Single parents getting a hard time on here!

It's not single mums getting a hard time. It's single mums who:

Introduce a new 'partner' (boyfriend) within a short period.
Move in with a partner very soon, giving up their independence.
Let a partner move in with them too soon; a strange man in the house is about the most dangerous thing you can do to kids.
Put partners' needs above kids' needs.
Put up with abusive or shitty behaviour in order to have a partner.
Become the house elf for said partners' children at the expense of hers.
Let said partner 'parent' her children in a crap way.
Let said partner fall out with (typically) the eldest boy once he becomes a teenager (like a blinking lion pride). Or the eldest girl once she has opinions and her own mind.
Have a new baby and act like that is the important child.
Treat the different children differently.
Prioritise anyone but the existing children.

Avoid those, and almost all my single parent friends have, great!

But if you can't avoid those, don't date.

I don't think many children are overjoyed at having to share their home and parent with a stranger. It might be easier when they are younger and more accepting. Single parents will want connection, as much as anyone, but I think the relationship will need to take place outside the home and not be foisted on children. I do think step-parents lack the genetic bond to put their stepchildren first, and definitely not when they have children of their own.

I am with you. There are quite a lot of threads so short minded and judgemental that are difficult to read, my guess is that many of the people that post have no experience of raising kids alone and are doing a lot of arm chair parenting based on a handful of gory news.

One aspect I find unfair is that there are more women putting their children in danger by staying with an abusive husband or long term partner but they don’t get the stigma lone parents do. It is often assumed that lone parents are bad parents even when a lone parent is the parent who was left “holding the baby” and most likely the only one putting her children first by providing the lion’s share of care and sustainance.

Another aspect to consider is that, putting widows aside, who are raising kids alone due to circumstances outside their control, the vast majority of lone parents are women who had the courage and determination to leave a bad relationship so we .should be giving more credit to their intellect rather than assuming that them rebuilding their lives will result in a child getting abused and murdered down the line.

As long as they are loved & well looked after?! That’s a basic isn’t it? What about what they do & don’t want and their happiness, does that not matter?

What, your experience of foisting a stepfather on your child leading to a messy break up and him being "very upset" before doing it all over again? Thank you for proving my point.

The most dangerous person in a child's life is likely mom's bf.

I lived that. I also saw it in my career.

Sure, step parenting and blending families can work. But when it doesn't, the kids pay the consequences for the rest of their lives.

I'm a fan of delaying dating, moving very slowly and not introducing children until the relationship appears like it will be long term, not joining households until it's shown all the kids and adults get along well and are compatible, and the new partner should not be disciplining the children of the other partner.

Don't be terrified. MN has extremist opinions on many things, this is one of them.

All of this 'strong, independent women who have pride in themselves' narrative is just another tactic people use to belittle one another and make themselves feel superior. Similarly those who have no experience of being single because their family unit is soooo perfect are probably naively unaware that any circumstance can change at any time and they may find themselves in situations they never expected.

As long as your children are always your first priority and they are loved, well looked after and introduced thoughtfully and appropriately to any man you may meet in the future, there is nothing wrong with it. Blended families are families. I was part of one growing up and my son has a stepdad now. I was and still am very happy with my lot.

@Petra42 sorry to hear you have had that experience. You have kept the children safe and done the right thing.

@SereneFish are you usually so arrogant as to suggest your personal opinion is 'truth'? It certainly isn't my experience.

To be honest, as a lone parent this site has terrified me as to the idea of dating again now I have a child.

@winterday1991 I know I'm strong, I spend ALL my time either at work or looking after ds. I have a hobby and friends and a full life. I know I don't NEED a man. But it would be really nice to meet someone and have that romantic love in my life the way all my friends and family have in theirs. Why as a lone parent do you think I don't deserve that?

This is quite simply the worst example of anything I’ve seen on here🤣 embarrassed for you!

Absolutely this👏

Meeting the children & being forced to live with him are miles apart. And that’s what my plan would be should I meet someone amazing. I would happily introduce my DD too like you’ve done (after a long period) but I’m referring to the threads of ‘my dd doesn’t like my DP’ AFTER moving him in to their child’s home. The poor children get lumbered with some unrelated male that they haven’t chosen invading & changing the dynamic of what should be their total safe space.

I think it’s wrong.

In that case why don't all married women divorce so they can " take pride and be strong on their own"

Total nonsense comment

I’m a single parent, and I’m not looking to introduce anybody to DC (19/9/2) any time in the near or distant future. I wouldn’t find time to meet anybody never mind try and fit them into my mad house 🤣 Although it can be lonely in the evenings I fill my time doing things I enjoy and lots of self care. I say each to their own, of course there are risks inviting a new man into a family home. So I would just say be cautious and don’t rush anything to those single parents out there who are dating 🙂 maybe I’ll get a cat or a few ?! 🤣

I was talking about people who procreate without a second thought.

If you actually read my post I do say that is one scenario out of many possible ones, it’s just happens to be the most common one from my perspective.

Contraception is something like 99% effective so most people in my opinion just lie out their arse when it comes to saying ‘the condom broke’ or ‘I was on the pill’. Stop lying and just say you didn’t use contraception or that you wanted to get pregnant.

An unpalatable truth.

@StarDolphins i guess it depends who says how long it should be - my DP never stays over but he has met my children now after 8 months, though we were together for a year beforehand but they never met. I have no plans to move him in or have more children. I just felt he was important in my life and i wanted him to meet my children.

Nothing like a bit of ignorant generalisation

@Daisy12Maisie similar story here - my ex and i had the children and then it all came out with abuse and i left when mine were toddlers to break the cycle. Yet im told i made the decision to have children with the psycho ex and all the blame is left on me. No mention of leaving to help the children have a better life, working full time to support them etc - just nasty comments about dating and that i should be suffering forevermore!

In the interest of honesty, yes I do judge single parents for introducing their new man to their kids too soon. My opinion is that kids safety & happiness should come first before my happiness. That doesn’t mean don’t date, it means keep it separate for a long time.

Time & time again, I see (on here & irl) kids being forced to quickly live with another man other than their dad, just because mum ‘shouldn’t be expected to stay single forever’.

Life isn't THAT unpredictable. It's quite possible to control our own reproduction and to wait for optimal circumstances.

I only see sympathy for single parents and recognition of how hard it is to raise children alone.

It's heartening to also see widespread and growing recognition that blended families don't work and children shouldn't be subjected to them.

This is such a simplistic view. I doubt there are many people who have children with the intention of becoming a single parent. Contraception fails. People change. It's not about not being committed. Life is unpredictable, nobody knows what's around the corner even those who think they are in 'perfect' family units.

Those who do procreate without a second thought are idiots. But I don't think they are in the majority at all.

To be honest, I had a wonderful stepdad. He was a great support to me and my mum and without him I wouldn't have had anywhere near as much love, opportunities and protection in my childhood and early adulthood. Yes we argued a lot, especially when I was a teenager but I knew he genuinely loved me and was an amazing grandad to my dc too. Sadly he passed away in 2018 and I miss him everyday.

Similarly my son's life would not be as good without my Dh who isn't his bio dad. He wouldn't have the nice house we live in, financial security, his siblings! Again, they row at times because that happens in all families but I really don't buy into this narrative that all children who have stepparents are somehow disadvantaged and emotionally damaged because of it. Quite the opposite in my experience.

Not every story is a horror story. We just hear more about them.

And I know there are a lot of feckless people who introduce new partners to children far too quickly before they really know anything about them. But the suggestion that all single parents should remain single until their children have moved out is quite ridiculous. Providing people are sensible and always prioritise their dc, there's nothing wrong with it.

MN hates blended families though 🤷🏻‍♀️