeks off just because your wife has had a baby. Women who marry men who run their own businesses are mad if they think the business is just going to evaporate when it suits them."

My mum ran the family business employing 50 people from her late 20s (when her father died unexpectedly) to her own death a few years ago. She had 3 children during this time- born late 70s/early 80s . She got a manager and more or less always had a manager since. They had their problems at times and sometimes the managers needed babysitting a bit. But overall it worked well. My sister runs the business now- she kept the manager. It's a big staff cost and if you get the wrong one it's a total balls. But a good one is worth it and mum had plenty of time for all of us growing up. We went on holiday for a week every year, before email or mobiles were a thing, and I don't remember her ever going off to make phonecalls during that week.
Mum also had a cleaner for a couple of hours one day a week till we were in our teens.

I just wanted to say that, actually, crying releases stress hormones, which are carried away in the tears. Hence, crying is, in fact, helpful sometimes.

I would accept that this may be the case if there was any indication in the OP that the DH could see how much OP was taking on and how much she is struggling.

I would be so upset if my DH couldn't see my efforts and my struggles like that.

Right in all practicalities you aren't coping (which would??) he isn't/ can't help.

Can you enquire whether your 1yr old can do nursery 5 days a week and he needs to drop off and pick up e.g. 08.30 - 17.30,

Order in loads of pre done meals e.g. cook or slow cooker dump packs that's dinner sorted.

Load of washing done and hung out each night to stay on top of that.

Get yourself flasks and make yourself stations with lots of drinks and snacks. Set up a home delivery system.

Tell him fine he has to work but you will need him for 15mins every few hrs so you can shower, have a break etc bond with baby

And that if he works at the weekend you will hit him round the face with a wet fish.

Also say as he isn't taking paternity now you expect him to claim it back and take it later- It must end within 56 days of the birth (or due date if the baby is early).

I would be so so disappointed by this. He is letting you all down badly.
You dont know anything about his business or their financial affairs. He could be doing the best for his family at the moment especially as we are having a cost of living crisis.

If your dh is running a business it isn't always feasible just to take two weeks break without taking a financial hit.

My dh is self employed sole trader with his business. He took a day off when I got home after the baby. Of course it wasn't easy.
It wasn't any easier when baby 2 came along but dh wasn't going to work for a laugh. Times were tough and we were in a recession and he had to keep us a float. I just kept life as simple as I could until I got my energy back. Dh pulled his weight when he got home and during the night so I could rest and recover though.

When dh has to stop working for anything unexpected it does throw a spanner in the work.
It made sense for him to go back to work asap if in case he needed to take time off for emergencies later on.

What is it with these men and their oh so important work? If you were my dd I'd be there helping you and most likely helping you to get shot of him as well.

Well in our case and possibly the ops their ' so important work' kept money coming in, which meant we coul pay the mortgage and have somewhere to live. That was pretty important to us to be fair.

I certainly would have struggled 8 days in with a one year old on top. I found looking after two alone very difficult until the youngest was about 2.5 and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Fortunately DH felt the same and so we worked together. Young DC are full on and the newborn days can be awful.

Some of these replies 🙄 OP you are absolutely ok to feel like this. I’m not going to give you a long reply but for all those saying she should be able to cope with two kids, have you not seen that she’s not even a month postpartum yet?! Those days are the trenches and I cannot imagine also having a 1 year old to look after.

OP if you don’t have the village then please consider getting either a mother’s help or a postpartum doula. I had a doula with my first, I was really struggling mentally and physically and didn’t have the external support for lots of reasons. This lady was a godsend.

I would be so so disappointed by this. He is letting you all down badly.

I’d throw extra money at it and get some help asap. A mother’s help a few hours a day. Universities finish soon - I’d advertise on local Facebook.
I’d focus energy on that not arguing with him as unlikely to help.

Even people who are self employed? Most of my family aren't employed and don't have the luxuries that brings - sick leave, paternity leave etc. and taking two weeks out unexpectedly early would be possible.

Obviously there are also advantages but paternity leave isn't one of them. How can it be standard when people's set ups are so different?

You must be exhausted.
Have you spoken to him and arranged you get some rest and time out besides nursery drop off's is vital for you now.
Call in some help if you can manage too.
Take care.

I also think hiring someone is a good solution if funds allow. I understand there will be times he can't just down tools and disappear, but you need support with two babies to look after, especially so soon after birth.

Please sort some decent contraception so surprise no.2 doesn't turn up in another year.

most women can manage 2, without losing their minds and needing 24/7 help

Can’t just take time off when it’s a business!!! I went back to work when my daughter was 3 weeks old and worked till the day I gave birth. Part time and I had her with me but that had been meticulously planned. I’m sure you’d not be happy about the financial impact on your family.

You knew full well that be wouldn’t be able to take conventional paternity leave since ‘the plan’ was always for him to work whilst the eldest was at nursery. Then it sounds like stuff has come up and actually he needs to work more than that which is unfortunate timing (just like the pregnancy) but it shouldn’t be a surprise to either of you because it also happened when you had your first and it’s often the way it goes as a business owner. I don’t think that makes him an unreasonable twat. I do think you’ve been naive. However, you are where you are so no point now saying you shouldn’t have had the second. Realistically, the only way you’re going to get more help is to pay for it- cleaner, meal delivery service, part time nanny, up the eldest’s hours at nursery. If any of those are affordable to you then don’t hesitate to start making arrangements today.

Throw money at the problem and get him to foot the bill. Easy as that. He's not going to drop everything & you're about to lose your mind (understandably) with 2 babies. Call a nanny agency and tell them you need a full time nanny & night nanny and share the load with them. It's going to cost a fortune but it's better than sacrificing your own health and mental wellbeing.

Sadly self employed and running a business then you can't down tools for two weeks esp if there have been some business issues and he is growing the business.