To take my toddler to a psychologist

Headstrong children need a different approach - one that is softer on the outside but actually has them playing into your hands.

Never use punishments (eg taking toys away) as that will only make them care less about things.

Instead, create a bond that appears to them to be equal in status but actually gets her behaving as you want and need. E.g. When she is in a calm mood, say, casually, 'I've been thinking. I know you don't like napping and that's fine but it does mean you get tired later in the day and we all end up shouting at each other which is sad. So we need to find the best way for you to have a cosy rest so you don't get too tired. What do you think would work?'

Listen to her answers and always say, 'Oh yes, that's a nice idea/fun idea.' If they are preposterous, just say, 'Wouldn't that be great?' then suggest making a cosy corner for her with blankets, cushions, cuddlies, a picture book, a small snack and drink etc and suggesting that she just settles there whenever she feels cross or sad or overwhelmed. If she resists the idea, ask what would work better for her - a little den or a rocking chair etc. Make it a joint project. Involve her in the decisions - which cuddlies would be there? Which blanket? etc.

If she hits anyone, say, (not as a punishment!) 'That's not like you. You are not a cruel girl. Go and snuggle up in your cosy place until you feel calm again. When you feel nice again come back to say sorry and have a hug.' That way you are reinforcing the idea that she isn't a hitter, rather than that she is.

This approach is really scoffed at by loads of people, but it teaches headstrong children how to self-regulate their emotions. It worked like a dream on DS1 and he was one of the most headstrong children I have ever met. He is the most laid back adult I know.

When you say your therapist is also qualified in child psychology, what do you see them for? No judgement, I saw a few people from the age of 15 to 30 years old but not feel like I’ve had to for the last 8 years.

I mean I think every mum could agree having a 2.5 years toddler is tough! They test your mental and physical strength hourly… literally, as I have typed that my child has just pushed the dining room chair into the kitchen and is now standing on top of the chair, trying to grab oranges out of the fruit basket… she’s also 2.5 years old.
I have to say, and I do believe our toddlers am much better behaved at nursery, and I do believe that nursery staff have a lot more patience than I personally do! We struggled with biting and hitting, she was called out twice for biting another toddler at nursery, we have now replaced the biting with hugs… weirdly she only bit people she loved… and I’m not too sure where she got the idea biting people close to you. She stopped tv or screen time, and the hitting stopped a few days after. I use to have it on for when I cooked and did laundry, now I just get her to wash veggies when I’m cooking (I guess it’s technically water play with veggies in her eyes) and load and unload laundry when I’m hanging stuff up. The sleeping… I can’t give you much on that as I cuddles mines to sleep then roll out when she’s asleep. I know… but I can’t get out of the bad sleeping habit I created!
I don’t think there’s any issues with seeing a child psychologist, I would also love for you to do an update once you do you see her with your toddler and tell me if you think it makes a difference. I would be so tempted to see want too if you feel like it helped.

I think the session might be useful for you in terms of skills/strategies to manage her behaviour but the behaviour in and of itself sounds extremely normal.

I would focus more on strategies to help you deal with the behaviour.

There's not a huge amount of point in imposing consequences on a toddler - such young children don't have much control over tantrums/meltdowns. A lot of walking away whenever possible, plenty of positive attention when she's calm, and make sure you're modelling "good behaviour" yourself.

A family counselling session wouldn't do any harm, but it would probably be more for your benefit than hers.

I would take a lot of MN advice around parenting toddlers with a huge pinch of salt.

I think in recent years on here there has been a push back against gentle approaches to parenting and a very authoritative sort of approach has crept back in. I know a lot of toddlers and they all present challenges. It won’t be anything you’re doing, but posts on here can get you anxious and questioning yourself.

I think a joint session would be useful to help you with ways of dealing with her. Why the sane routine though since birth - what is it she sounds v overtired and then you shouting as well can’t help.

I think looking into support with the sleep via a sleep therapist instead. At two I don’t see what could be achieved by a psychologist realistically

I don’t think one joint session with your therapist can do any harm but 2 and a half is very young, the terrible twos are a real thing, so don’t go looking for any deep, permanent problems. What can seem unreasonable, worrying behaviour in a 2-3 year old often disappears ( I had that with one dc and don’t get me started on a dgc! Now the gentlest, most respectful, polite teenager but as a 2 and 3 year old…………)
It’s possible you’re not as consistent as you think you are so dd is finding ways to chip away with what you think is a strong front.
Are you and dad together?