Telling someone you are too busy for a visit but they turned up anyway

Dora, is there something wrong with your reading comprehension?

The poster you're replying to sympathised with the OP and shared a similar story of her own, which happened to be slightly different in that her situation involved grandparents and not a neighbour. (Which often happens on MN - people share their own stories in order to show empathy, and those stories won't always 100% match that of the OP.)

You attacked her and called her a liar and "bonkers", because apparently you didn't read the full post and thus didn't realise she was referring to a grandparent and not a neighbour.

She then naturally responded to defend herself, which anyone would if they'd been called a liar by someone who was factually wrong and clearly hadn't read the post.

Yes, the thread was started to be about a neighbour, but the conversation you're being so aggressive over is about a grandparent. Or are you just being passive aggressive to make a point about threaddrift? Because if so, stop. It just comes across as being an arsehole and not being able to read.

I’m reminded of a mum from school a few years ago. She’d wait for me every morning at the school gates and start walking back with me, just talking at me. We’d get to the going our separate ways point and she’d stand in front of my pushchair blocking me, still talking at me and ignoring me when I was saying “I’d better go” “I need to get home” “I’ve got a lot to do today”.
On average she’d only keep me for a few minutes but then I’d have to dash home and quickly get ready for whatever DD and I were doing that morning whereas when I hadn’t seen her those morning felt less stressful.
One day I decided when we got to the separating point I was going to keep walking. She went to stand in front of my pushchair and I ended up ramming her ankle with the wheel. It was an accident but I didn’t apologise, in fact I made it clear to her that I thought it was her fault for getting in the way of the pushchair). Luckily she kept a bit more of a distance after that.

I don’t know why some people think it’s okay to monopolise others, but you were not be unreasonable to have put yourself first in your situation

It might be that you need to only say what you mean when talking to this person, for example only mention going for a coffee if you're literally asking her to go for coffee at a specific time.

So she's not a friend. She's a pushy acquaintance who has decided that your home can be one of her coffee spots.

Mute and achive her number, you are wasting your time.

This reminds me of my mother, who said it was great that she could ring me on my “day off” instead of just at weekends. I had to say time and time again that I didn’t have a day off - I just WFH one day a week. (Post-Covid, she gets it 😄)

But my favourite was the “friend” who pushed to come over when I was working freelance and had the bright idea of “Ooh, I could help you, couldn’t I? With your little blurbs?” Apparently my years of experience in advertising meant nothing - all I did was make up “little blurbs”, which apparently any old tosser can do. (Sorry, bit of a detail!)

Retired now but when I was working I eventually cut down to a 4 day week. Heaven.
DH used to organise his own days out on my day off to give me space.
I told friends/family how fantastic it was to have a day midweek to do what I wanted.
THREE friends/family started to ring every day off for a catch up, sometimes staying on for nearly an hour. I wanted to scream.
I simply stopped picking up.

Well, she should f**k off and talk to someone else

Your last paragraph: you’re right! Ask her in to help?? I think sometimes people on MN think “ What’s the daftest suggestion I can make?”

Moll2020

Read the OP again. The neighbour said she was BORED.
🙄

I wouldn’t have been quite so assertive, I would have had tea and then said “I really gave to get in now” but then I’m a bit if a coward.
I had a friend who did this to me, I said no, was ironing etc and she turned up anyway - WITH her 2 kids. I said nothing, she made a joke of getting me away from the ironing etc so I just gave up and went with it. But I do live her, she’s just a bit mad.

Cheeky and annoying but maybe she really needed a friend that day

I think we've now identified one of those who has no boundaries and only worries about their own needs! Or someone who just wants to disagree for the sake of it..😁

Why is that the OP's problem? This is just an acquaintance, not a close friend. The OP could have been at work. The person gave no indication there is some kind of crisis eg by saying "Steve just walked out, I'm struggling a bit, could we have a cup of tea and a chat".

And it never is half an hour with people like this. It always runs on and on, and there's a day of annual leave wasted.

I’d just carry on doing jobs and don’t make them a drink. They soon get the message and leave.

I hear you!

I have to remind my mother I am still working. A lot of people can't seem to understand working at home and being self-employed is still WORKING.

She thought I had retired!!!!!!! No, mother, still 12 years to work before I see a pension...

I'd have deliberately assumed she was there to help with the deep cleaning.

"Oh, I'll pop the kettle on in a bit! So kind of you to come around to help when you got my text. I am crazy busy today deep-cleaning and an extra pair of hands will be so useful!"

So we’ve gone from a daft bat who ignores an explicit text to someone who is near suicidal 🤣🤣🤣

She’s an idiot.

Thats where popping a coat on as you answer the door is useful! You can either do the "just going out" or have "just come in" thing although if she's a neighbour the second one wouldn't work!

People are strange. Some don’t follow social conventions at all. By her reaction she is one that perhaps doesn’t get them.

She could be selfish and thoughtless OR lonely and desperate.

Perhaps she really needed someone to talk to and thought you would make a good listener.

She read something more into your casual friendliness than you meant, and wanted to deepen your friendship.

She likely has trouble making friends because yes, if someone says no, don’t come round, then of course you don’t do it: usually.

But as established, people are strange. Especially non neurotypical or damaged people.

Her out of touch reaction to
you reiterating it was not a good time for a chat could be rudeness of course. It could also be a defensive reaction at feeling rejected.

Your behaviour was totally acceptable, she should have listened to you. However all I’m saying is, people behave strangely for different reasons other than entitlement or stupidity.

Did you like her at the beginning of your contact? Or were you just being neighbourly and polite? You may be the only person who really chatted to her at all.

If it was me, I would have text her and ask her why she came round when you asked her not to? Find out what was going on. But if you are actually glad to avoid her completely then that is fine too. But I like to dig deeper and find out what was going on for people. If it is clear they are entitled, then at least I know for sure!

That’s what I was wondering

This is a constant in my life - self employed, work from home. I work very long hours, but people seem to think I'm always available because I'm home and don't have a boss. I still have to get the work done, and if I drop everything to meet you for a coffee for two hours, or even chat on the phone (would you phone someone at their actual work between 9-5 if it wasn't life or death?!) that means I'll be working an extra two hours this evening. Glad you had the strength o reclaim your time OP! I need to be more assertive in this...

But why did it have to be the OP, who she doesn’t even know that well and who had already made it clear it was inconvenient? And if there was genuinely no one else, why couldn’t she have said “Look, I’m sorry, but know you’re busy, but I could really do with a chat; it’s important” or similar?

But no - instead of doing that or anything like it, she just cheerily breezed in, having ignored the OP’s response and acting like she’d done OP a favour by getting her to have a break. Selfish.

YANBU , but I u derstand you were a bit miffed when she still came in and sat down. So yes, don't we all do that, apologise? You shouldn't have of course, she was in the wrong. Maybe I would've made her a cup of tea and then left her with it at the kitchen table why I got on with my chores 🤔