Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

Your sister does not dictate to you. No idea why people are suggesting you email her to clarify/justify anything. Don't do that.

Just spend £20 on her, then spend as normal on everyone else.

If she says anything after then say you assumed you meant your gifts between the two of you as obviously it's not her place to dictate to you how much you spend on others.

Why do people allow themselves to be dictated to? I’d say ‘£20 limit? Fine’ - then I’d go ahead and do exactly what I want.

Some people are genuinely struggling and I think their wishes should be met .
why don’t you suggest you don’t buy for each other at all
we shopped buying for siblings and nephews and nieces ( once they hit 18 )
a few years ago now
everyone is happy with this

Spend what you want then tell her it was all on sale!

I think it depends how much you would normally spend and what the relationships are like.

You could tell a white lie about getting an amazing bargain if you weren't planning to spend much extra, but that won't work if you were planning to spend a lot more.

You could suggest both chipping in for Mum and Dad and you will stick a bit extra in.

You could suggest no presents between you and just buy for Mum and Dad if that makes it closer to what you wanted to spend.

You could stick to the budget but have a pre-christmas outing with your parents and treat your parents to dinner or tickets or something.

You could agree to the budget between you but tell a white lie that you have already ordered for your parents and gone over budget.

I think it is reasonable for her to request a limit between other people and herself, but she can’t impose a limit on what other people spend on others.

For example when I was a student I was utterly skint and I told my family not to get me anything that year as I couldn’t get them anything. It did not occur to me to tell them that they couldn’t buy gifts for each other. In fact, is it possible you have misunderstood and she meant to do similar to what I did?

It's Christmas, you are an adult, as I was told, she is not the boss of you. Do what you want, certainly as far as your parents are concerned.

Surely the limit only relates to you and her and your parents and her, not you and your parents? Although they may feel bad to buy more for you and yours than they do for her so it’s tricky.

My sister is doing a budget as she doesn't earn as much. I earn more and only saying as it's relevant.
But I told her is she is fine to spend what she likes but I'm spending what I like. It will be more but I don't care. My sis means a lot to me.

We are both completely fine with that. And we both get to spend what we want. She's always thoughtful in gifts and to me that means more than cost.

Just talk to your sister. Say she can do what she wants and you do what you want. Then everyone gets what they want and no hard feelings.

I was in a similar situation with my dB a few years ago. I'd had a good year financially, he hadn't and my parents had had a rubbish year. I felt like they needed spoiling, but didn't want him to feel bad that he wasn't able to do the same. I snuck a "big" present to them the week before Christmas and asked them not to talk to my dB about where it had come from. I then did secret santa as usual with our family.
Ironically this year its been the other way around and my dB has had no issue at all with being very vocal about being able to spoil our parents this year so don't know why I bothered really 🙄

Secret Santa is the way to go. Only buy 1 present within the family within DS budget. You can do something separately with DP. She sounds like she's really struggling, esp that she's emailed all this and not spoken to you.

Why not just email saying you’ll happily observe that limit in your present exchanges with her but that your present-buying for your parents is separate and you’ll do what feels right for you on that front. You just have to be straightforward and pleasant about it, and if she has an issue then it’s her problem not yours.

Exactly this!

You could do Advent gifts for your parent. Number them 1,2,3,4 and they can open one every Advent.

Yes, what did she actually say in the email? Surely it's just easier to clarify now that you meant it's fine between you and her but you will spend a bit more on your parents.

I also don't think the 'per household' thing is unreasonable. As others have mentioned single people often have to buy 2 gifts for couples and get one in return. If you and your husband are spending £20 between you on her and she is spending £20 on you and your husband then she is not getting double what she has spent she is just splitting it between you.

For many years I was the skint one in the family at Christmas, and couldn't afford to spend much on each person. More than once I suggested to my brother/sister that we stick to a limit for each other - basically because I didn't want them spending twice as much on me as I could spend on them, as I felt embarrassed getting back more than I could give.* However, I would never in a million years have suggested that they shouldn't spend whatever they wanted on other people! It wasn't for me to say that they couldn't spend £50 on my mum and dad just because I could only afford a tenner.

Has she actually stipulated that she expects you to keep to the budget for your parents as well? Because otherwise I would assume she just meant between your household and her household. My siblings and I do similar with each other, but it doesn't affect what anyone spends on our parents

To avoid this, next Christmas suggest a Secret Santa for the adult family members.

My family has grew and grew since little ones have come along. My sisters are now all 16+ (I have 3 sisters) and it was becoming far too expensive spending individually.

I still buy individual presents for parents and my surviving grandparent and my down syndrome aunt. Then the kids. Me and my sisters do a secret santa with a £30 limit which saves us all so much money and we all generally get a better quality gift rather than stuff we dont want.

I will be suggesting the whole family does it (bar the kids) next year if costs continue to rise with a £100 limit so each family member gets a higher value present.

Just dont tell her how much you spent. I'm sure you parents will like whatever she gets them and won't be bothered if it cost less

I really agree with this. It’s not such an unreasonable act that you need to be sneaky about it - but going behind her back is more of an issue. I’d just front up. Do it her way between your households and each do what you like with your parents. Op, you said you tend to tiptoe round her because of MH issues. Believe me things will turn nasty if she finds out about the sneaky hamper etc. I’d feel patronised and grumpy yet I don’t have MH issues, nor am I used to people tiptoeing round me. But if she is, all hell will break loose. It’s also just sn unpleasant position to put your parents in.

I personally dislike this idea.

it feels really disingenuous and your argument is based on a mere technicality. “Technically” not breaking the rules is about as meaningful as somebody “technically” not cheating.

simply tell your DSis that you thought the rule was between her household and yours and not about your parents. Which would be reasonable when one considers that they will spend more than £20 in total on Christmas presents and hosting!

If you truly can’t be honest, you could claim that this was obvious (to you) because you already bought the presents for your parents and because your parents will be spending more than £20 as well…

Just remember with the per household thing, I think you'll think your sister comes across and stingy as she gets a while £20 present but people in couples only get £10 each, but when you do family holidays or weddings she will have to pay double what you two do each as no one to split hotel room, taxi fares etc with

Whatever you do, don’t try and be sneaky about it.

None of this nonsense about Christmas Eve boxes, sneaky presents before or after Christmas to hide it. That makes your parents complicit in the lie and if it gets found out it’ll likely hurt her more than if you were upfront in the first place.

Just tell her straight. You’re happy to stick to the £20 between you and her, or you’re happy if she wants to save money and not give a gift. But she can’t decide how much you spend on your parents. That’s up to you.

I often spend way more than my brother does at Christmas because I’m a Christmas nutter and love buying gifts. But we don’t view it as a competition. Just because I buy more and spend more doesn’t mean we don’t love our parents equally. We just have different hobbies😂 mine is shopping 😁😂

If we started to get into the childish comparisons it’d end up ruining everything. We don’t sit there and tot it all up to find out who spent what. We get spoilt at Christmas so I like to do the same.

Email her back and ask if she’s any ideas for the £20 gift exchange between you both. You’ve bought some x for your mum, you’re keen to spoil her after so much illness

Just tell your sister you want to stop gifts with her and give her a box of biscuits for her house. As for your parents buy then whatever you like.