Telling someone you are too busy for a visit but they turned up anyway

I have family like this. They quote how many weeks it is since they saw us. My son can’t stand the woman. Never draws a breath but I tolerate for family peace.
They will be just passing - or just popping in. I decided to try to manage a visit rather than be surprised. It was a disaster. Rest of the family refused to engage at all leaving me to entertain them. After I got a v sad text saying how unwelcome they felt. Can’t pick family !!

She didn’t though- did you even read the thread? Whats the point in making up desperate scenarios when they aren’t true in this instance? By this rationale you could say:

what if aliens had landed?
what if a nuclear bomb had just hit her house?
what if the apocalypse was occurring at that very moment?
what if she was being chased by a serial killer?

😂

It's not enough for you to need someone, you need the right person at a suitable time and place. You can't just grab any person at any time and expect them to be able to take your crap. Sorry but it doesn't work like that.

Yes

And what if OP needed to get on and get stuff done? (which she did)

So tired of seeing women being told to be constantly available to others at the expense of their own needs. Would you have issued this 'advice' if OP was male?

What if she needed to talk? Half hour out of the day wouldn’t ruin the day and maybe SHE needed someone.

What if the OP had been in dire need of a day to herself, away from distractions of any kind, or a one-on-one day with her husband? For all the neighbour knew, a day off to declutter was a polite fiction to avoid telling someone she doesn’t know that well everything that’s going on in her life.

Tbh I think she probably feels bad that she stormed out saying why did I bother etc etc and by saying that to your husband is her way of patching things up. She sounds like a bolshy character who isn't shy in sharing her opinion but doesn't mean anything by it. Perhaps it's time to make amends and in future she'll know when you say you're busy you're busy! 😄

She's your neighbour and you have previously got along in the past, it would be a shame for things to deteriorate further. As long as you keep clear boundaries you'll be fine, good luck x

No. It’s not rude to maintain personal boundaries. Honestly your home is your own private personal space and we do get the basic right to decide who we let in and when.

If someone is that close to killing themselves then they need advice and support from a mental health professional, not a random neighbour they don’t even know that well. Most people are not equipped to deal with someone who is suicidal or about to self harm and that’s waaay too much responsibility to put on the shoulders of a random, non qualified person.

I say that as someone who has worked on a psych ward. It’s also incredibly manipulative and coercive to suggest that by not having time to chat with someone it may result in their funeral.

Suicide is far more complex and nuanced than being the result of a neighbour simply being too busy to talk to you one day. If it really were that “easy” to fix, then no one would ever be suicidal.

If she's in dire need, she should call Samaritans, not barge in on a busy acquaintance who has used up a precious day of annual leave to get her house in order.

The only forgivable element of this scenario is if she herself was in need of human interaction, comfort, company...

I'm always here to talk to anyone, I'd rather listen to them at 4am than listen to the eulogy at their funeral.

If she wasn't in dire need of human interaction then yeah, absolutely cheeky!

well no actually

you don’t thinks it’s “fine”

You called us “over dramatic”

and i’m curious why you think the OP is actually ruder than her neighbour.

I share your neighbour's bafflement.

idealgift

And we can agree to disagree!! I’d let people call in then tell them sorry, others wouldn’t, I was only ever just saying that people were acting like the neighbours decision to pop in was the worst thing in the world. I don’t think that, others do, that’s fine!

wrong poster!

@stayathomer

and the Op is actually ruder than the non-guest. How did you come to that conclusion. Ruder? It was her home. She had not invited this women. She had been clear it was not convenient. and you still think “ruder”.

why “ruder”?

idealgift
youngest is 8 eldest 15 and I worked until my third, left for 9 years and went back to work 2020- don’t know where you got a few months from!!!

how old are your children

and you have booked a day to get shit done before? you only started working a couple of months ago!

idealgift

*@stayathomer

perhaps you have never worked full time, with young children, and booked a “get shit done” day?
I have 4 kids and work full time in a shop so yes I have

She’s clearly crackers, but she actually did you a favour by flouncing off like that. She’s both shown her true colours and given you the perfect excuse to say “Sorry, but I feel uncomfortable meeting up with you anymore. I clearly told you I was busy the other day and you not only turned up anyway, but threw a strop when I said it wasn’t convenient. I’m not prepared to put up with that.”

(Or just “Go fuck yourself”, which is the less polite version.)

My husband gave them a key. I wasn't happy about it. Changing the locks lead to a huge tantrum and threats so we gave them a new key to end the fight.

between you and your husband you need to build a spine. fast

@stayathomer

perhaps you have never worked full time, with young children, and booked a “get shit done” day?

By “could have handled it better”, what you mean is she could have given in. That’s the only other option really, isn’t it? OP had clearly said she was busy - that should have been all the neighbour needed.

it people disagreeing with you is over dramatic

and the Op is actually ruder than the non-guest. How did you come to that conclusion. Ruder? It was her home. She had not invited this women. She had been clear it was not convenient. and you still think “ruder”.

how often have you met up in the past?

I know you said she was very me me me, but did you get any enjoyment from the meet ups?