To take my toddler to a psychologist

I think a joint visit with your therapist is a really good idea. If needed she will hopefully be able to signpost you for more help.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job.
How is she when with the grandparents?

If it helps to know, I have older children and looking at them and their friends who we’ve known since toddlerhood, there is generally little resemblance between what they’re like as toddlers and as older children. It’s easy to panic that patterns are being set in stone for the future, but children change so much as they grow up. One friend’s daughter was a whirlwind of mischief aged 2 - I vividly remember babysitting her at our house for a day and being totally shattered, she was constantly yelling, hitting, climbing things, throwing things… aged 11 she’s now a quiet, happy girl who’s doing well at school. My son has always been fairly laid back but he had an awful phase of biting his sister aged 2. He’s 10 now and definitely wouldn’t dream of biting anyone, and he and his sister are very close. I really struggled with my daughter as a baby/toddler; she hardly slept, never napped, had a meltdown every time I said ‘no’ and spent a lot of time screaming. As she got older we realised she’s autistic, and I’m glad that we took the gentle approach (I carried her everywhere in a sling, even up to the age of 4/5, she often slept in our bed, went to bed only when obviously tired (10 pm most of the time) we never did the ‘naughty step’ or sticker charts etc etc). She’s 13 now and we have a great bond, she’s affectionate, thoughtful and doing amazingly at school (and still goes to bed at 10pm - that has never changed!). The best advice I ever read was that discipline isn’t about controlling your child, it’s about teaching them to control their own impulses. It’s a long process, and there will be ups and downs along the way. Hitting is communicating - anger/jealousy/needing attention. See if you can work out what’s behind it and pre-empt as much as you can - try giving her your positive, undivided attention for 20 minutes in the morning before doing anything else (no phone, no chores, just cuddle her, chat to her, be totally present, give her your undivided attention). When she hits, try to stay calm, tell her it hurts and you won’t allow her to do it, show her ways to redirect her feelings (use words, hit a cushion etc). It’s a phase (if a trying one) and will pass.

Btw my mum gave me just one piece of parenting advice - never threaten anything you are not prepared to carry out. It's much better to threaten a five minute iPad confiscation and actually do it, than no iPad for a week and then give it back after 5 days. Otherwise you lose your credibility.

Mine was similar, calmed down around 7 years and then diagnosed ASD aged 14

My (very spirited, opinionated) 3yo did this for a couple of months a while ago, now 6 months later he's fine with bedtime and doesn't put up a fight anymore. Sounds like she's just testing the boundary to see if either of you will cave and do something differently. I would try to avoid losing your temper as toddlers find that "interesting" and will continue with the behaviour to try to understand your reaction. If you can just calmly say "it's bedtime" and take her back to bed consistently without getting annoyed (easier said than done I know!!) eventually it won't be interesting anymore. .

Are you american?

Some of the advice on here is excellent. I've got a DD who sounds similar. I remember when people would say that boys were hard work and I just found it infuriating as they had no idea what it was like raising my DD. I've since had a DS who is a breeze in comparison (by the way, I'm not suggesting it's gendered - just my experience).
I just wanted to point out some positives about having a strong willed DD as those early years are so hard and parenting them feels impossible.
She's still full on in a lot of ways - but she's also hilarious, makes friends easily a still very, very strong willed. The good thing I've discovered about this (which was really tough when she was little) is that she doesn't just go with the crowd if she doesn't want to. She always speaks up for herself and her friends and senses injustice strongly. Small things - like we were at the hairdressers recent and her hairdresser was pulling the brush quite roughly through her hair. I would have kept quiet but she quickly pointed out that it hurt. Large things - organising clean ups in the local park by herself.
She is also determined in a way that I don't recognise in myself. If she struggles with homework for example she keeps at it until she's got it right.
Stick in there - these DDs have lots of amazing attributes!

I don't think she needs a psychologist but if it helps you then it won't do any harm. She's 2 and a half not 5. She just sounds reactive, my dd was like that and is quite emotional, lots of flouncing off, door slamming, reacting to things. She just needs your help learning to calm down and self regulate.

Tough phase! Breathe and power through it. Does she have any age appropriate chores? E.g. get her own plate and cups, set the table with knife and fork for everyone. Deliver breakfast items to the table? That kind of stuff? Even helping with cleaning a little bit?

It might help her feel more grown up. You say her communication is excellent but I find most kids that age can parrot back what they've been told but their impulse control isn't there yet. The feelings are so overwhelming for them. So it is a constant challenge/ dance to keep on top of it until the behaviour goes away.

Extra nursery days if you can afford it, or split with a childminder? Our son is in 8-6 5 days a week and is similar "headstrong and spirited".

I wouldn't advise ignoring it - didn't say that. I would advise not removing stickers she already earned and just watch your phrasing.

My hitter is a perfectly non aggressive lovely man who gets on well with the little brother he terrorized (who now stands 5 inches taller than him!)

Of course she can't hit her sister btw.

I had a hitter. He was jealous of his brother.

When hitting happened he got a sharp "No, we don't hit" and then ignored, whilst the victim got a heap of attention - cuddles, Sat on my knee, etc

Once he realizes that when he hit baby Danny, he got ignored whilst baby Danny got loads of extra attention, he soon stopped.

OK I won't give advice but I will recommend a resource. A lot of gentle parenting approaches won't work yet because she's too little. This is evidence based and not harsh:

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting/home/welcome

Another comment saying it's normal, not sure if that's making you feel better or not?

Hitting and tantrums and making a mess are all normal and my DD 2.5 is the same, but I would say on the days where she's doing these things more I have to try harder with empathising and connecting with her. And I'm not perfect FYI, but when I make mistakes like not being very nice to her or shouting, I will apologise to her. Or if she gets upset because I've, I don't know, picked up her toothbrush but she wanted to be the one to pick it up. I've apologised then too! She knows I care about her feelings and what she wants and I can see in her behaviour she is learning the same from me.

Gentle parenting doesn't stop your child being the developmental age they are, you need to focus on the things you can change - your expectations, your responses and this will improve the undesirable behaviour.

I do recommend reading a gentle parenting book, I'd recommend audio book, personally I find that format easier as there's always something to do and I'd recommend Sarah Ockwell Smith. Do yourself a favour and try it because it sounds like you're having a really tough time, you can turn this around and things can be better than they are.

Be kind /unkind is a bad message because it labels her, not the behaviour. This is internalised by children and they either accept it and play up to it ("I am unkind") or rebel against the whole system ("I don't care about any of this it's stupid").

Always label the behaviour not your child. It is fundamentally important for their sense of self. "Rosie is a girl who sometimes makes mistakes and does things that are not kind" is enormously different psychologically from "Rosie is unkind".

If you want to use a sticker chart just focus on the positives. You don't unearn something you already earnt. That's unfair. She actually did that positive bit of behaviour to earn that sticker, you can't then erase it because she did something unsuccessful later. She just doesn't earn the available sticker for that activity.

You need to be more specific about what you want to see. "I used kind hands with my sister", "I was helpful with my bedtime routine" "I tried to eat my dinner" whatever it might be. Note each target is behavioural, not about her as a person.

It might sound like namby pamby psychology, but trust me, when kids internalise that they are bad, disappointing or unkind - not that they sometimes do bad things, disappointing things or unkind things, like everyone - you really are storing up a lifetime of low self esteem, depression or rebellion, depending on how their psyche reacts to that internalized message.

Some kids are just wired differently and it’s bloomin hard then layer on lost sleep no wonder your struggling as your a human not a robot. Please “be kind to yourself” to start with, find ways to carve 20-30mins for yourself out to recharge, if your calmer your have more patience with your DD. Hitting gets a reaction at the moment so regardless if it’s positive or negative it gets a reaction from you for your DD, ignoring it or grey rock it or very neutral firm tone of NO removes the power from her getting that emotional reaction from you ~ then move on to redirect her attention. Consistently is key she’s little and terrible twos are hard but lots of positive praise for behaviours you like. Behaviour is very much a form of communication when you don’t have the words which is why young kids are so physical.

My DS2 went through a hitting phase at this age. I found it so stressful. I tried so hard to get him to stop and nothing worked! It went on for months, and then suddenly he just stopped. He was such a wilful determined toddler, and not a great sleeper either, but now he's 14yo and he's great - kind, caring, bright, happy, works hard at school. Hang in there OP.

Try the 'how to talk' book. The process they suggest in that helps you as an adult calm down...

"I can see you're angry and it must be very frustrating when you want to draw and I've said no, but the problem is that when you scrawl on the wall with the toilet brush it makes me upset and the wall messy (ffs!) How can we solve the problem, let's see, should we get a dragon to lick the wall clean?" Etc etc.

YANBU to take her because it sounds like some clear parenting support from a specialist who has observed you (rather than the opinion of every random person on MN/in your family) would be really helpful.

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with her though. I won't give advice because it will just be one more conflicting opinion

Your expectations for a 2.5 year old are way too high. They are impulsive, they have only just started developing empathy.
They might know something was "not kind" but still have no clue why they did it, how to not do it again and why you are so cross about it. Those skills take a long time to develop. You taking a sticker away is just not a logical consequence, they are not going to connect it to their impulsive action 5 minutes ago.
Parenting a very overtired toddler is very, very tough. If you can't get a nap or decent down time ti happen during the day then the hours after 5pm need to be as minimally demanding on them as possible. They are at the end of their resources, and so are you.
Can you switch bath to morning? Then it's two less big transitions and a lot less demands. Can you have everything ready in one room to do pyjamas, teeth, hair, story in one safe space.?

Whatever you do, do not spend ages explaining consequences/behaviour to a toddler. Even an angry 7yo won’t take in a full on ‘well how do you think X felt, we really mustn’t hit because Y etc etc’ explanation because their emotions are too heightened to really hear it.

Simple, positive language, e.g. ‘gentle hands’ rather than ‘no hitting’ said in a calm but steely voice, and moving said hands physically yourself if needed to assert the point. Immediate, natural consequences only, again without complex language ‘We share nicely. X is having his toy first’ and toy handed straight back to whomever it was snatched from.