Telling someone you are too busy for a visit but they turned up anyway

It's certainly a weird phenomenon. I wonder if they've already tried speaking to each other and found out they are too alike and therefore not a match.

It's quite interesting to study from a psychological point of view!

I hear you!

I have an alcoholic brother and a narc mother who will talk for 4-5 hours straight (I'm not exaggerating) without once asking how I am. This means when I am out and about locally, I have limited capacity for more of the same.

I am not assertive enough so have to practice avoidance. I feel quite pleased with my keepmovingdon'tstopwaveandsayniceweatherwe'rehaving approach 😃

Only once that I know of. And spotted a major sale at a store she loves, so even that ended well. She lives a charmed life, LOL.

Yes, exactly. I once had a film producer want to option one of my screenplays, and the first time I talked to her on the phone it wound up being a two-hour conversation. I felt wonderful because I thought I'd made a lovely new friend, with the added bonus of it being this big deal producer. Then she invited me to go on holiday with her, when we'd only spoken that one time and had never met. Then we got into this pattern where she'd vanish for weeks/months, then suddenly phone me late at night, drunk, and talk AT me for hours without drawing breath. I am usually very assertive but I found it really hard, first because I felt sorry for her because I knew she had a very traumatic background, second because I was afraid she'd blacklist me in the industry. Till I met other people with horror stories about her.

It can be really hard. It's easy to sit behind a keyboard and type "just tell her to fuck off" but if it's someone who is in your life - a relative, or someone who lives on your street - then you probably can't do that without fallout. Especially if you live in a village or somewhere that's really gossipy.

I have noticed, however, that none of these people will speak to EACH OTHER. I see them individually buttonholing people but won't speak to EACH OTHER. What's that all about?

My theory is that it is because they talktalktalktalktalk and really aren't that interested in others. Therefore, they are all looking for an audience, rather than a friend.

I think this is spot on- I have wondered and noticed the exact same thing too! There is an elderly man who walks his dog in the same fields that I do and he seems lonely as is always trying to start conversations with people. The odd thing is- he never ever approaches the older men/women on their own walking their dogs who also look rather alone. Its ONLY much younger people and I find that weird, frankly. If you are genuinely lonely then surely you'd talk to anyone regardless of age?!

People like that might have found it easier in more communal times maybe. They could be working or doing chores alongside others and talk a lot. The others might find it a little annoying but you'd be doing the work you'd be doing anyway so at least no one's having time wasted.

These days I'm not really sure what a good outlet would be for the talkers, people are busy and there isn't a need for this sort of one sided interaction.

The other thing I find is with the people where I live who always seem to be at a loose end and lonely. I DO stop and chat where I can if I bump into them outside. Sometimes, I've stood there for half an hour waiting for them to draw breath so I can make my excuses and get on.

There is one woman where I have to just keep walking and waving, giving her a cheery comment about the weather as I go. If I actually stop, I'm done for! It was 45 minutes once. 45 minutes I just didn't have to spare. I didn't get more than two words in anyway. I felt guilty at first, but she is very mobile and not even that old - she could be doing all sorts really apart from looking for an audience so she can talk about herself non stop. I always see she has caught someone other than me now. In tourist season, I see poor tourists like rabbits caught in headlights. Poor things don't know enough to run for their lives😂

I have noticed, however, that none of these people will speak to EACH OTHER. I see them individually buttonholing people but won't speak to EACH OTHER. What's that all about?

My theory is that it is because they talktalktalktalktalk and really aren't that interested in others. Therefore, they are all looking for an audience, rather than a friend.

Ha! Yes, you've touched on another point there. It's funny how when you're working from home your work seems to be downgraded in people's minds. It's like it can't be SERIOUS work...not from home!!!! 😂 Sometimes the psychology of it amuses me.

With the woman the OP mentions I'd worry she'd want to come with me and I'd have to walk round the shops for hours trying to shake her off.

has she ever had to leave the house and pretend to go somewhere?!

She is, in fact, a bit weird. But the method works very well for her.

weird. aside from the obvious (why doesn’t she just say that it’s not convenient), surely if the person standing at the door is obnoxious enough that your friend has to do this - they will likely stand there and wait as your friend has to actually leave the house. The amount of time your friend must waste

I have a friend who ALWAYS puts on her coat/vest/etc and purse when answering the door. If it is someone she doesn't want to see, she says, "OH, I'm sorry, I'm just on my way out!" If it is a welcomed guest, she says, "You're right on time, I just got in!" Works well for her.

I'm crazy too, I regularly book days off to get stuff done around the house, catch up on etsy orders, generally things I cant keep on top of with a toddler in the house! She obviously doesn't know what it feels like to feel totally overwhelmed by a backlog of chores.

Apparently so! 😂

but in the specific example you gave - seems totally reasonable for the horse owner to want to educate those ignorant as to why it may seem kind to feed animas, it can have serious consequences.

but when we are talking about declining a guest for coffee - no need for any reason beyond “doesn’t work for i’m afraid”

When someone gives an instruction regarding themselves, their time or their property then you should follow it. It isn’t up to you to “probe it” and decide whether you agree or not!

You no longer see signs up saying don’t feed the horses- they say don’t feed the horse because they might get colic - the owner has to justify why they are making a perfectly reasonable request.

I actually think that’s an enhancement. We, as a society, have become more probing. Not simply blindly following. I don’t see this in any related related to the OP’s rude and rhino-skinned neighbour situation

That isn't the OP's problem when she had put down a boundary about not being available. They're not even friends. It's rude and intrusive.

Well said.

I’ve notice this over the last 20 years or so becoming more and more common. It isn’t enough anymore to ask someone not to do something- you have to give them a reason and then they seem to judge wether it’s reasonable or not.

You no longer see signs up saying don’t feed the horses- they say don’t feed the horse because they might get colic - the owner has to justify why they are making a perfectly reasonable request.

if a dog runs over to you off the lead and you ask for it to be called back- you instantly get asked “why?”

here you’ve given a reason and the lady didn’t think it was sufficient so ignored it. I don’t know how we’ve got to this point where we have to justify “NO”

😂

I don't think anyone's issues negate boundaries.

An autistic suicidal person, at that!