AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

They can also kick up big stinks when asked to do something they find humiliating.

I work with 9yos. The boys are just as vocal as the girls about not wanting to share facilities with each other.

@itsdark Of course you did🤣

Clearly I mean feelings....not eelings.

(To late to edit .... if only I hadn't edited it once to start with).

I'm thinking of your typical 9 year old boy, most of who wouldn't want to be seen dead in the women's anyway, and who would certainly kick up a fuss next time their mother tried to take them in there, once someone has commented on it.
Most 9 year olds have very little agency and just do what they’re told.

What?
Being a parent doesn't give you the right to break rules or dismiss other people's eelings.

I was at the theatre once and went into the toilets. There was an elderly man in their helping his elderly disabled wife use the toilet. I found this quite understandable and would have thought it heartless for anyone to not understand that situation. Some facilities are older and don't have good accessible spaces. It was sweet but sad to see.

Well, if your son is not NT, then I'd have sympathy and probably just try to give you an encouraging smile, but the centre does need to make accommodations for a child that age as it's starting to push what other people would accept. I'm thinking of your typical 9 year old boy, most of who wouldn't want to be seen dead in the women's anyway, and who would certainly kick up a fuss next time their mother tried to take them in there, once someone has commented on it. My DD wouldn't be at all intimidating, she just is very autistically straight forward and sometimes doesn't realise how it comes across. She doesn't mean any harm but her harmless comment, made to me, would definitely hurt the male pride of any NT 9 year old boy. At that age their sense of maleness is well developed and they don't want to be treated like a young kid.

No worries about me getting push back from other mothers. I usually find that other people are more likely to speak up before I do, which just validates the thoughts I've been having. I do draw the line at 12 year olds in there though and will get management involved to sort that out.

I'm sorry you've felt unwanted and that shouldn't happen. It wouldn't happen in any of the sports facilities near where I am because they've all come up with good solutions, usually when they've renovated the changing areas. That's how it should be for everyone.

Honestly @itsdark I don’t think at 9 my child would have been intimidated by your daughter. He may have registered her tone but his verbal communication wouldn’t have been sophisticated enough. We have of course been “not wanted” in a myriad of places. Not everyone is very evolved and some people have very poor manners. (I’m not trying to imply that’s how you are.). What I’m trying to say is that our experience of being out and about often includes people trying to make us not want to use public facilities. Ds very rarely notices, and I’m grateful for that.
I do agree that you might receive a fair amount of pushback from other mothers, but I suppose that’s hard to judge in a hypothetical situation, you might meet with a likeminded crowd.

I have no need to (and why do you assume it's a confrontation and aggressive. Weird assumption. There are other ways to communicate). I wouldn't have to say anything because I know my daughter will say something audible to me that the kid will hear. That will have all the impact necessary. I did once tell the staff about a woman who had a boy with her about 12. They told the mother to leave, she refused and got banned from the facility.

It's not going to be an issue where I swim. We have three general change rooms - one for women, one for men, and one mixed sex. No-one can claim they aren't catered to.

@itsdark Do you often approach young boys in public change rooms?
It’s one way to guarantee the kid never goes into a change room on their own.

I would like to know how you think aggressively confronting a child in a room full of mothers would play out? Good luck with that.

@JustKeepSwimmingAlong Just remember mumsnet isn’t actually real life. The world is not set up for mums. If a teenager approaches you about your son being in the change room, you have to remember the girl has no experience of being a parent and navigating public spaces. Just be polite and explain there weren’t any family rooms available and you need to get your kids changed. Apologise and say you won’t be long, and let her know she can use a toilet cubicle if she doesn’t want to wait for you to leave. The girl will likely find another family with boys getting changed in there once you leave. It’s annoying because there should be somewhere for everyone, but there isn’t. My two local swimmers centre’s don’t have many options, one only has men’s and women’s, the other has the men’s women’s and two family rooms that are always busy after swimming lessons. No one is going to stand around and wait with cold kids shivering, and there are always boys in the women’s change rooms. I have never heard someone have a problem with a 10 year old boy going into female change rooms in real life, so take all the replies with a grain of salt.

@Robinni Give it a bloody rest now. You are so obsessively over invested in this thread it is becoming uncomfortable. People have a different opinion to you. Get over it. Even OP has stated they wouldn’t do this again because they understand it not appropriate.

I remember being in year 3 when we started to use separate changing rooms as well.

@Heresapickle well the last time was our local leisure centre but was a few years ago. They were disabled toilet-less in that part of the building. But it’s happened in multiple places over the years. I don’t ask anymore as we just get on with things.

I know how my autistic teenage daughter would proceed. I can tell you my autistic daughter would not be subtle or see anything offensive in what she is saying when she queries the presence of the boy to me, but it will probably be blunt enough to ensure no older male child will go willingly with his mother into a women's room again. I could shut it down, after she'd already made her statement and, if she was uncomfortable, we'd sit on the bench and wait till they'd left. It can only be uncomfortable to have someone sitting there waiting for them nearby.

What age do they split girls /boys changing for pe at school?
We were separated from year 3, so age 7.

There are ways it could work but we’d need a cubical with a secure waiting area. It’s limiting and embarrassing to explain to people really. To be honest much of our life is, and we muddle on.

Told by whom?

What age do they split girls /boys changing for pe at school?

I don't think it's appropriate for a 9yo boy to be in the girls changing room. Yes a pain to wait but hey ho. My son is a wheelchair user and I'd have to wait for the accessible room. Why shouldn't you?

I’m just reporting what you are told to do not defending it. I assume it’s the same for M carers.

Does not justify making women’s spaces accessible to all.

OMG

Please read my previous posts regarding autistics, queuing and why this could be problematic for OP.

That is clearly far from ideal - is there any set up which would work for you?

What? So husbands who are care for their wife are ‘expected’ to use the female toilets?! Says who?

Accessible toilets are for this purpose (as well as extra space etc etc).