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Original poster

Telling someone you are too busy for a visit but they turned up anyway

310 replies

Minniliscious · 19/11/2023 15:10

Just wanting to get some more views on this as I am feeling really bad right now.

DH and I booked Friday as leave to get things done around the house etc …. Car battery had gone flat and DH arranged for a neighbour to help with this. I was decluttering and deep cleaning ready for Christmas and making cupcakes for DS Christmas fayre at school. Just very busy all day with planned stuff to do.

A neighbour that I bump into now and then (wouldn’t say we know each other that well but are friendly) text me to say that she was bored and could she pop round for a cuppa and a chat (she had seen the car outside). I text back “Sorry but really not convenient today! We’ve booked the day off to declutter etc but let me know when you’re next free” I forgot about it and just carried on. An hour later, there’s a knock at the door and it’s her! She was like “Hi put the kettle on you sound like you need a break” I asked if she had got my text and she went “yeah but you’re not out out, you’re around so I won’t stay long.” I really didn’t know what to say , I was speechless. We walked through to the kitchen, I put the kettle on but suddenly felt really irritated and said “actually I really can’t stop for a cuppa, this is the only day I have to get things done. I did tell you that?” So with that, she huffily got up and said she wish she’d hadn’t bothered! I ended up apologising to her and saying I’d be in touch.

The more I think about it though, I just can’t believe someone would have the audacity to even do that? Was I being unreasonable by practically throwing her out??

OP posts:
idealgift · 20/11/2023 15:39

DriftingDora · 20/11/2023 12:10

This is utter rubbish and you know it. Unless they were grandparents attempting to assert their rights, no court would even list a case where friends/neighbours(?) were asking for access rights. Bonkers.

Show quote history

yes i know. i couldn’t be bothered to respond but it is, isn’t it!

Ariela · 20/11/2023 15:22

I have a friend like this! Luckily I have coats/shoes by the door so when I see it's her I throw my shoes & coat on and answer the door waving the car key.

Newestname002 · 20/11/2023 15:11

RosePetals86 · 20/11/2023 09:29

I wfh and have told family I was working on x day and they just turn up anyway because ‘they won’t stay long!’ Just rude! Then they make you feel bad for trying to ship them out.

A sign on the door saying you are working and will not answer the doorbell or door knocker will help. For those particularly entitled, add the phrase "YES this definitely applies to you!" This sign will make people who don't listen to your polite responses unhappy but will get the message through. 🌹

DriftingDora · 20/11/2023 14:38

SunRainStorm · 20/11/2023 08:57

Grandparents have standing to make applications to court for access to minor children. Google 'grandparents rights' if you want to learn about it.

It was a valid application and we had to hire a lawyer and apply for it to be dismissed by the court.

My husband gave them a key. I wasn't happy about it. Changing the locks lead to a huge tantrum and threats so we gave them a new key to end the fight.

I'd never encountered people like them before in my life. I did my best with what I knew at the time.

My husband had to go on his own journey with it, having been raised by emotionally volatile and abusive people.

We did our best. I don't believe I lack a 'backbone' at all.

Eh? The subject of the thread is a neighbour - we all know that grandparents can apply to the courts for access to grandchildren. 🙄

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 20/11/2023 14:24

GettingStuffed · 20/11/2023 13:57

The only way this would have been acceptable would be ivf she's said she'd put the kettle on and what could she do to help.

Not everyone wants help with decluttering, though. Personally I get far more done working alone for that sort of thing, than having someone standing there trying to 'chat' and being all 'Do you really need this?' and/or 'Don't throw that out, it might come in handy one day!'

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 20/11/2023 14:03

AllAroundMyCat · 19/11/2023 20:06

I actually feel a bit lonely, if I’m honest. I’m fed up of having to check my diary for weeks in advance in order to catch up with a friend.
yes, there’s social media but things get misconstrued on SM( many threads on here about this.)

I do think that our detachment from social life is hampering us and causing anxiety because we’re alone and because we WANT, to be left alone.
just check out the number of threads where people won’t answer a phone call or won’t answer the door.

But there's a huge difference between 'checking your diary weeks in advance' and just turning up on someone's doorstep regardless whether someone has said no. These days people are busier than they used to be, and it isn't unreasonable for people to want to agree a mutually convenient time.

TurquoiseMermaid · 20/11/2023 14:01

It's never 30 minutes, come on. Don't be so silly.

LaurieStrode · 20/11/2023 13:57

ShadowCipher · 19/11/2023 19:26

On the flip side, 30mins cuppa and natter wouldent have took long,

The OP is very time-pressed & booked a precious day of annual leave for a specific purpose. Sucking up a portion of that time, uninvited, is rude, rude, rude.

GettingStuffed · 20/11/2023 13:57

The only way this would have been acceptable would be ivf she's said she'd put the kettle on and what could she do to help.

OMeOMy · 20/11/2023 13:50

My SIL did this to me when I was in hospital with severe sepsis (with a random friend in tow I'd never met before, both nurses working at a different hospital). I knew she was planning a visit and asked her not to come as I very much didn't feel up to visitors- I hadn't even seen my kids yet since I'd become ill. I was so shocked to see them that I didn't really know how to respond, and made polite conversation with them until they left 30 mins later (whilst feeling like I was dying, which I kind of was). When I happened to raise it with other family members after the event they were annoyed at me for not being sufficiently pleased and grateful about the visit!! This was years ago, and it still bothers me.

Hibiscrubbed · 20/11/2023 13:45

SunRainStorm · 20/11/2023 08:57

Grandparents have standing to make applications to court for access to minor children. Google 'grandparents rights' if you want to learn about it.

It was a valid application and we had to hire a lawyer and apply for it to be dismissed by the court.

My husband gave them a key. I wasn't happy about it. Changing the locks lead to a huge tantrum and threats so we gave them a new key to end the fight.

I'd never encountered people like them before in my life. I did my best with what I knew at the time.

My husband had to go on his own journey with it, having been raised by emotionally volatile and abusive people.

We did our best. I don't believe I lack a 'backbone' at all.

Ignore the posters determined to make their insane behaviour your fault. It’s rife on here.

Original poster
Minniliscious · 20/11/2023 13:36

@purplecorkheart Thats exactly what I think has happened! Lucky me 🤦🏻‍♀️ She’s very in your face and over the top. Can only deal with her in extremely small doses!

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 20/11/2023 13:26

Wow she seems to have massive issues with boundaries. I wonder are others giving her a wise berth and she has become fixated on you.

betterangels · 20/11/2023 13:25

Hairyfairy01 · 19/11/2023 15:42

Maybe she really needed some kind of support or a kind ear from you?

So what? OP had said she wasn't available at this time. Some people act so utterly entitled to other people's energy and time. It's not okay.

betterangels · 20/11/2023 13:20

I wouldn't even have let her in. Good for you. Neighbour is cheeky at best. Her "you're not out-out" attitude can fuck off. You said no.

stayathomer · 20/11/2023 13:18

idealgift
And I don’t mind people disagreeing with me x just think people are very out for blood over someone calling in.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/11/2023 13:17

I wonder if her grasp of reality is a bit here and there from what you've said.

stayathomer · 20/11/2023 13:16

idealgift
yeah sorry, typed too fast there

BMW6 · 20/11/2023 13:15

I think I'd nip this in the bud.

"Dh has relayed your request for a playdate at some point.
I think not. Bye"

idealgift · 20/11/2023 13:12

stayathomer · 20/11/2023 10:35

idealgift
ah sorry I meant the sometimes life isn’t right or wrong in relation to the neighbour deciding to come in anyway, sorry, I sometimes phrase things wrong because our internet is dodgy so I can lose comments! Have a great day!

and you think the OP is ruder

and you think all of us disagreeing with you are “over dramatic”

lovely @stayathomer

Original poster
Minniliscious · 20/11/2023 13:01

@RidingMyBike She only works Mondays and Tuesdays (5 hours each day) so has way more time on her hands than I do. What a bloody cheek!! So infuriating.

OP posts:
WickedSerious · 20/11/2023 12:51

Minniliscious · 20/11/2023 12:43

Well- unbelievably she saw my husband on the driveway this morning and said something like “you two are crazy - who books the day off to do housework? Tell Minniliscious I’ll be in touch for a playdate”😮😮😮 I’m fuming!! Really baffled that she’s now annoyed that we booked a day off to do housework because I was too busy to talk?? What on earth is it to do with her?? Also, she wants to still meet up? Bizarre.

These people tend to be very thick skinned.

RidingMyBike · 20/11/2023 12:47

Minniliscious · 20/11/2023 12:43

Well- unbelievably she saw my husband on the driveway this morning and said something like “you two are crazy - who books the day off to do housework? Tell Minniliscious I’ll be in touch for a playdate”😮😮😮 I’m fuming!! Really baffled that she’s now annoyed that we booked a day off to do housework because I was too busy to talk?? What on earth is it to do with her?? Also, she wants to still meet up? Bizarre.

This sounds like a total mismatch of expectations. Does she work? If she does maybe she's one of those people who only book leave to go away? Or who has family help with childcare so has time available when she's not working or looking after kids to do stuff in the house?

I'm the type of person who does book leave to get on top of something in the house, whether decluttering or whatever. Because I know it'll make my life easier in the long run. And otherwise there is no time available. But I've learnt to keep that very quiet as otherwise people assume I want to meet for coffees/lunch etc and the time vanishes!

flaxentoad · 20/11/2023 12:44

idealgift · 20/11/2023 08:11

@flaxentoad

Years ago, I had a pushy, bullying "friend" who is no longer my friend (her choice).

when you say her choice… she ended the friendship?

Yes! At this point, I think she was getting progressively annoyed with me that I wouldn't play ball. I did do most things she wanted but she wanted her way all the time and I was started to dig in my heels a bit. She just stopped replying to my emails and cards, so I just left it.

By the point of the break, she was living nearly 200 miles away, back in her home town.

We were an odd pairing anyway. Absolutely nothing whatsoever in common apart from working at the same job years earlier.

RidingMyBike · 20/11/2023 12:43

Yep there are some very clueless people out there with strange ideas about what dropping in to see someone involves. In my early 20s when I very unassertive I had one pop round for a cuppa at around 10am and she was still there in the late afternoon! I'd ended up giving her lunch!

Several decades later, I'm more assertive and I'd have not let her in at all, let alone let it go on for that long. Can't believe I offered her lunch!

But also who has an entire day when you have nothing else to do but go and sit in someone else's house?!