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Husband left kids alone at home

509 replies

OhDamnYourEyes · 25/11/2023 00:32

I just came back home after a night out with friends, which was arranged a week ago. Husband was going to be home with the kids (8 & 11), put them to bed etc.

Yesterday he asked what time I was likely to be back, as a friend had asked him to go out for a drink. I said that I wasn’t sure, but not until fairly late. As a joke I said ‘you won’t just go out and leave them, will you’ and he laughted and said ‘of course not’.

Fast forward to tonight, I come home at 23:45, kids asleep, he’s not here. When I call him, he’s at his friends house (ca. 15 mins away) for a drink.

We had recently discussed starting to leave them home alone for short periods every now and then, and once went out together to a birthday nearby from 8-10.30pm (we couldn’t get a babysitter and gave them a phone to call us if they needed to). I did however say that I feel they are actually a bit to young for this, and that while I think it’s ok to go to the shops for an hour in the daytime and leave them, I don’t feel comfortable doing so at night.

I had a massive go at him over the phone, told him that he’s irresponsible and that I don’t want to see him. What would you do?

OP posts:
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Namechangedididittoo · 26/11/2023 17:54

Omg imagine them being asleep in bed and a fire started by the time they woke (if in fact they did wake) they would never get out of a burning house

ActDottie · 26/11/2023 17:49

What have I just read!!! Leaving and 8 and 11 year old alone! Sorry you can’t be annoyed at your husband you’re just as bad as him! Like wtfffff

Zerosleep · 26/11/2023 17:37

You are both as bad as each other, 11 and 8 are way too young to be left home alone regardless
of whether you are 5 minutes down the road or 15. WTAF. Totally irresponsible and acknowledging you did wrong isn’t enough, just don’t do it in the first place.

Amy8 · 26/11/2023 11:53

PingPongPiddlyPong · 25/11/2023 19:45

I work in a school. If I found out about this situation from either of your children I’d have to report it.
It would then get escalated to our safeguarding leads.

Then.? Safeguarding services and social services to which it would then be reported are wholly inadequate to address this low level issue

Supergirl1958 · 26/11/2023 11:07

Whiteday · 25/11/2023 14:00

@Supergirl1958 the OP doesn't put her social life on hold. But she states she couldn't get a babysitter, so therefore either mother or father doesn't go.

And if you read the OP the OP had made the plans first!

Rewis · 26/11/2023 00:37

Where I'm from it is totally normal to leave kids that age home alone. But even here you're not leaving them alone when they're asleep.

allhailthebrain · 26/11/2023 00:14

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 25/11/2023 06:06

Surely 16 is a very common age to babysit children much younger than 11.

It absolutely is - though he's not 16 quite yet - the reason it hasn't happened a lot yet is because the eldest only just left for uni 2 months ago. The three of them were regularly left together but eldest was probably more in charge as he's a bit more chilled.
#2 had been left with #3 no problems, just hasn't happened for 'a big night out', more for a couple of hours here or there 🙂We should go out more is my conclusion here 😂

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 26/11/2023 00:03

Mommywomb · 25/11/2023 23:55

What’s ND and NT?

NT is neurotypical and ND means Neurodiverse, the later mostly refers to Autism or ADHD.

Mommywomb · 25/11/2023 23:55

LizzieW1969 · 25/11/2023 13:08

Same here, my DDs are 14 and 11. However, DD1 is ND, so we’re obviously more cautious than we would be if she were NT.

What’s ND and NT?

CatamaranViper · 25/11/2023 20:32

I don't think social services would be remotely bothered about this.

My brother used to collect me from school when he was in yr 7 and I was in yr 5, we'd walk home, make tea, walk the dogs and start on homework until my parents got home around 6/6.30pm. This wasn't unusual or rare at all, it was very normal behaviour.

Leaving kids at night to go drinking is a bit much though, at least my parents were doing it during the day time and to earn money.

PingPongPiddlyPong · 25/11/2023 19:45

I work in a school. If I found out about this situation from either of your children I’d have to report it.
It would then get escalated to our safeguarding leads.

SleepyRich · 25/11/2023 19:32

I'm pretty lax with things like this and happy for my girls to quite a lot unsupervised that would shock many oh here. But even I think this is completely unreasonable!!!!

Forgetting all the extreme things that probably would never happen, fires/break ins etc, just the thought of them waking up for some reason and finding no mum or dad, not knowing where you were. That would be really upsetting! Before when you left them watching a movie they knew what was going on, that you were phoning at least. But just finding themselves alone :(

Zonder · 25/11/2023 19:23

MaisyAndTallulah · 25/11/2023 11:27

Please don't make excuses for inexcusable behaviour.

There is simply no such accommodations that are adequate for keeping unaccompanied and sleeping children safe.

The apologists for child neglect are truly pathetic.

I really don't think you read my post or the OPs posts.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 25/11/2023 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Deleted as requested by the poster.

Which law is that?

Nanny0gg · 25/11/2023 18:33

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 25/11/2023 06:02

I am surprised by the responses. My children are much younger but when I was younger this was the age that children started to be left alone from.

i don’t think leaving them alone one they are already asleep without their knowledge is acceptable though.

Don't know how old you are, but I'm late 60s and it didn't happen in my world at those ages

DaizyDee · 25/11/2023 18:26

There's no cut off point but it's illegal to leave a child alone if they're at risk. I'd say a whole evening alone is putting them at risk. I appreciate the OP has said she won't do it again but the husband clearly hasn't taken this seriously.

AvengedQuince · 25/11/2023 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Deleted as requested by the poster.

Which law? I think it was far too late and not on with them being asleep, but there isn't a law as far as I'm aware.

DaizyDee · 25/11/2023 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Deleted as requested by the poster.

AvengedQuince · 25/11/2023 18:13

OhDamnYourEyes · 25/11/2023 00:52

Thanks, Pumpkin. For context, the birthday was 5 mins away from our home in a safe area. But agree with other posters, it’s too young, it did make me feel uncomfortable and I therefore decided not to do it again until they are older.

Still too long for an 8 year old and too late for both. Two hours and home before 10pm would have been my hard limit.

VickyEadieofThigh · 25/11/2023 18:03

Why couldn't the friend come to YOUR house?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 25/11/2023 17:58

Peacheroo · 25/11/2023 15:24

It's not just leaving them alone but why they are being left. For example, today I wanted to go for a meal and few drinks in a pub. DD didn't want to come with us or go out with her friends, asking to be left alone. Even during the day (let's say 12-2) it's inappropriate to leave her for a few drinks. I might leave her while I go to Tesco for 40 mins or similar but not for me to go and have fun. She's 12. Leaving primary school age children at night for a birthday party shouldn't be a thought. Great that OP realised after that it was wrong but most of us know before hand. Her DH is a shit because he specifically said he wouldn't leave them and then did.

I think it would be fine to leave a 12 year old for a couple of hours in the day and don’t really see what difference it makes whether you are going somewhere for fun or the supermarket (unless distance from home related).

Snugglemonkey · 25/11/2023 17:52

Loubelle70 · 25/11/2023 01:07

Sorry OP. Ive got to unfollow thread. Its giving me panic attack!!!. What if those kids woke up... frightened no one was in?..omg. what if house was broken into whilst kids were alone... thinking dad was about?. Theyre asleep and there's a fire. No adult. I gotta go OP. Youve a problem...this means u cant leave husband with kids alone now...babysitter or nothing.

Yes, this is terrifying.

myotherkidisacassowary · 25/11/2023 16:56

You’re both supremely irresponsible

Appleofmyeye2023 · 25/11/2023 16:43

Beezknees · 25/11/2023 12:37

Essentially you're saying here that we all have complete control over all our emotions. If that were true, nobody would suffer with mental health issues.

It's seriously silly to expect a child to be able to deal with fear the same way as adults do. I see adult women post on here that they're afraid to be home alone at night without their DH and many posters think that's justified, but an 8 year old should be fine?

I’ve said what psychologists say. Emotions come from thoughts that come from sensory informations received into the brain. Emotions are processed in parts of the brain, like the Amygdala and 2 other key areas.. Have a read up on it .
how good we are at controlling our emotions, and how strong our emotions are as a result of experiences, is dependent on a huge number of factors. Experience, fear, genes, sleep etc etc. but we can learn to control unhelpful,or irrational emotions, or, use Medication to help control very distressing or disturbing emotions.

but irrational fear or perceived threat of being simply “ alone” is fixable. Unless it comes out of previous trauma- but even that is also often fixable with EMDR techniques etc

I do not see a grown woman being afraid of being on her own without their DH as remotely justified. it’s terrible. It’s a state of immaturity and dependency and any number of other unhealthy things. To get to that point as an adult does smack of NEGLECT from that women’s parents in perpetuating high levels of perceived threats while growing up.

And mental illness is not a result of the level of control we have over emotions. Or even caused by anything to do with emotions. Jeez, if it was that easy to fix we’d have been curing bipolar, schizophrenia, for decades by now. Unmanageable emotions are a symptom of mental illness not a cause . Don’t confuse correlation with cause.

Mommywomb · 25/11/2023 16:31

Rosscameasdoody · 25/11/2023 13:56

I suspect this will happen again and again as for them partying and drinking is much more important than their kids safety!

This is batshit !! Where in any of the OP’s posts does it suggest they're more interested in ‘partying’ than their childrens’ safety ? OP and her DH left them once for 2 hours, nearby and in contact by phone. Then decided they were too young to be left. OP went to a night out and left the children in her DH’s care. No, he shouldn’t have left them even if he was only local at a friends’ house - they’d already agreed to wait until the children were older. But two occasions hardly constitutes ‘partying’ !!

Sorry what were they doing both times?
working? Tending to an emergency?! Ffs!