AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

The pool that my children have lessons in don't allow boys over 7 in the female changing rooms.

I think generally that's about right for communal changing areas.

Maybe email the pool about the issue. They could consider making family rooms disability only, for those with an opposite sex child 8 or over for example, so they aren't constantly occupied by families that could use the group change.

YABU but I sympathise

I've been directed to use changing rooms for additional needs for my asd son who cannot be unsupervised when changing. Definitely check with the pool over their policy - it's often 8 or 9 that children are expected to change independently. It is worth getting a radar key if the facilities are controlled in this way. We have the choice of a discrete room (though it is accessed through the ladies entrance 🙄) with a radar key or a poolside room, i prefer to not use the poolside room as it is results in a gallery of spectators watching you go in and come out like it's some sort of show.

Our pool have an age limit of 8 which I completely understand but it’s already worrying me a bit- there are only female and male group change, no individual cubicles.

He’s nowhere near the age of having to change without me yet, but I can’t see myself feeling comfortable with him being in a publicly accessible changing room with unknown adult males, without me, at the age of 8. I think we’ll just have to only swim when his Dad can come with us when we reach that point.

I think in your situation I’d speak to the gym staff and maybe ask what they’d suggest to accommodate your DS’s needs best whilst keeping everyone comfortable.

As a practical suggestion, I normally get out of the pool 10/15 minutes before the session finishes so that I dont have to wait. Might help you get a changing room faster.

Yes you were unreasonable. Your son doesn't trump young teenage girls, but I assume you've taken it onboard and it looks there's a few helpful suggestions on how you can navigate the situation next time.

Are you a teenage or pre-teen girl? 🙄

I understand your dilemma but it's not appropriate to have a 9yo boy in female-only space.

I've been in this situation, as the mother of girls trying to use the female changing room, whilst a woman with a boy aged similarly to yours and a younger one were in there. The older boy was dressed.

My older girl (about 11 at the time) refused to get out of the shower while he was there. Another girl, with a swim club, was sat uncomfortably and wouldn't get into her costume until he'd gone.

I asked the mother if he could wait outside and she got arsey with me, but left promptly. The centre manager re-emphasised by email circulation subsequently that children over 8 need to use the appropriate changing room by sex.

I understand that your child has additional needs, but you prioritised his and your comfort and needs over those of the girls using the space. Good on that teenager for speaking up.

You should have waited for an accessible changing room to become free if he can’t manage on his own.

ds is 14 with complex needs. After the age of about 6 I stopped taking him into the ladies toilets/changing. As much as he doesn’t care he is still entitled to dignity and privacy and so are the women using the facilities. He still needs supervision and help now but understands he doesn’t go in the women’s because he has learnt that over the years

A towel poncho is a good idea. Just to get wet things off and pull on something easy like joggers and hoodie to get home.

Probably the more practical option is mot to swim with the dc. Put swimwear on at home, onezies over the top.

Sit with one dc and watch the others lesson from the side then they can just de-Oodie and go to the pool for their own lesson. Then, while dc2 has their lesson go get dc1 changed. Then when dc2 is finished, you get them changed. No need to get yourself changed.

I used 14 in my response to OP, She just said teenage. I think I just envisaged the situation from someone around the 14/15yo Mark, and that ended up in my text. But the girl could be anywhere 13-19. Not that it matters. She was right to call it out.

I’m on the fence but it sounds like such a faff helping two children get washed dried and dressed, especially if you’re in a group change, it’s super busy, trying to be quick and protect their modesty. Assuming you drive home, I would opt for big towelling ponchos over them both, towelling type joggers and slip on shoes and just get them home asap.

Could you have squeezed into an individual room?

Hmmm but you’re not a teenage girl. I imagine she gets leered at at school everyday - she may not want a boy anywhere near her while she’s getting changed in her leisure time as well!

You should have waited. I understand it’s difficult, but girls and women deserve privacy.

Most pools changing rooms have a limit of age 8 for children of the opposite sex and it makes sense.

Puberty hitting soon and making the people of that sex uncomfortable with a now bigger child in their area.

Neither of my daughters would want a boy of 9 seeing them in the open changing areas changing.

I think you should've waited in the queue personally. I completely understand it feels rubbish to queue when you're looking after children with additional needs, but 9 feels just a tad too old. I would imagine a 9 year old girl would feel uncomfortable having a male peer see her naked.

How do you no she was 14?

I think the problem here is that the accessible rooms double as the family change.

More families need to be directed to the communal rooms to allow those who cannot access the single sex rooms a suitable facility

You were not the 14 year old girl in that situation though.

I would ask the pool what their policy is and what facilities might be available for those with additional needs, most places require children over a certain age to use individual changing cubicles or the relevant female / male changing. I don’t think it’s appropriate for a 9yr old boy to be in an open plan female changing area, particularly when there’s teenage girls using it.

I think you should have waited for the family changing to be available. That's really unfair to young girls who need to use the female space.