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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

214 replies

ImTheGoat · 27/11/2023 08:25

My sister doesn't earn a lot of money and has asked that we set a limit of £20 "per household" for Christmas presents this year. AIBU not to want to do this?

It's just my sister and our parents plus me and my husband. Sister lives alone. So according to the rules she's suggested I can spend £10 on each of my parents but £20 on her.

I don't care at all about the value of presents I receive however I like to treat my parents at Christmas. Nothing outrageous, usually about £30-£40 each person. My mum has had a bad year health wise, she's elderly and I don't know how many more Christmases she's got. I usually get her a couple of books she requests plus another little something. She doesn't have a lot of money to spend on herself so I ask her what she would like and get it for her. Then I try to spend about the same on my dad and sister so it's fair.

DH and I exchange gifts separately at home so that's not an issue. And if my sister didn't want to spend much herself that's totally OK and not a problem. I've told her I'd be really happy if she made me something- I suggested some biscuits for my husband and me as a household and my mum and dad have said the same.

The problem is when she emailed to request this £20 per household limit I emailed back immediately and agreed because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Now I'm regretting it. AIBU and what should I do?

OP posts:
FaiIureToLunch · 28/11/2023 06:51

My sister tried this once. We ignored it 😂

ExtraOnions · 28/11/2023 06:47

We are all adults now, we do “secret Santa”, so you only buy for one person, with a £30 limit. It’s mostly fun stuff people get…
When it stated it was called “austerity Christmas”, but now it’s just what we do.
Takes a lot of pressure off

Stressedoutmammy · 28/11/2023 06:40

Spend what you want and just tell her you had some fantastic Black Friday deals! Who knows what you actually spent?

Dustybarn · 28/11/2023 04:54

I think your sister doesn’t want to be embarrassed at the present exchange, so I’d stick with her budget as agreed. But maybe have a lovely hamper delivered to your parents just after Christmas with all the seasonal goodies that they can enjoy by themselves over the holidays?

YerArseInParsley · 28/11/2023 00:46

@ImTheGoat

She's clearly set £20 per household so she gets £20 but you and your husband have to share £20. You should have said to her no, £10 per person not £20 per household.

Regarding your parents, you do what you want. Why you so afraid to tell your sister you are spending more on them? They are your parents fgs and she has no say.

I did try to set a limit with my sister per person as I have less money but she said that doesn't bother her, she will spend more on me if she wants. There are 6 in her family (plus our mum)and only me and my son so I'd be out more money anyway. I don't do per household I do per person. Sounds like your sister is trying to get more money for herself or she thinks she's to get the same amount back as she's spending on you and your husband, it's 2 of you 1 of me kind of thing.

Terfosaurus · 27/11/2023 21:03

housethatbuiltme · 27/11/2023 09:30

I never get all this gift giving bullshit... its made so commercial and heartless when people do this.

No gift giving has a budget dictated by others... buy whatever you want and can afford too.

Someone saying 'you must spend £20 each on my 3 kids' or someone saying 'you can only spend £10 on your parents' doesn't matter... they don't control YOUR budget.

I would spend like £15-£20 on family in the past, many of those family members (like male siblings) spent £0 on me and thats absoloutly fine... it never needed discussing. I buy the gifts because I want too.

I agree with this.
I buy presents for the people I want to buy for. And I spend what I can afford.
If they don't buy anything for me then that's fine. That's up to them.
If they spend more than me I don't feel bad for being poorer than they are. They choose how much to spend, the same as I do.

My brother talks a lot about how much he spends on other people. And how that makes him such a good son/Grandson. I'm pretty sure I love our parents/grandparents as much as he does. Money doesn't equal love.

flowerygloves · 27/11/2023 20:46

chattyness · 27/11/2023 20:07

Why not suggest you both just buy for your parents and not each other? That way you can both spend more on them, if she has a moan about what you buy for them , just tell her you shopped around, made the most of your budget and were able to get some good deals soit all cost less than it looks.

Or this?

flowerygloves · 27/11/2023 20:46

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 27/11/2023 08:27

Email her back and confirm that she means £20 limit between her household and yours. If she replies and says no it's for mum and dad/sister/brother as well then reply and say oh sorry no I already shopped for them and I don't want to limit myself.

This. You can agree £20 for her and you but she gets no say in anything else

MeridaBrave · 27/11/2023 20:43

I’d only spend £10 or her and whatever you want on your parents and later say you just thought the £20 limit was between your household and hers.

Abbyant · 27/11/2023 20:41

£20 doesn’t get much other then toiletries or chocolate these days, just tell your sister your happy for her to stick with that but you want to spend more on your parents because frankly it’s none of her business what you spend anyway.

Dotcheck · 27/11/2023 20:26

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 27/11/2023 08:27

Email her back and confirm that she means £20 limit between her household and yours. If she replies and says no it's for mum and dad/sister/brother as well then reply and say oh sorry no I already shopped for them and I don't want to limit myself.

Yep

mezlou84 · 27/11/2023 20:16

I would say, you did mean between us not everyone else because I have plans for mam and dad etc but I don't mind the limit on us 2.

chattyness · 27/11/2023 20:07

Why not suggest you both just buy for your parents and not each other? That way you can both spend more on them, if she has a moan about what you buy for them , just tell her you shopped around, made the most of your budget and were able to get some good deals soit all cost less than it looks.

Deathwillbebutapause · 27/11/2023 19:48

Sounds like someone withdrawing / spiralling into despair. Poor DSis. Christmas is so hard when everyone else seems full of cheer (and cash), and you've got fuck all.

Original poster
ImTheGoat · 27/11/2023 19:41

She wouldn't accept money from me. She's actually cancelled lunch with me recently because she says she couldn't afford it. I offered to pay but she said no.

OP posts:
Forgottenmypasswordagain · 27/11/2023 19:34

Offer her money if you are in the position to do so. It can be your gift to her. As Christmas draws closer, you are don't feel happy about this restriction regarding mum and dad, it is ok if she wants to but you're out of the plan.

Daphnis156 · 27/11/2023 16:32

You replied agreeing.
Now you want to quibble.
Just do what you want and don't tell her.

sollenwir · 27/11/2023 16:23

Tell her that you will appreciate whatever she can afford to get for you, as will your parents, but you don't feel it's up to her to dictate how much you are allowed to spend.

Deathwillbebutapause · 27/11/2023 16:09

Ohtobetwentytwo · 27/11/2023 08:37

Id strongly suggest being graceful and either doing a seperate private present or sharing a gift as it's more tactful but if you really dont want to and would rather it be obvious on christmas day that you can spend more than her, then I'd text her something like "shit, this is really awkward but I've just remembered that ove ordered X for mum and dad. Hiw do you want to handle? Could do it as a joint gift?" And leave ball in her court.

This

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/11/2023 16:06

Dsis can't police what you wish to spend on your parents!
She can ask for £20 between your household and hers if you want to do that
Or she might welcome you agreeing to skipping presents between you

SawX · 27/11/2023 15:20

shepherdsangeldelight · 27/11/2023 13:58

There are also 364 other days of the year when you can treat your mum after "everything she's done for you".
And I'd argue giving her a gift on one of those days would mean more than just giving her one because "Christmas is a traditional gift-giving event".

With regards to my age - I'm old enough to not feel I have to be gratuitously rude to strangers to make myself feel better.

Show quote history

You could argue that but you'd be wrong. And lol that you think your reply was polite.

Wishmas · 27/11/2023 14:29

It's OK for her limit of spending to be 20.00 per family . What others choose to spend is not her business. But don't make her feel bad that she can only spend 20.00

MzHz · 27/11/2023 14:21

@ImTheGoat If your sister is having issues with budget at Christmas, honestly that is understandable and nobody NEEDS to give anything to anyone, you have given her some ideas and said that she doesn't need to be extravagant or anything with you, but seriously she can't control what others do. If this approach of hers is all about making herself feel better, that's crap honestly and very dismissive of you all in terms of how you want to treat your parents at Christmas.

Just tell her that you respect her wishes and that she honestly doesn't need to get you or your H anything, that you would far rather enjoy time with her and that she honestly has nothing to worry about. HOWEVER, your parents have done a lot for you, you do want to get them something and you don't want to be confined to £10 each as that doesn't sit right with you.

Stand up for yourself a bit.

shepherdsangeldelight · 27/11/2023 13:58

SawX · 27/11/2023 13:37

How are you old enough to be on the internet but not to know Christmas is a traditional gift-giving event?

Show quote history

There are also 364 other days of the year when you can treat your mum after "everything she's done for you".
And I'd argue giving her a gift on one of those days would mean more than just giving her one because "Christmas is a traditional gift-giving event".

With regards to my age - I'm old enough to not feel I have to be gratuitously rude to strangers to make myself feel better.

Original poster
ImTheGoat · 27/11/2023 13:52

Duckling89 · 27/11/2023 13:40

£40 isn’t much more than £20, can’t you just buy like normal and if she says anything just say you got it on a deal?

The thing is, she is saying £20 per household, so £10 each for mum and dad. I usually spend £40 each. Too big a difference to hide or wave away with black Friday sales.

OP posts: