Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

Give a smaller present to your parents in front of sister but give whatever else you buy away from her.

She probably feels like shit that she has less money than you and feels guilty you spend more. Just change it to £10 per person and that is a nice compromise. It's horrible always being the one that looks stingy at Christmas and it really makes you uncomfortable. Just help her feel better this year and buy your mum a gift whenever you like AFTER Christmas when your sister won't be there to see it

I would go back and say you've thought about it and it doesn't really work given the 'per household' idea. When the households are not even both in number and in financial ability.

Appreciate her budget is £40 and suggest she buys you/dh a bar of chocolate or similar token and spends the rest on mum/dad and you will figure out your own spends. It is all about embarrassment and saving face and that will be really hard to get around without causing further embarrassment.

When do you see everyone ar Christmas- could you just avoid doing a focused gift exchange at all - make the centre of the day dinner or something else?

This is a sensible method I think - being clear that you don't want her to give you a gift at all if that's a financial burden.

Don't do bloody gifts amongst adults at all. It is so childish and landfill is getting full.

Nothing will stop you treating your mum ... except the fact that it's not Christmas? If you want to treat your mum, then treat your mum. You don't have to wait for a specific day.

I'd tell her not to bother with gifts for you and to concentrate on your mum given the circumstances.

If you are getting your mum considerably more than her then perhaps you could give her the bigger present Christmas eve or later in the day (if you will all be together for gift opening?) That way she doesn't need to feel she didn't do enough and you still get to gift as you please.

Maybe say you won't stick to 20 per household but can do 20 per person? I don't see why she should feel uncomfortable anyway as she's already happy to receive a better present than your parents individually as hers will be twice the value.
I would be just saying I'll buy them what ever I want to but if not could you give them something else before or after Christmas?

I'll spend what I want, DB can spend what he wants on our parents. They don't care or compare, all presents are appreciated

Just agree to do no gifts with her. There's nothing worth buying for a tenner and £20 the price of bog standard gift. You buy for your dps and do gifts when she's not around.

This^

There is absolutely no way I would be dictated to in the circumstances you describe.

This is you treating your mother whom doesn't have much and no doubt looks forward to your thoughtful gifts.

Email your sister again, if picking up the phone is an issue.

Apologise to your sister for your hasty response. Tell her you absolutely appreciate that things are very difficult for so many and to forgo any gift to you, but you will NOT be curtailing the small pleasure your mother gets from the gifts you give her.

Upon reflection I would be pissed off with her request. It's a selfish request and I simply wouldn't entertain it.

Thd alternative is acquiesce to this and give your mother New Year day gifts as an extra treat that you picked up in the sales.

I would be cautious going forward with your sister and her requests going forward. That one when it involves your parents isn't fair.

It could lead to resentment from you.

Just agree. She has no say how much you spend on any other household. Between your households fine. She's probably just making sure it's clear she's not meaning that she will spend £20 x 4 for arguments sake on Christmas presents for your family and getting one £20 present back.

It’s not fair that she gets double what everyone else is spending on them.

Message back and say it needs to be per person (£5 or £10 each).

Or do what my family do and do a secret Santa between you all and have a limit of say £20.
That means that everyone will get one present worth £20 but you’re all only paying out once, instead of £20 per person which adds up.

If you want to get your parents an additional gift then just give it to them in private, without her knowing.

I'd spend what I want on Mum & Dad, tell her that I wouldn't bother with her & she shouldn't bother with me & my husband & she can put that towards M&D instead.

You've agreed to it now so you need to stick to your word.

But there's nothing to stop you giving your parents gifts or taking them for treats in the run up to Christmas. In fact they might enjoy this a lot more. Plus it wont make things difficult for your sister who is obviously struggling.

Problem solved.

Why would you tell her how much you spent? Can you not give a token gift infront of her to your parents and whatever else you want to give, do in private.

Well to avoid rubbing her face in it, I'd agree to the limit and just treat your parents another time when the difference between what you can afford won't be so obvious. Christmas is just one day, you can treat your parents anytime.

Yes I agree. It’s really tempting to give to your parents privately but if she found out she would feel it was massively patronising that everyone “pretended” to go along with her plan. It also puts your parents in a compromised situation as they have to keep it from her too. I also wouldn’t pretend to have misunderstood as she might detect that is disingenuous too. Just say you agreed but having thought on it you don’t want to do that but could you compromise by not gifting between her and you and DH. That would leave her more budget for your elderly parents if she felt she had to keep pace with you ( which is ridiculous btw. Families know of and understand different circumstances).

Just don’t tell her what you are spending? As long as you don’t get your parents a massive sackful of presents when she just has biscuits, how is she actually going to know what you have spent?

I’d believe two books and some bath stuff could plausibly come in around £20, or certainly under £30. It could also come in around £50 depending on the brand, but if she goes around with a calculator, she is looking to be offended.

As others have said, I'd simply say you agreed between your house and your sisters but you don't want a limit for your parents. It's reasonable of you to not want to stick to a budget for your parents set by your sister, I understand she probably feels a lot of pressure and upset that everyone else might spend loads on each other and she can only spend very little, but that's something she needs to work through herself, there's no reason she should feel bad, Christmas shouldn't be about how much people spend on each other. But if you start this this year, it'll only be expected next year too.

Could you do mum and dad a Christmas eve box instead?
PJ
Slippers
Hot chocolate
Chocolates
Good book.

Then get them some little bits for Christmas day.

I don't understand the need for everyone to spend exactly the same, it's not about an equal exchange it's about giving to loved ones. That's different for everyone depending on their means. Secret Santa with work or a hobby group is a fair enough place for a spend limit, but within family it seems odd to me, you might as well just all spend that amount on yourselves!

Since you've already agreed I'd do what others suggest and email to clarify that it's between you both, but maybe in future tell her not to worry about a limit, just do what she can manage

Not really I spend FAR more now that I'm not single.

Single I bought for... mam, dad, brother & best friend.

Now I buy for... my 3 kids (so a hell of a lot more right there), DH, 5x nieces and nephews, PIL, B/SIL, brother and until very recently my mam and dad too.

Its not transactional but out of that I get something back from DH and MIL (my mam did always buy me something too, but we lost her this year).

Everything increased 10 fold since not being single but I'm not 'rolling in gifts' lol, the only thing that stopped was me buying for best friend.

It sounds like your sister doesn't have much money, and having been a SP most of my children's childhood, and now living alone, I can't help but empathise with her. My sister, happily married all her adult life, has a lot more money than me, and has always been able to give fabulous presents. I've learnt to live with it, but to be honest there were times when I would really have appreciated a per household cap. I don't think you're being massively unreasonable, not at all, but perhaps you could try the cap this year and see how it works out?