Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

214 replies

ImTheGoat · 27/11/2023 08:25

My sister doesn't earn a lot of money and has asked that we set a limit of £20 "per household" for Christmas presents this year. AIBU not to want to do this?

It's just my sister and our parents plus me and my husband. Sister lives alone. So according to the rules she's suggested I can spend £10 on each of my parents but £20 on her.

I don't care at all about the value of presents I receive however I like to treat my parents at Christmas. Nothing outrageous, usually about £30-£40 each person. My mum has had a bad year health wise, she's elderly and I don't know how many more Christmases she's got. I usually get her a couple of books she requests plus another little something. She doesn't have a lot of money to spend on herself so I ask her what she would like and get it for her. Then I try to spend about the same on my dad and sister so it's fair.

DH and I exchange gifts separately at home so that's not an issue. And if my sister didn't want to spend much herself that's totally OK and not a problem. I've told her I'd be really happy if she made me something- I suggested some biscuits for my husband and me as a household and my mum and dad have said the same.

The problem is when she emailed to request this £20 per household limit I emailed back immediately and agreed because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Now I'm regretting it. AIBU and what should I do?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
PassingStranger · 04/10/2024 13:52

Scrap it altogether. No adult needs a present cos it's Christmas. Too much stress.
I'll spend x on you, you spend x on me pointless.
Buy what you need for yourself.

GrannyRose15 · 04/10/2024 10:58

Parents

GrannyRose15 · 04/10/2024 10:58

Don’t let other people decide what you spend on third parties. It’s ok to agree £20 between you and your sister. But spend what you like on your parented. It’s none of her business.

billy1966 · 02/12/2023 09:20

Glad you found a solution.

Give some thought to protecting your own MH from hers when your parents eventually pass.

So much tip toeing around a sibling like that can make life very difficult for those left behind to deal with.

Original poster
ImTheGoat · 02/12/2023 08:03

Thanks again for all the replies. I stuck to the decision I made in my last post and have now sent Christmas Eve boxes to my parents with their main gifts inside. I know some people didn't like that idea but for me it felt like the best solution. My parents won't mention it to my sister. For those who couldn't fathom why we sometimes tiptoe around my sister in our family - it's due to her mental health difficulties. Be glad you don't understand!

OP posts:
Rugbyballhead · 02/12/2023 07:54

Just say you got most things from a charity shop and therefore are still within the budget she set.

sueelleker · 29/11/2023 19:18

Is this just for both of you, or is she proposing that your parents also stick to the rule?

Blueflower1612 · 29/11/2023 19:04

I think you should just be honest. Let your sister pay what she is comfortable with and you can do the same. If she can’t afford to spend more that’s her choice but that doesn’t mean you need to limit your spend. £30/£40 doesn’t get you much these days, I think a £10 limit would be really hard.

Coconutter24 · 29/11/2023 18:29

There’s some good suggestions on here to work around your sisters rules and still giving your parents a gift you want but why dance around her? Why not just say to your sister you agree to spend no more than £20 on each other/household but your not including your parents in this as you would like to buy whatever it is you want to buy. I can’t understand how anyone can dictate what someone should spend on someone else, fair enough she hasn’t much money but you don’t have to agree to anything you don’t want to

Namechange666 · 29/11/2023 15:56

User18598390 · 28/11/2023 18:24

Why is she even spending £20 on adults presents, what a waste of money

It might be a waste to you but believe it or not, some family like getting each other presents.

Just let people do what they want to.

MrsSunshine2b · 29/11/2023 15:35

I don't think it's any of her business what you spend on other family members. I wouldn't dream of asking my brother how much he spent on my Mum and Dad. I would spend whatever you like on your parents and if she confronts you about it, just say "Oh, I'm sorry, I though that was an arrangement you were making between yourself and other family members. I'd rather we keep what we give our parents separate."

MovingBird123 · 29/11/2023 13:50

Are your parents hosting? Stick with £20 limit for Christmas gifts, then bring extra gifts for your parents as hosts.

MadMadaMim · 29/11/2023 10:20

We have a similar situation with a sibling who cannot work due to severe mental illness. We buy 'joint' gifts from the 3 of us for parents and sometimes it's £20 each, other times, and other sibling and I will put in much more, depending on gift. Next year is a big birthday for one parent and we're planning a short break and party on the day with all from nds and family. It will be a gift from all of us, even though 2 of us will be paying for most of it. We have waaaaay more funds - it's only fair.

LynzyG · 29/11/2023 07:12

If you know she’s struggling this year why not just say ‘ shall we leave buying each other this year and then you can spend the £20 you were gonna use for our presents on a nicer gift for mum and dad’

YerArseInParsley · 29/11/2023 02:47

Aprilx · 28/11/2023 15:08

I think it is reasonable for her to request a limit between other people and herself, but she can’t impose a limit on what other people spend on others.

For example when I was a student I was utterly skint and I told my family not to get me anything that year as I couldn’t get them anything. It did not occur to me to tell them that they couldn’t buy gifts for each other. In fact, is it possible you have misunderstood and she meant to do similar to what I did?

Did u get gifts?

GlitteryRainbow · 28/11/2023 22:58

MitchellMummy · 27/11/2023 08:30

Just give your parents the extra presents after Christmas without your sister there. A little bonus for them and doesn't upset your sister.

This ^

OldPerson · 28/11/2023 22:54

Sister is perfectly reasonable to set her budget - £20 for sister and parents' households. That's her limit and it should be respected and reciprocated. And you don't need expensive presents to have fun - winter fairs, winter walks, mulled wine, jigsaws xmas music and films. However, the sister cannot dictate how everyone else spends their Christmas budget. And seriously, if in awkward situation, go buy tickets for a commedy night/play/concert/day at theme park - an activity, where the main value is in participating and making memories.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 28/11/2023 22:40

Ragwort · 27/11/2023 08:32

In general terms I think that's a reasonable (& very sensible) suggestion ... can your DM & DF have 'joint ' gifts .. or could you be a bit sneaky and just give an extra gift to your mum in the lead up to Christmas saying something like 'I know DSis asked us to stick to the £20 rule but I really wanted to buy you this book' or something like that.

I think it's very hard for the least well off person to raise the subject so if it was me, I would respect her choice. (Even better in our family we have stopped presents for all over 18s!)

No it's not reasonable. It's very reasonable for her to say limit to £20 for each exchange she is involved in but she doesn't get to dictate what other people do. And sneaking extra gifts is just ridiculous and silly.

OP should tell her sister she respects her wish to limit exchange with her to £20, but she has no say in what she gives to their parents. Frankly her sister doesn't even have to know how much or what was given.

PippyLongTits · 28/11/2023 22:04

I really don't understand why one person's budget dictates another's. Spend what you can afford and let her do the same. In fact, why not email her back and say "let's not bother with Christmas presents, let's spend the £20 on going out for a drink and spending some time together".

Calliopespa · 28/11/2023 21:35

Judecb · 28/11/2023 20:04

Why don't you agree that you don't need to give each other anything this year and that you'll club together to get something really nice for your parents instead.

I like this idea

Judecb · 28/11/2023 20:04

Why don't you agree that you don't need to give each other anything this year and that you'll club together to get something really nice for your parents instead.

PeachyPeachTrees · 28/11/2023 20:01

You could get your parents a fancy advent calendar, so not actually a Christmas present. Then spend £20 on each parent and £20 on her for Christmas presents.

H007 · 28/11/2023 19:53

YANBU £20 between you and her household. You can spend what you’d like on your parents and she can spend what she would like.

Sennelier1 · 28/11/2023 18:32

I would most def spend as much or as little as a choose myself!

User18598390 · 28/11/2023 18:24

Why is she even spending £20 on adults presents, what a waste of money

Swipe left for the next trending thread