To take my toddler to a psychologist

You've clearly stated here it's your approach that is failing. You seem to have a normal child reacting normally to poor approaches at discipline.

Follow through on what you say, and if you can't work as a team with your partner, don't. Each of you can take on different issues.

My therapist is also qualified in child psychology

This is meaningless - anyone can call themselves a psychologist. Literally, anyone. There is no such qualification as a "child psychologist."

1.stop trying to "explain" things to 2.5 year old. They do not have the comprehension.

1. Even if she has great language, when she's upset/having tantrums, use much shorter sentences.
2. You need to be consistent. Pick an approach at bedtime & stick religiously to it so your DD knows exactly what's coming

She sounds overtired. Try an earlier bedtime and at this age it needs to be a long build up. Go up at 5.45, allow 30 mins for a nice bath etc. Allow a lot of time for calm, quiet stories in bed. If she's not happy with you leaving the room yet try building up to that more gradually to allow her to get used to change.

Hi OP

I think it sounds like a normal 2.5 YO. Of course not all toddlers are this way and some are actually "well behaved" I went through this with all 3 of mine. They never listened or cared about consequences, used to hit everyone at any inconvenience.. etc. I used to think I make abnormal children as all of my friends children and children's friends seemed so much better behaved. But I can say it sounds like it's just an age thing. All of mine got over it by age 4 latest. And are now so lovely and polite, just amazing little humans.

Maybe it's just a case of waiting it out? But if it makes you relax a little maybe a session or two wouldn't hurt? There's nothing to loose

I'm sure things will improve either way x

DD and I were referred by CAMHS to a psychologist when she was 18 months old. Went for over a year and it was incredibly helpful for me and therefore also for DD.

DD had incredibly bad separation anxiety, didn't sleep - stopped napping at 6 months, could easily go 48 hours without sleep and has had a midnight bedtime for since she was 2 years old (now 14) and refused to touch solid food till she was nearly 3.

Also happens to be very bright, exceptionally stubborn and persistent as well as severely dyslexic and ADHD. Oh and she had loads of energy and was a runner from a very young age.

Solutions have been bribing like crazy, picking our battles and ultimately medicating. Tech has also been a life-saver - both tracking devices when she ran away in museums, and screens as she got older (she's now incredibly good at creative media and music tech, on track for top grades in both next year and planning a career in that area).

I hated kids TV so just bought loads of really good films - Beatrix Potter, 5 Children & It, Narnia, Harry Potter, Tom's Midnight Garden, Secret Garden etc - she doesn't read much due to the dyslexia but knows all the children's classics through films.

The psychologist saved my sanity and stopped me feeling like the worst parent ever.

You're the problem. You need to evaluate what you're currently doing to cause this behavior and what needs to happen instead. Taking a toddler to a psychologist is a waste of money.

Sounds over tired, if possible persevere with the naps.

The other thing is as a parent you can’t (and shouldn’t) stop them being angry and upset. They are normal emotions that we all feel. Negative things happen to us. You can help her deal with the emotions (tiredness/hungry) etc

You sound at the end of your tether but equally everything you say is within the range of normal.

It's also completely possible for her to both love nursery and be intensely subconscious incredibly jealous that you get to stay at home with the baby.

Some children are just harder work.

Probably best thing is for you to have a break, so that you don't do bedtime 3/4 nights a week and get your partner to do it. So you do the day and then he does bedtime so you get a break

A 2.5yo isn't going to benefit from a therapy session. It'll be more for your benefit than hers.

My dd was the same with hitting at that age. She was VERY difficult generally at two and a half. Even my sisters who have loads of older kids were 😮 at some of her antics. She’s now four and positively angelic - I soak up all that praise. 🤣

Are you putting her to bed early enough? I found DD went to sleep very easily at 6-6.30 but if she was awake til 7 it was a nightmare. I was very strict on early bedtime as I knew the consequences if I wasn’t. Friends and family would often say “don’t leave so early” “ah let her stay up a bit later”. Hard no!

Like pps I also think she sounds a bit normal. You have to roll with it a bit. we genuinely thought our DD had pathological demand aversion and now she is 6 it is all melting away.

Over tired can lead to all of that and frustration that she can’t do what she wants to do. The anger and emotions are normal development and it maybe you cannot stop the overtired until she gets older amd more resilient - they are long days

if she is asleep then at 7:30 why not have dinner at 5 then some quiet winding downtime bath at 6:45 and stories at 7:15

Sounds very similar to one of my kids at that age. We were pretty desperate for strategies too.

In the end every time he kicked off or did something 'naughty/bad' I would literally pick him up and remove him from the situation and say 'if you're not going to play nicely/be nice/be kind then you're not allowed to play'.

Then I'd put him down in a different room, hallway or whatever, just away from wherever he had been. If he then kicked off further I'd just sit down and hold him on my lap while he kicked/screamed/thrashed/bit etc and just kept repeating 'if you are not going to be kind... Blah blah' all in a really monotone and boring voice until he stopped fighting.

Initially I was doing it CONSTANTLY all bloody day, after a few days though it seemed to click and actually ended up making a huge difference.

Don't get me wrong, he's only 3.5 now and still intermittently thumps his brother or does something completely outrageous... But the difference was huge.

Good luck with whatever you end up trying!!

You said nothing has changerd recently but then say in another post the baby is 6 months old. A new baby is a huge life adjustment to a toddler only 6 months ago. You have the terrible twos plus jealousy combined. Most of what you describe is classic attention seeking - in a negative way - and will eventually calm down. My middle one used to try and get you to sing him to sleep every night until one night I realised he was actually staying awake longer because I was sitting outside singing twinkle twinkle in repeat. I told him we would do one story and one song a night and stick to it. For 3 nights he would call me repeatedly for more singing and then he realised I wouldn’t come back for that and the habit was broken. You need to set an understandable boundary and stick to it.

As for dinner time if she eats lunch at 11.30 then dinner a 5 is fine. She can’t read a clock and says she isn’t hungry you say but if you put it down she will eat it. Try even going 10 mins easily for 3 days and you’ve moved it without her noticing. You are the parent and you make the decisions.

I mean this sooooo gently, because I know how hard it is, but you sound a bit at the end of your rope and clutching at a professional finding some issue with your child that will help fix this. You’ve had good advice here. Also I think a better use of your therapist is exploring the anger towards her that you feel in the face of all the nos. What does it trigger in you for example? I have felt rage about similar things and I think it touches deep down feelings of humiliation at being disrespected, not listened to at times earlier in my life.

Your child is doing absolutely normal things which are very challenging as a parent. And you have a baby too! It’s horrific at that stage! Not for everyone, but for many. I wonder what you think of the concepts here in this clip, I think they are really helpful and you could explore them in therapy. In meantime, as much practical help as you can get. Call in all the troops and the life hacks you can like cleaners etc to make practical life easier so you can be more understanding of your wee one when you’re in better shape.

If she no longer naps but is exhausted by 7.30, have you tried just putting her to bed at 6.30?

she needs down time
quiet time

You've kept the routine the same despite having a younger baby? Why? Your DD probably needs to spend more quality time it you, you've shaken her world up by having another baby.

Two year olds are not bad, their behaviour is a way of communicating with you.

Just a small thought on the communication side. My eldest was also very articulate early, and around about the age yours is I was forced to realise that we'd developed a habit of explaining things to her in too much detail. She'd learnt to respond to us in ways that made us think she understood but actually we needed to simplify our messages a lot if we wanted her to do as we asked. Particularly around naughty behaviour.

My now 14 year old was a defiant, difficult, hard work toddler, an overwhelmed and unpredictable pre-schooler, then an emotionally disregulated school child and everyone- including health professionals told me it was 'normal'.

My sense was always that it was beyond the realms of normal but I swallowed it down, dealt with everything myself until aged 12 things got catastrophic and in the last two years she has been diagnosed as ADHD combined type with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance ) as a profile component (Psychiatrist reluctance to use it as a full diagnosis ). The kicker has been that every assessment I've / she's had on this- they have all asked detailed questions about her early years and wonder why I didn't push for anything sooner . I have always known something was off. I'm in my own therapy now dealing with all of that.

My point is, if you feel in your gut that she shows behaviour that is very very demanding, struggles to calm down, is emotionally disregulated, battles with you over anything and everything, won't settle easily, has sensory issues- do look into it. Yes lots of children have developmental issues and they iron themselves out after a phase of it but get clued up, see what help there is available, really importantly- look after yourself.

she is a long time at nursery for a young age
and there is the sibling rivalry
you need some quiet time for her