AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

Yes, this is the downside of the (very true) point that not all disabilities are visible. Clearly you can’t presume/ask people.

I meant more when people have said ‘X told me they would just nip In because they were only going to be a minute’ etc- a situation where everyone knows the person using the space doesn’t need it, the person makes it clear that they aren’t entitled to it really, and everyone tuts-

I just wonder if anyone would take it further and do the complaining to staff thing that they would all do if a boy was in the female space.

I think your position is quite inconsistent here.

You'd have no issue with women and girls pointing out that your son was too old to be in a female only space but you'd still use it rather than put your son through harm and distress?

@sollenwir

I have made very clear that following reading this thread and once my son turns 9, I will be checking in advance of attending anywhere that disability arrangements are in place.

So we should never be in a female changing room.

If and I say if there were all disabled spaces and family spaces blocked and I couldn’t get a hold of management I might ask any ladies in the ladies change if they minded supporting me with a difficult situation by letting him change if he was still near the cut off age.

But the likelihood of that ever happening, particularly now when I’m forewarned is slim to none.

Yes my issue would be with management not providing sufficient accessible spaces.

I would have no issue with women correctly pointing out that my son is too old to be in a female only space, because I’d be in agreement with them.

But I’m not going to have my son put through harm or distress on account of that.

I really think it’s unfair to conflate trans issues with disabled peoples issues.

I am always wary of assuming whether or not someone has a disability as some can be more hidden than others, and I wouldn't want to make the person feel they had to explain themselves to me - unfortunately there are people who take advantage of this though, when their only disability is lack of understanding/compassion for those with extra needs.

@sollenwir for failing to provide an accessible space/enough accessible space

Out of interest, not just @sollenwir but anyone- if you had observed that people who were not entitled to use the accessible space were using the accessible changing space, but it didn’t directly affect you because no one had taken a boy into the female space- would you still go and complain or raise it with the people in question?

There are always a lot of people who say ‘I told someone with a baby not to use the accessible loo’ or similar things on these threads, but none that say they raised it with the venue (unless they were directly affected).

Legal action on the basis of what exactly?
If it's for failing to provide an accessible space/enough accessible spacer, then yes, you may well have a point.
If it's for failing to let you take your male child into a female only area, then no, you have no valid point.

You are knowingly taking a male into an area which is for the exclusive use of females (and younger males as an exception). Your male child has no right to be there. You cannot turn this area into the area you need.

When that teenage girl plucked up the courage to say it was a female only space, the OP explained that she believed she and her autistic son were more important. That was a teenage girl saying, "hi, these are my boundaries" and the response was, "your boundaries aren't important". That will make it even more difficult for her to speak up the next time.

Very well put @MargotBamborough

And then we have a whole lot of other posters saying they are putting themselves or their children first.

So, in a case like this, who IS more important? I wish PPs who say their DC are more important than other people's DCs would admit this:

that they consider the comfort of a young teenage girl to be less important than their boy's comfort.

It's not my priority, it's the priority of any females over males in an female only communal area.

Your child isn't allowed in there, he is the wrong sex and is too old.
He could also be causing other female children to 'suffer' because of his presence.

Demand the proper accessible facilities instead of telling females that they have no say regarding you bringing a male child into their space, a space which he has no right of access to.

@Robinni

@sollenwirwhat I mean is the relentless head banging no males allowed no males allowed no males allowed on this thread. If someone came up to me and started parroting that whenever I was dealing with a 9yo disabled child… frankly I wouldn’t have it.

While I can hear your frustration, frankly, you would have no choice but to 'have it' because you are actually the one breaking the rules.

Again, I would not interrupt you in that moment but would take it up with whoever is in charge, pointing out the abuse of the rules regarding males in female spaces - the facility not providing the space you need (accessible and unisex but also private) does not allow you to take someone else's space (females only) for you/your son.

I also have no issue with those who do think speaking at the time is appropriate, because they have their own voice.

I would have no option but to leave @PuttingDownRoots

But then the leisure centre would be facing legal action.

@sollenwir

I appreciate your priority really I do.

But equally I am not going to have a child under the age of 10 suffering.

(Aimed at recent posters not OP)

You walk into the changing room where a group of preteen girls are in the process of changing. They/their parents object.

Would you stay or leave?

You cannot 'dictate' anything to management though, that's the point you seem to be missing. You cannot force them to accept you taking a male into a communal female only changing area, no matter how much you quote 'discrimination' at them. You are also actually asking them to discriminate against other people, by allowing you to break rules. We all want accessible spaces for folk in your situation, but you don't get them by taking space away from others.

(Aimed at recent posters not OP)

You walk into the changing room where a group of preteen girls are in the process of changing. They/their parents object.

Would you stay or leave?

@FarEast

The teenage girl is capable of waiting a few minutes if she is uncomfortable.

The disabled child is not.

That’s the difference.

Like a disabled person needs a wheelchair and an able bodied can walk.

@sollenwir

Whatever anyone says to management is really beyond my remit to care about.

If placed in this position I would be giving off reams about it and dictating equality law to management.

So I can assure you I would never be placed in that position in that place again.

I think you’re confusing people who would abuse women’s spaces and routinely take in older boys and people who would be forced to use them in an emergency context such as the child needing to go to the bathroom or being blocked from all other available change space where a carer could be present.

When that teenage girl plucked up the courage to say it was a female only space, the OP explained that she believed she and her autistic son were more important. That was a teenage girl saying, "hi, these are my boundaries" and the response was, "your boundaries aren't important". That will make it even more difficult for her to speak up the next time.

Very well put @MargotBamborough

And then we have a whole lot of other posters saying they are putting themselves or their children first.

So, in a case like this, who IS more important? I wish PPs who say their DC are more important than other people's DCs would admit this:

that they consider the comfort of a young teenage girl to be less important than their boy's comfort.

If placed in this position I would be giving off reams about it and dictating equality law to management.

But your issue here should be with management not providing sufficient accessible spaces, not with women correctly pointing out that your son is too old to be in a female only space.

Just like women who don't feel able to share changing spaces with trans women should be putting pressure on management to provide single sex spaces, not using accessible spaces so that disabled people then can't use them.

Right, so what will you do differently when your son is 11 and now three years above the upper age limit for using a female only space, not two?