Single parents getting a hard time on here!

For me I’ll be honest it’s hard to understand the decision making process of someone who decided to have a child with someone they were not fully committed to, or have only been in a relationship with for five minutes, then the inevitable happens where the child is left with parents who are not in a relationship anymore and ferried between houses and introduced to a plethora of different partners. I’ve seen it in my own family and I don’t think it’s a healthy way to raise a child. It’s not the ideal situation.

That’s of course is just one scenario, it just happens to be the same old story I see happening time and time again. I do know there are many and varied reasons as to why a parent might be single and might have nothing to do with poor life choices though. Infidelity, bereavement, health issues, mutual break up after being in a long term relationship etc etc

I get what people are saying about single parents and it's perhaps not a great idea to date.

Having come out the other side of it and my children are nearly adults now I have done it all myself.

People are so rude though. I've had so many comments about "why did you have kids with someone abusive"
He wasn't abusive before we had the kids.

One example that has stuck with me-
I've went to a wedding in a really difficult to get to place on my own. Someone in my friendship group lives 10 minutes away from me. Her and her husband drove separately and wouldn't share lifts. Small things like that are so selfish. There doesn't seem to be any sort of acknowledgment that most of the time it's fine being single parents but very occasionally it would be nice to give them a hand rather than judgement. That same person also made a very unkind comment when talking about scans. She said "I took my toddler with me to my baby scan with my husband" there was a sign up saying no young children allowed but they didn't mean me. They new single parents bringing in loads of screaming kids.
All of that behaviour was very unkind. Single parent due to dad's violence. No I didn't know before hand. No my kids weren't screaming brats. They were and are lovely boys. I've always worked full time, I've put relationships to the back burner although I now have someone I see twice a week but not at my house.

Literally there is nothing more that I could have done but I have still been heavily judged.

I think it's unsafe mums moving random men in but maybe it should be the culture to help single mums rather than shame them. They might not be so desperate for a bf then because they need a bit of help.

An occasional lift to a wedding would have meant the world to me and I would have paid petrol etc.

I remember posting having introduced my children (as part of a bigger family group setting) after 9 months together (and having dated for a year before that historically). I got completely slated for being a terrible parent when actually i didnt bring my partner to live with us, he was never staying over either. I was effectively lumped into the group where people are introducing people all the time.

I left an abusive relationship for my children and was single for 7 years. I thought very carefully about introducing my then partner to my children and one reasoning was i wanted to also show my children that if they ever were to leave something abusive, they could also have a new start as well. In my children's class, there are a few separated couples but new partners all live with them.

I think mumsnet can be extremely nasty and viperish

I don't see single parents in general getting a hard time at all.

Just those who introduce their kids very early, or hop from one relationship to another while involving their kids.

I know a lot of adults whose childhoods were ruined by this sort of thing, and they find it hard to bond with or trust people.

forgot to add that obviously I know a younger child can’t speak up against abuse but that that is an example of other things we do for our kids to help reduce risks, because we can’t eradicate all risks.

meant to quote from didimum

“'100 more likely to be abused' isn't 'likely to be abused' though.”

Thank you for this. I was going say the same.

Not at all diminishing how awful that stat is. It is absolutely relevant.

But there are risks in everything we expose our children to. It is up to us to do the due diligence to minimise those risk, not to stop living “just in case”.

Same as we teach our kids to cross the road, or allow them to drive, despite the risks from other errant drivers. We don’t keep them off the roads.

Kids should be taught about privacy, speaking up and other measures to safeguard against ALL potential abuse.

Saying that they should never have a step-father and their mothers should be alone for (potentially) 18 or more years isn’t the only answer. Millions and millions of people have step parents.

Are they getting a hard time? Or just being urged to be cautious after the thousands of cases of stepfather's abusing their children?

It's almost like the safety of kids is more important than whether or not an adult feels they're getting a "hard time" 🙄

'100 more likely to be abused' isn't 'likely to be abused' though.

Stepfather figures are the number one perosn most likely to abuse a child. Plus if people introduce too quickly there was a poster recently who had introduced their BF after 4 weeks it’s unfair if the child becomes attached, especially if too young to fully process that Mummy and X are no longer friends.

I have a lovely DH but as in real life they are so thin on the ground it seems smug to post or talk about it. Everyone seems to be divorcing that I know currently.

I can only assume you don't follow current affairs or watch the news @SoOverThisAgain. Your children are obviously fortunate. They haven't been abused or murdered by your partner.

You got lucky.

Children are far more likely to be abused by a step dad figure as they often target single parents and have easy access to the children.

Often if boys are involved there is a lot of posturing for position in the teen years from boy and male regardless of how long the man has been in his life

If girls are involved they often feel uncomfortable moving around the house after a shower / in their PJs etc.

Obviously this isn't the case for every family but dating and living apart is far better for all involved until the children are old enough to make their own housing decisions.

And I say that as a single mum since DDs birth for the last 15 years. I was far too busy focussing on the two of us, retraining, doing a OU degree, shuttling DD around to activities to date let alone successfully balance a full blown relationship.

I used to work in a Secondary school and almost unilaterally the children lived with mum and they preferred their home space to be just that. Perhaps unjustly they were happier with dad's new partner but that was largely because they saw that as visiting rather than home.

No this is true
it was just in answer to OP feeling that single parents get a hard time about introducing partners.

yes they will if they post about it not going well and their kids not being happy

But let's be fair, it wouldn't be a very interesting if the people with good, healthy relationships started posting.

Similarly, the posts about husbands, friends and family are always negative ones.

Well generally they are on here talking about it because it’s not working out very well

Google the Cinderella effect. The child is 100 times is more likely to be abused by a step parent than by biological parent. So before giving in to your 'urges' , ask yourself - is it worth putting my child at risk?

I think what people miss here is that we, as parents, make many decisions that may impact our kids lives in a way that could be perceived as having a negative impact on them. Moving house and moving out of their school area is one example. And then, of course, there’s divorce!

I absolutely agree there is diligence and consideration needed, but to say a single mother (who may have been single her child’s whole life) shouldn’t have a chance to start over and to potentially have another relationship, is very sad.

I adore my step father and had a very happy childhood. I trust myself to bring someone into my sons’ lives who would add value, the same way I trust myself with all the decisions I make in their lives.

I have been single 7 years and am currently not looking but I’d very happy if I met someone and am certainly hopeful that I will.

I’m in two minds about this as I can’t imagine how lonely being a single parent is and how you must long for intimacy and companionship, or just downright fun. It’s unreasonable to expect anyone to be a nun for a decade.

However I do also tend to believe that new relationships do, by and large, cause detriment to the children. I think it’s very rare indeed that a step parent or boyfriend enters the scene who is a true light in the children’s lives that they were otherwise lacking. In most cases I think it’s awkward, upsetting and unsettling, which is really tough on a young person who has already, most likely, had to cope with the loss of their family unit.

It’s a tricky one.

I haven't read the full thread (not sure I dare...) but I was going to start the exact same topic here today.

Thing is, and speaking as a single parent who has had to deal with this scenario: the risk of introducing a partner before you are sure he can be trusted with both you and your kids is huge and justifies the robust warnings.

On balance I would far prefer for some people to feel mildly uncomfortable or a bit offended and apply much greater scrutiny and caution to a new relationship as a result than for an abusive, neglectful or uncommitted bloke to be introduced into a household.

There are good reasons to be cautious and apprehensive and people who don’t apply this are not doing adequate due diligence.

And these are the same posters who will quite rightly encourage a woman who posts about her abusive husband, to leave with the kids and to go it alone...... In other words, to become a single parent!!!

Yep! It's as though they think all of us have chosen this. Totally forgetting that widowed parents are single parents too and very tragically & sadly, this can happen to families of any age, young or old, wealthy or poor.

Yet it's always assumed that any younger and lower income single parent, is so by choice! That she's had a one night stand, got pregnant to get a council house and benefits (that old chestnut!) when that almost certainly wasn't the case for all but what I think is a very small number of cases.

Again, I note the zombie thread but interesting one. I've been seeing a man for a decade. My kids have met him and he's done loads for them in tech support and DIY mainly but he is in no way a significant part of their lives. We don't and won't cohabit and I get all the adult companionship I need from him, friends and colleagues without compromising my parenting. If we split up there'd be no fallout on them. It's possible to do both. I don't really recognise the accusation that sp are treated badly in here...yes they are criticised if you're complaining about issues with a new man less than a year in but rightly so. On the whole I've found this place and absolute lifeline as a SP..mi get a fair bit of my daily adult interaction from Mumsnet!

Zombie thread but completely agree here, single parents are spoken to terribly on mumsnet!

@Winterday1991 have you or are you a single parent? If not, how do you know what you'd do? You can be proud to be a parent and have a love life as well, just as you can be many things and still be a good parent.