Husband left kids alone at home

not telling them was even worse-why did he lie and go out anyway

I can’t believe you left them alone in the previous instance. That’s diabolical.

The NSPCC state:

'While every child is different, we wouldn't recommend leaving a child under 12 years old home alone, particularly for longer periods of time.

Children in primary school aged 6-12 are usually too young to walk home from school alone, babysit or cook for themselves without adult supervision.

If you need to leave them home, it's worth considering leaving them at a friend's house.'

We have only just started leaving my oldest for a bits this year and thats during the day with a phone and without his young siblings (who would be with us). Hes 15 (so probably 14 the first time we left him for a bit) and only because hes at that age where he no longer wants to tag along to the soft play and is almost an adult etc...

You are both unreasonable.

my kids are same age

I don’t think it’s totally irresponsible what you did before but wouldn’t do it myself. I was left at home a lot as a child but there’s a big difference leaving one responsible child vs leaving one responsible for the other but it depends on the kids, circs etc . Anyway you’ve realised that wasn’t a good idea so that’s good.

anyway your dp was an idiot for going out and not telling you.

This

What the hell?! It was okay to leave them when it was a party you wanted to go to (although you later, in hindsight thought they were too young... did you though?), but when your husband repeats the same behaviour, you kick off?!

This isn't okay behaviour FROM EITHER OF YOU.

The whole "it's a safe area" is bollocks, and "we were only 5 minutes away." Let me tell you, 5 minutes is a LONG ASS WAY when your house is on fire, or someone has broken in.

Because they are both as bad as each other and have form for leaving very young children home alone. As described in opening post.

Yup. Please leave OP alone now. She has posted in sincerity because she worried they were getting the balance wrong. I think most of us think they did a bit, especially the second instance. She’s making an effort to find the line in the sand - and it does differ depending on the combination of ages, personalities etc.

Someone upthread mentioned the McCann's, who thought it was perfectly acceptable to leave a toddler and two babies alone in an unfamiliar bedroom while they went out and got pissed up with friends. I wonder how many other occasions they had done this?

They were both seemingly well-educated intelligent people. They were dining and drinking with similarly intelligent and well-educated people. They paid a particularly heavy price for their decision, but as far as I'm aware, they were never charged with negligence or their remaining children removed.

The point is that while I think leaving children of 11 and 8 alone at night is completely and utterly unacceptable, there are obviously people in all walks of life who are willing to take the risk.

All I can say is I would never gamble with my children's safety for a few drinks.

Could the kids have gotten out of the house if they needed to? Or did he lock them in?

Waking up in an empty house would have been terrifying.

He was wrong to go out but the only trouble is that you had both done it before. You felt afterwards that it was a mistake and didn’t want to do it again until they were older but as nothing bad happened that time he’s decided that it was okay.

In fairness the circumstances were more suitable when OP left them ( awake, phone, limited timeframe and they at least KNEW). I still think it was too much for the 8 year old and too much responsibility for the 11 year old. I think OP felt it was right at the limits, but the second instance blows that out of the water. DH went much further.

That sounds equally fun and terrifying!

I was left at home from age 7 with only my 11 year sibling. I'm not sure how we're still alive from the stupid stuff we did including sliding diwn the stair on a tea tray. Would not recommend

I didn’t have to try leaving my young kids alone to realise it was wrong! I just knew.

OP’s DH is clearly worse than OP, but the fact that they both thought it was OK to leave the kids a couple of months ago, means it’s slightly hypocritical of the OP to turn on her husband now. Slack parenting all round.

Those years between 8 and 12 are huge developmentally. I think 12 years until 9pm is ok ( just)! But I think 8 is too young to ever be without an adult. The same difference in age between an 8 and a 12 year old is an 8 and a 4 year old! Those years change things a lot.

Wtf - YOU yourself left the kids alone?! This must be a joke?! And now you want to have a go at your husband, when just a few months ago you did it as well? This is insanity. Both of you are terrible. Sorry OP you don’t want to hear this and youre getting a lot of bashing on here - but you need to hear it. Fire in the house? What happens then? Burglary? What then. This post gives me anxiety. Think about this.

I don't know about it being a stoning, but certainly a consensus.

Look, it sounds like the kids are OK, so that's the main thing.

But I think people telling OP that they are too young to be left is OK as well-if there was a next time, the outcome could be very different.

I know from previous threads that I'm on the laxer side of this debate (through necessity, not for going out myself).

Mine are 10&12. They are left one evening a week while I'm at work (home 7.30), and 12yo is home until 9pm one night while I pick up her sister. Potentially another evening until 7pm.
12yo is not in charge... 10yo is responsible for herself. I didn't leave her until I knew she could be trusted by herself.

I work with 8yos. They panic and do irrational things... as do 10yos, but less likely. One of the things we do with the 8yos is teach them life skills like how to react in an emergency. A lot think its 911 not 999. They don't know their address even their house number in quite a few cases, let alone their post code.

They would probably be fine. It would probably be fine to leave your house unlocked all day or your keys in your car. Would you do that?

I think OP also mentioned they had both done it another time for a couple of hours. OP, I think 11 is approaching old enough to leave for short spaces of time during the day and if they are awake to exit house quickly etc. I would still leave a phone. But 8 is just too young and 11 is too young to have responsibility for anyone other than themself. So yes, your DH was unreasonable but chances are the water was a bit muddied by them having been left before. They are a few years off being able to be left, but for now I think that arrangement is a too much responsibility for an 11 year old. Anyway they are safe and it sounds as though you will wait a bit before doing it again.

I sympathise with you OP. It’s obvious you and your husband have different comfort levels about leaving the children alone.

You admit you left them alone to go to a party and in hindsight felt it was too young. Im going to assume your husband was part of that decision too and maybe put pressure on you to go.

About 20 years ago my husband and I went for lunch with some friends. We both had toddlers. I left after the lunch with my Dd and my husband stayed drinking.

I found out later that they had carried on drinking, and all three adults decided to go to the pub that night, which was 200 yards away. They left the toddler alone sleeping in his cot, used the baby monitor and took it in turns to go back to the house every 20 mins.

My husband was really surprised when I told him how irresponsible that was.

This thread has turned into a self-righteous public stoning of a mother who came here for support and advice. How is that constructive?

I agree.

Some posters are saying they left their kids to go to the shop or to pick up a young sibling - which is completely different.

Leaving your kids to teach independence is fine but it should be done in short bursts during the day, not whilst you go get drunk for hours.

I have a 16 year old and a 9 year old and have only just now started leaving them home alone together. Even then it's an hour or two where there's no other choice. Certainly not to go drinking and absolutely not at the ages of your children. It's astonishing to me that anyone could imagine it to be a reasonable decision to make. An 11 year old is nowhere near old enough to have that sort of responsibility