To take my toddler to a psychologist

This all sounds very intense for a 2yo.

Can I please ask again about how you were parented?

You are speaking very negatively about your child, you ascribe intent to her, you are asking her questions far beyond her understanding.

I think you need to stop and regroup.

Is it possible that fear of being a bad parent is pushing you to need your child to behave very well?

To you she seems big and surely capable of rational behaviour compared to your helpless baby but she is not. She’s actually tiny. When DD2 gets to 2.5 you’ll realise how tiny 2.5 is. That said, you admit

• That you are inconsistent
• That you refuse to stay with her. This is very normal even in older children. If this gets her to sleep why not do it.
• She just had her life turned upside down
• She doesn’t nap. Neither of mine napped past 2.5. We just needed quiet time in the evenings. I know you said she needs more and more stimulation but some kids look like that but they need a sensory cut off. But can’t express it.
• The hitting is attention seeking. If you make a big drama of it she will do it more. Just give her a ‘look’, or say ‘stop it’ or just ‘no’ remove her sister or yourself and use a stern voice with her for a bit. If you punish her and she refuses and it’s a whole new drama then it’s a never ending cycle. If she does it at soft play, just leave without much fuss or drama and say ‘that was wrong we are leaving’ and then don’t engage with the fuss that follows. Have a ‘oh this is boring’ approach to it rather than a ‘my daughter is going to be a psychopath and I need to go in all guns blazing’ approach. The attention seeking thing is natural. I noticed that when my 12 year old comes home from school, and I want to debrief him about his day, the 7 year old always uses that precise moment to do something daft. Which then derails that conversation. Even though he’s had me to himself for the previous 45 mins. So I have pointed this out to him. And now I remind him to go and sit in X place with a book/snack while I talk to his brother and then lots of praise for it.

It’s all normal OP. Children of that age hit because they can’t control their emotions. You need to work a little on starting emotion regulation, deep breathing, using words etc. or starjumps when they’re angry. They just need to get that negative energy out. There is nothing wrong with your child, it’s all normal.

I had friends with children who regularly bit or who had to stop going to groups because their kids wouldn’t stop hitting. They all grow out of it and become decent children, they just need some support in getting to that stage.

A child psychologist is not your answer. You’re looking for someone to “fix” an issue which isn’t there. It takes hard work but lots of little ones go through this stage and you just have to keep working with it.

If you were trying to learn a skill using the same method for over two years and you hadn’t managed to learn it then I would suggest trying a different method.
Just because you have been consistent doesn’t mean it is the right method you are using.
For Instance one of my kids is asd/adhd and has always had problems with impulsive behaviour and issues sleeping. I had many, many routines/tricks up my sleeve and had to change them on a regular basis. Sticking to one routine that wasn’t working simply wouldn’t have worked.
I also disagree with the whole ‘gentle parenting’ idea and that ‘disciplining a child is abuse’. I never smacked or hit my children but I did have firm boundaries that I held them too. Children need structure and routine but they need the right structure and routine and boundaries that they learn to understand.

The OP is overseas.

The therapist sounds very dodgy to me.

‘Qualified in child psychology’ doesn’t actually mean the person has any formal professional qualifications in psychology. ‘Child psychologist’ is not a protected title and the unscrupulous can and do exploit this for financial gains. You could be talking about a weekend hobby course, niche approach course, a few terms of GCSE level study at the local further college. I would be very wary about anyone selling a ‘joint session’ with a toddler as a therapeutic approach.

Is your therapist BACP-registered, OP?

Things are NOT out of control. I would believe those saying that likely had easy going kids. This all sounds very normal in my experience and I had friends with similar kids.

I think you’re expecting a lot from a 2.5 year old. It won’t harm to have a joint session I suppose. But I suspect if you changed your approach and expectations you’d have an easier time. It’s really difficult when they still need a nap but won’t nap. Im going through the same now with my DS of the same age. My older DS was alot more of a handful at this age - I had my second too and he used to hit him as a baby for attention. It did all settle down and he’s still highly strung but he is developing emotionally with age.

The other thing about bedtime is is find out if anything else is going on - is she scared? You can find out a surprising amount by asking them questions. Why don’t you want to go to bed for example. Often it’s just they’re scared of missing out, but it may be that she is frightened of something.

The last two words of this are your issue: on purpose.

Your child is TWO. Nothing she does is on purpose. You need to read much more about child development I think.

I also feel your therapist is unethical to suggest seeing your child. So take care.

She doesn't need a child psychologist at this stage. It is dangerous to pathologise normal child behaviour.

You need to work out when you're going to let it wash and when you need to enforce a boundary.

I'd pick my battles carefully. She's 2.5.

You say you are in therapy - were you parented well yourself?

All sounds normal OP. She is trying to exert control, that’s what they do because they get so little of it. Children also tend to respond better with boundaries, so take a look at yours. What’s her routine like? I’ve heard amazing things about the book someone else recommended ‘How to Talk so Little Kids will listen’ so definitely check it out. Make sure you’re giving her choices within reason (around snack options or clothing options).

It’s hard being in the trenches but you don’t need a psychologist. I had a very smart one who was rebellious, they’re hard work but it doesn’t mean something is wrong with them. X

You say a toddler is time wasting??? By asking for things? Your imposing punishments on a toddler? Not sure it's the toddler that's the problem here. Going through the terrible twos is difficult but you will get there.

It might not be a bad idea. Things seem to be way out of control at the moment. But she doesn't sound like a very happy child. I agree that it's probably your approach needs to be changed. Those super nanny programmes are a real eye opener.

Hi OP, apologies if someone has suggested it, but I work in child mental health and I would advise you to contact your local authority’s early help for programs to help you with how you respond to your child. A psychologist cannot work directly with a two year old.
Also, try not to worry, it sounds like you are doing lots of things right already!!!

Oh also - at 2.5, dropping naps is normal. They are gone. No point fighting for them
and stressing yourself. Move bedtimes earlier if needed, but naps? You gotta make like Elsa I’m afraid.

I am pro-psychotherapy, but kindly, she sounds like a normal child going through her terrible twos phase. It’s understandable to think something must be wrong as she is your first. A few things I can recommend:

• The book “Hands are Not for Hitting”. You could read it every night, then you can repeat the mantras as needed.
• The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry. I always recommend this one. I read it during a particularly hard terrible twos during the pandemic (we thought we had broken our child - the tantrums were wild). I now have a perfectly normal and lovely six year old.

It does pass 💐

My now 6yo was a head strong 2yo. He wouldn’t nap either but was exhausted by 5pm. I used to do quiet time on the sofa after lunch - tv (something gentle like Bing or Sarah and Duck) and a cuddle with the blanket. Most of the time he fell asleep. The rest of the time I fell asleep. Also used to lie on the floor of his room while he fell asleep at night. It was the early days of the pandemic and I think he knew something else was going on and needed that reassurance. He’s still headstrong but not naughty anymore. I wouldn’t worry too much - they are learning coping strategies at this age and just want you close by.

My toddler was the same. I (naively) thought she must be neurotypical as she seemed to be in her own world and I was desperate for strategies that would work for her. Then suddenly at 3.5years she seemed to mellow and be soooo much easier. Even nursery have commented that she’s so much sweeter now.

This is really good advice.