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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughters don't want me

83 replies

Greedybilly · 26/11/2023 19:10

I've been so sad for a few weeks now Partly because I feel so unwanted bu my kids - both teens - both have jobs and friends which is great obvs but no time for me! I just occasionally want to have a cuppa/watch tv - god forbid a day out or go shopping or to the pics. They just don't ever take me up on my suggestions and it hurts. I'm genuinely pleased that they have lives etc I just feel sad that I'm not on their radars. Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 26/11/2023 19:56

Congratulations you've raised two independent females OP.
This is their time to spread their wings and they will return to you.

Original poster
Greedybilly · 26/11/2023 19:55

Thanks all. I'm not a 'needy' person really just want the odd film/dinner round the table. I appreciate the comments- given me a bit of perspective. I know I'm lucky in many ways just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

OP posts:
ActDottie · 26/11/2023 19:55

They’ll come back round, at that age I didn’t really want to be around my parents but then once I was at uni I started wanting to spend time with them again. I think it’s just their ages.

Whattheforkisgoingon · 26/11/2023 19:49

Hated(strong word I know) my mum in my teen years .

I’m in my 30s now and couldn’t live life without her.

Just hang in OP, they will be back soon. Wait until the first boyfriend(or girlfriend) breakup. They will be all about you.

You’ve done great!

tolerable · 26/11/2023 19:47

i think there is going to be an element of -its part of the process.In a positive light,youve got 2 active,socially equipped ,independent daughters-already n that not to be knocked.
Family dynamics can be a tough,crazy ride so in loads of ways you are blessed.
Great, but it doesnt take the sting out it i know.
For me, my "obvious" and their perspective doesnt always align. Im really black n white tho-and mine are boys.For us,me stating "stop rushing me through every step of childhood- n missing me out all the time" eyerolls and "neeeeedy"usual response. Then a lunch/diner/communal movie night...catch up.
...if you dont point it out they might not realise?

MsRosley · 26/11/2023 19:47

In all kindness, pull yourself together and hang on in there, OP. This is standard operating procedure for teenage girls. They'll change in their 20s, when they calm down and grow up a bit.

LadyEloise1 · 26/11/2023 19:45

EveryKneeShallBow · 26/11/2023 19:21

As a parent of 20 and 30 somethings I’d say you need to back off for now. Once they’re confident in their world they’ll come back. And they’ll be amazed how wise and interesting you’ve become in the meantime 😉

Ah that's lovely 🥰

Lucytheloose · 26/11/2023 19:44

Teenagers need to separate themselves from their parents, it's part of the growing up process.

Mumsgirls · 26/11/2023 19:43

Been through this, but have to admit as a teen twenties, did nothing with my mum. In my case it took the go being born to get close again and the joint motherhood experience was key
In my unwanted phase, I kept super busy, travel, new hobbies and friends. Big mistake to let them know you are needy and they cannot be your reason for living at this stage. The wheel will turn for you and you will probably end up being very much in demand. Volunteering could be an outlet. You have much to give

buckingmad · 26/11/2023 19:37

Honestly this was me to my mum at a similar age. Then I hit 23 and wanted my mum all the time 😂 I’m now 29 and live 200 miles away and have children and ring her/FaceTime her multiple times a day. I think I annoy her more than she annoys me now 😂

GOODCAT · 26/11/2023 19:34

I spent very little time with either of my parents as a teen. Only contact was meal times and lifts! As an adult, I choose to spend time with my Mum now and we speak every day.

Lentilweaver · 26/11/2023 19:33

Oh, I sounded blasé in my post, but it is hard. And normal to feel sad.

Original poster
Greedybilly · 26/11/2023 19:33

@EveryKneeShallBow that's it- I don't want them coming out because it's duty or they're sorry for me. Yes hopefully they'll come back when fully launched- they're both startlingly independent (apart from wet towels on floor etc).

OP posts:
NikkiNokkiNooNah · 26/11/2023 19:32

Just be there and be supportive throughout this time and they will come back to you. Right now, hanging out with mum is just not cool. Their friends will always win. If you understand that and realise it is totally normal you can keep your sanity! Honestly, I've been through this and they will come back!

Original poster
Greedybilly · 26/11/2023 19:31

@WellThatChangesThings yes I think I need to hear that phrase 'temporary adjustment '. Thanks for your replies means a lot I've felt very sad about this all weekend.x

OP posts:
EveryKneeShallBow · 26/11/2023 19:29

It is hard, and can be very hurtful when they do spend time, but it’s clearly “duty” rather than because they want to. Unfortunately, they have to go through this stage to “launch” as independent people in their own right. A pp’s suggestion of a joint activity as a Christmas gift is possibly a good one. Good luck. Stay strong.

Original poster
Greedybilly · 26/11/2023 19:28

@meeplesmarples yes I've said that many times

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 26/11/2023 19:28

EveryKneeShallBow · 26/11/2023 19:21

As a parent of 20 and 30 somethings I’d say you need to back off for now. Once they’re confident in their world they’ll come back. And they’ll be amazed how wise and interesting you’ve become in the meantime 😉

Absolutely this. DD in her 20s is just starting to come back. Right now, you are not cool to them. Don't take it personally, Around this time, I started exploring my own hobbies, making new friends, and travelling.

Original poster
Greedybilly · 26/11/2023 19:27

@TheShellBeach and @justalittlesnoel thanks for your replies. Maybe I need to hang on in there for a few more years.

OP posts:
WellThatChangesThings · 26/11/2023 19:27

I’d say you’ve done an amazing job of raising them to be independent young women and should try to enjoy some time that is just about you. They will come back, this is a temporary adjustment!

reesewithoutaspoon · 26/11/2023 19:27

I think its pretty normal for teens to not want to spend time with their parents. They usually reappear mid-twenties/after Uni etc as they mature

meeplesmarples · 26/11/2023 19:26

Have you tried asking "I'd really like to spend some time with you, let me know when you're free and what you'd like to do? Or I can send some ideas over, let me know."

Original poster
Greedybilly · 26/11/2023 19:25

@EveryKneeShallBow yes I hear you! To be honest I have taken a massive step back in many ways but I can't help feeling sad about lack of time together and dissapointed in family life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greedybilly · 26/11/2023 19:24

@Conkersinautumn yes I've seen that but I'm no fan of dogs! I do have a job/hobbies etc I just feel so 'unneeded ' . I have mates with the opposite problem but it doesn't stop it hurting.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/11/2023 19:23

I found that my daughters were more keen to go out with me when they were quite a bit older.
Certainly not as teens. But we have a good relationship after they both passed the age of twenty.

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