Single parents getting a hard time on here!

I agrée with urging caution with introducing new partners.

I object to how single parents are blamed for making bad choices in a partner. Sometimes it's true but sometimes men hide how nasty they are till they have their hooks in you eg you have their child. And you can't know how lazy a parent a man will be till you have kids either

@tescocreditcard

Um… can you read? The person I quoted literally said we shouldn’t date; that they wouldn’t date as a single parent because they’d be so proud to be raising children. So, it’s ok to focus on a maintaining a personal romantic relationship with your husband plus raise kids if you’re not a single parent, but if you’re single you should ONLY raise the kids because that’s rewarding enough.

I think each person must make their own choice. I do however think a year is too short.

In my mind you need to go really slowly with new relationships where DC are involved.

(Single parent - not in a relationship!)

@Thedm no one is saying that single parents shouldn't date.

A lot of people think that introducing little known men to children is a risk, thats what they're saying. Date away, I won't judge you!

So, why haven’t you divorced then? Why are you dating to spend any time in keeping your marriage going. I mean, what a waste those date nights are or any alone time with your husband. You should be spending that time concentrating on your children’s needs and being proud of giving up your own personal life to raise your kids.

Do you see how ridiculous that sounds? Single parents are no less in need of adult companionship than you are. They are no less worthy of adult attention, affection and intimacy than you are.

I very much hope you reflect on what you said, really reflect on it, and realise how stupid it was.

Yes I got called a bad pArent for saying I wouldn't be waiting a year to introduce a partner and I don't know anyone irl who has waited a year

Isn't there statistics that back up the idea that the biggest danger to your children is the (unrelated) boyfriend of their mother?

I think the issue is the frequency with which single parents are targetted and groomed by paeodophiles.

Take a look at this interview. It's about an undercover cop who infiltrated a paeodophile ring for 10 years. The most common method of gaining access to a child is to befriend that childs parent. The don't just groom the child, they groom the parent too

I don't think people are particularly unfair on single parents.

Having tried to merge a family, I can vouch for the difficulties and misery that it can cause and there are too many stories of newly arrived partners making children's lives hell or vice versa. You did well OP, but that doesn't mean it will work for others. And it is such a risk.

Since having DS, I have dated but away from the house. I can have a relationship without imposing that relationship on my child. DS is now 15 and I may date in the next year or two but I won't bring anyone home to the house until he's headed off to university or wherever. His security comes first. Another couple of years won't kill me. Nearly there. 🙂

This is exactly the kind of bullshit OP is talking about.

DCs Dad and I split up 14 years ago. Over the last 14 years (and the 5 I was a parent before then actually) my DC have come first. They've always been the most important thing in my life.

But I've also dated. Because I'm human and allowed a life. I'm also perfectly happy on my own and don't need a man/relationship.

This is pretty judgemental and the key word here is 'if...'

It is very lonely being a single parent even when you're rarely alone due to the DC. I did it for 10 years and yes, there were great highs but also some real lows - loneliness is a really insidious feeling.

I obviously adore my DC and they love me. I also love my friends dearly and they love me back but it is just not the same as hearing 'I love you' from someone who wants you in a romantic sense... its just not. I will never forget the first time my bf said it to me. Why do single parents not deserve that sort of relationship.

I do agree with the majority of pp's that women who introduce men to their children at the drop of a hat should rightly be pulled up on it - you can have a relationship without involving your DC from an early stage. But to imply that once you've had kids, you should just go it alone.. not fair at all!

@Winterday1991 I am a single parent. I can’t be bothered to date as I am quite happy being a parent and don’t ‘need’ anyone. However, just like anyone who seeks a relationship, single parents get lonely too and I don’t think it’s about pride in NOT dating… can’t you be proud and strong and have a relationship?

This!

Absolutely clueless aren't they?!

Hmmm...I've only really seen that type of judgement when posters say things like: "Been with my partner 8 weeks, we're really in love, he's great with my DDs - is it too soon to move in? The girls love him sooooo much"

I agree it's mainly well intentioned urging to caution. The exception being if the single mum is percieved to be young, has spelling or grammatical errors in her post and/or children with different fathers. Then it seems to be open season for judgement and disrespect.

Blended families very rarely work out, and they are never for the benefit of the children (whatever anyone tries to tell themselves). That’s what mn gets judgy about,

But adults can be selfish and tell themselves that they deserve to be happy and shouldn’t be held back just because they’ve had children, so they convince themselves that their blended families are working well despite their children being unhappy. Step parents have very little benefit for children, even the good ones.*

Yep, agreed.

You don't have to spend much time on Mumsnet to find the threads in which blending families hasn't gone well at all.

Taking a relationship very slowly when you have existing children is sound advice.

I know so many people who were abused by their stepfather's. It seems to be the most common relative to abuse a child. There's also nonces who go on sites such as tinder looking for accounts that mention having children with sick intentions.
So yeah I think you are being unreasonable and people are right to urge single mothers to be cautious about dating

I became a single parent when kids were toddlers. They are now teens. I've been with my partner for 8 years and we will live together in about another 8 when the kids have hopefully moved out or are independent adults. Their dad moved in with ow almost immediately. He would say it's a great blended family with her children too. My kids say different but don't want to upset him or rock the boat. I see dp when kids are with their dad eow and occasionally in the evening through the week. They've met obviously, but we don't spend lots of time together, go for meals or anything. It's separate. I like that it is. I'm sure it can work with the exact right mix of personalities and parenting styles but it seems fraught with huge challenges and it's just not worth it. "living apart together" has lots of benefits outwith parenting.

Sorry but as a lone/single parent I've never come across this. What I do see a lot of is good sensible advice on when and how to introduce new partners admittedly there's always a couple of loons who get drowned out by the sensible majority

I haven’t seen this myself so can’t comment on this aspect.

My friend left her unhappy relationship and about 2 years later when her dc were early teens she met another man. Her dc saw their dad every other weekend on a Saturday overnight so that was my friends time to spend with her boyfriend or go out socialising with other friends etc without a babysitter which, as a single parent with a lowlife ex who avoided paying for his own kids, she could rarely afford to pay for.
Because she was only meeting up with him every other weekend for one evening, by the time they had been seeing each other for a year they’d really only spent about 12 days in each others company (she also used some of her free nights to meet up with us).
For this reason he had never met her kids. She didn’t know him well enough to introduce them all. They continued going out for another year or so and called it quits. They both had had a good time but it wasn’t really going anywhere. I think she was right to keep it away from her dc. They struggled enough with their dad leaving. It would have been more hard stuff to go through if they were introduced to a string of men who were in their lives for short periods of time, maybe even living with them.

I’m not a single parent but my mum was for periods of time when I was a kid. I have about 5 stepdads that I can remember. Blokes that my mum met, who moved in with us for a year or 2 and then left. Fucking horrible. The men themselves were all really lovely, the horrible bit was that they left and we never saw them again.

There have been many tragic cases in the news over the past few years that show why people are so wary about this.

I've been there. I've introduced my child to two partners (one of which is now my dh). I was very careful about it both times, waited a long time, met on neutral ground before coming into our home.

When the first relationship broke down dc was very upset. It gets messy emotionally. There are a lot of reasons why you need to be sure before you introduce a partner not just the safety aspect.

I can't judge as I've done it myself but I can see why people are judgemental and sensitive over it.

I.think it depends I have seen a few threads where kids have been introduced to.new " partners " ridiculously quickly like a couple of weeks and posters urging caution
But then again other threads where posters say new" partners" shouldn't be introduced for years
I think there can be a happy medium.

Mumsnetters rightly warn single parents about the dangers of introducing new bf/gf early on because most of us have witnessed what happens when it goes wrong.

Other than that I think MN is supportive of single parents.

You only have to visit the Step-parents topic to see how often blending early causes problems.