Was I selfish or wrong to have got pregnant?

I also find repeated mentions of giving a child away very worrying, and think you need to get support from a midwife or health visitor. It’s really not an option, but in any event- as someone further up said, don’t borrow trouble.

many of your worries about losing yourself are completely normal. I think everyone worries about how they will cope, and this is a very normal time for those worries to surface.

i Would think you’ll have support from your church won’t you? Every church I’ve been involved in has been very supportive of mothers and babies.

I had a disabled mother, in a wheelchair and chronically ill. I had a wonderful childhood, and I miss her every single day.

If you are registered as partially sighted, you should have a social care assessment which can establish what help you might need. Definitely find out about local transport-bus and train routes, trial taxi firms. Get a suitable light buggy that collapses easily to get it onto the bus. Get a cleaner.

I wouldn’t be asking or relying on fighting families or friends with young families for lifts/help around the house.

You are not selfish at all. With the proper support you'll be as capable a mum as any. I needed a lot of support due to PND and autism and I feel no shame about that.

Would adult social care be available to you? It might be worth checking if there's anything in your area.

If your DH's family are wanting to help, accept it! And go NC with your family if they kick up a stink. If you're prone to overanalyising and spiralling thoughts you need positive and nurturing people around you. Anyone who triggers anxiety and feelings of low self-worth are to be avoided when you are in the vulnerable position of just having had your first baby.

You don’t say much about your husband. He was presumably involved in planning the baby and thinks the two of you can manage. I wouldn’t bank on any particular support from friends or family, they don’t owe you anything and you don’t want to set yourself up for disappointment.

Thinking you can just give a baby away is a very worrying thing to think never mind say. Have you discussed any of this with your husband? Are you getting perinatal mental health support? These are things you really need to discuss with professionals. You say you’re worried about PND but it sounds like you’re already suffering from anxiety and depression. Please be honest with your midwife.

It sounds like a combination of elevated anxiety and effects of past trauma on self-esteem. Honestly, I think getting some counselling is the best option at this point.

Hi op, some of your worries are worries that every parent to be has. 'Losing yourself' is a common one.

I think you should set your expectations of your family very low, and do whatever you can to avoid relying on them and putting yourself in a situation where they let you down. You're starting your own family now, I think that having a child will put your past troubles with your family into perspective. Your focus going forward is not their squabbles, but building your own family life.

There are two of you involved in raising a child. Your dh will need to step up considerably, but it sounds like you have a good relationship and he'll do that? Part of that I think will be about helping you to find your independence and confidence. When baby is born, can you find some baby groups and could your dh and you do some dry runs to help build your confidence about getting out and about - for example using public transport? Once you've done it a few times, you'll hopefully be more confident. Support should be about helping you build your ability to get out independently with your baby.

Focus on the things you can control or influence. There's a lot of 'what ifs' in life and nobody can say you won't have a neurodovergent child. But as a parent you will make that mental shift, roll up your sleeves, and get on with life - pretty much as you've always done - except your love for your child tends to make you even stronger. If you've weathered a lot of storms in life already, you're actually better equipped than most to raise a child!

If you have adhd, much of your self doubt will come from anxiety linked to it. Can I ask what support you've received/ are receiving since being diagnosed? Organisation is a big part of parenthood. If your skills are relatively weak in this respect, there are strategies you can use. I'm making huge assumptions here, for which I apologise, but they come from a place of understanding the challenges (dd is neurodivergent, ds I suspect has adhd, as does dh). For our ds, we use Alexa reminders a lot, which I would think could be quite helpful for someone who is also partially sighted.

Many of your worries are very normal, op. Some of them though are rooted in your own anxiety and relationships with your family. I think if you address the things you can control, you'll feel much better.

You can do this!

1. Lots of people can’t drive or don’t want to drive. If you get any financial help due to your sight loss then taxis are exactly the kind of expense that money is supposed to help with. Get to know your local taxi firms. Your child as they grow will also have opportunities to go out or socialise without you - for instance even if you don’t need childcare for work you might choose to send him to nursery so that he gets different experiences that way too.
2. Your family are going to have to learn to shut up about your parenting choices. If you need some help and they don’t want to help but your husband’s family do, accept the help from your inlaws. Have you heard of the concept of an information diet? You don’t have to tell your family everything if it’s going to cause you issues. Accept help from your inlaws and don’t talk to your family about it and give super vague answers if they ask direct questions.
3. You’re not going to let your house get cluttered because you need it streamlined to avoid bumping into junk on the floor or sifting through piles of unused things to get to what you need. If you have any storage space (attic, big cupboards, garage, basement) then get some large plastic bins in 2 different colours. One is for outgrown toys and clothes, one is for too-big toys and clothes. Have a clean out of baby’s stuff every 3 months in the beginning and every 6 months later. Outgrown clothes and toys you either sell on/give away or store for future possible siblings, depending on your family plans and your available space. Day to day you make yourself a little system so all baby’s clothes and toys have spaces to be put away and you don’t get overwhelmed.
4. On maternity leave you won’t have to think about stupid work politics. Bonding is a process and happens at different moments for different people. Sometimes it happens weeks or months after baby is born, often when baby starts smiling and interacting.
5. Have you heard of the phrase ´don’t borrow trouble’? Worry about your child being neurodivergent if and when it happens, not before.
6. Take your baby with you to church :) Most have Sunday school or creche or something for young children - perhaps not for tiny babies. If your church doesn’t then suggest they set one up. Make a deal with your partner to keep a regular slot of time open for you to go out and do things you love. Would a weekend morning every week work for example? Tiny babies need feeding very regularly so if you want to leave him from birth for a whole morning you might need to consider mixed feeding or formula feeding rather than exclusive breast feeding. If you did want to exclusively breastfeed you’d just have to start with shorter times away for the first few months.

No I don't think you are selfish, but it does concern me that you talk of "giving him away" as if that is a reasonable option. For starters this baby has two parents, so surely if you can't cope for any reason, his Dad would take over looking after him? You need to be committed to this, and even if it gets tough keep going. It does get easier as they get older, and you will adapt.

You are worrying about a lot of things that might not even happen here - pick things that genuinely present an issue and work on putting mechanisms in place to cope with them, don't waste energy fretting about the unknown.

The big secret of parenting is that NO new parent ever feels truly ready. Honestly, all your DS will care about is that he is loved and o reckon you've got that covered.

but I know I’ll need regular breaks and support.

I’ll be stuck in the house with little to no support and my marriage will suffer.

Your post seems to suggest you will need a lot of support from friends who drive for lifts with the baby and at home, but I’m not sure how realistic that will be. Are these friends people who also have babies to look after? This sounds stressful and not something I would want to be worrying about asking others for.

I would look into investigating and practising using bus routes and also finding reliable taxi firms. Can you claim DLA/PIP? Is there possibility of support through your VI-are you registered as partially sighted? What about paying for a cleaner or mothers help?

I'd go NC with my family and go on and live my best life if I were you op.

I work with people with sight loss and they have every right to have a happy and fulfilling life, the same as everyone else.

You will need support around you - all new mums do. I’d suggest getting out as quickly as possible to baby groups - breastfeeding groups especially - and make new friends who can be a mutual support over these years. Friends with babies will understand your challenges much better than friends without.

I think every mum to be frets that they are not good enough in some way. I was worried that I had a history of depression and maybe having babies was the wrong thing to do. 20 years later and I have three beautiful young women who are my daughters - life worked out!

Your anxiety is natural at this point, but you will be okay - make friends and get support around you, same as any other new mum, and you’ll be fine. :)