To take my toddler to a psychologist

Hi any updates please ?

Hi, I had a toddler who used to hit and kick at this age. I tried talking at his level. Taking toys away, naughty step. Did not work.

What did work - I would say - mummy won't play with you when you hit/kick and leave the room. Each time.

That worked

Just seen PPs suggest ADHD as so many do when there’s some behaviour issues. No one will look at you and an ADHD diagnosis without parenting classes first.

How are they at toddler groups op? My ds used to hit out loads at other kids. So much so that I had to stop going. Turned out he had autism and adhd.

That wouldn't usually be diagnosed till a lot older though.

Invariably I lose my temper after 12 hours of being shouted no at.

learnt behaviour… you will continue to go round in circles until you stay calm. If you can’t stay calm how can you expect your 2.5 year old to? She will learn that you losing your temper equals results, don’t do that. Incredibly hard I know.

I don’t think she should be going to see a psychologist, that’s extreme and a lot of responsibility on a toddler!! You should start with parenting classes.

Well that's a very relevant drip feed.

As I said, no one can rule out ND. However I don't think your child needs a child psychologist.

If you suspect ADHD, go to your GP and start reading up.

But also - if you think ADHD is possible, it is even more important you sort out these ideas you have about her doing things 'on purpose'.

I think dad having adhd is highly relevant here. I agree with pp who said to read up on this and adopt strategies with this in mind.

What you’re describing just sounds like regular toddler behaviour. Those years are hard - they just are. There’s often no way of managing it other than to try and carve out some time for yourself and remember that this too shall pass - you’ll be on to another phase soon and this will all be in the rear view.

Something that helped me re toddler bedtime and all the faffing that they do around that time (more water, another story, going to the toilet for the umpteenth time..) is that they just want to be with you. My DD does all of this and more - especially on days when she’s been at nursery and hasn’t seen me. She just needs extra time. I’ve just had to lean into it and it actually makes for a pleasant 1:1 time before sleep.

IMHO sleep consultants - would never bother with one.

Our sleep consultant helped schedule out our whole day as well as helping the bedtime routine and strategies to use to deal with waking up at night.

My son was an extremely "headstrong" child and there were so so many nights I went to bed so upset with how he'd behaved that day. I have looked up behaviour consultants many times because I felt like he was out of control.

He's now 5 and honestly there is light at the end of the tunnel. He still occasionally can have an epic tantrum, but slowly slowly I have started to see improvements.

It happens so gradually I have to remind myself what life used to be like.

I really feel for you. I now have a 2 year old daughter and she is a completely different child, so I firmly believe it's the child not the parent.

Hmmm if you husband has adhd then I strongly advise you to do a lot of research into it, the current thinking on inheritance and possible ways it can affect young children.
Then go from there…

When mine were that age and nap dropping I was advised to try a super early bedtime. So get ready 5:30pm and in bed lights out at 6:00pm. Amazingly it worked & mine slept right through til morning, sometimes for 14 hours straight. Once they get to the point of being overtired they struggle to unwind and can then take ages to go to sleep so you have to catch them well before that point.

Once we managed a good solid catch up sleep, we then settled into a pattern of just having a nap every 3-4 days, but it would start much later at say 2pm so on those days DC would go to bed much later (say 8-8:30 rather than 7). We accepted that as a temporary measure as a trade off for well rested DC.

OP your toddler sound very like my now 9yo was at that age Unless people have experienced it they won't understand. I have a now 6yo that was a doddle as a 2yo - completely different. I think my 9yo has adhd and an looking into assessment as we are now seeing lots of daydreaming during school and lots of forgeting/ losing things.

Sleep was a big issue for us and her behaviour was always difficult when tired. She used to wake at 4am for the day 🫠 and be on the go and refusing naps from 2pm. By 4pm she was wired and you had to watch for a window to get her to sleep or she would go seriously hyperactive and take hours to calm down.

Instead of naps we did downtime, quite time and tv was often what she needed to sort of zone out, something familiar and low stimulation with a drink of milk car journeys were also great downtime where she would stare our of the window. These things worked ( and still work) for her. We got a tonie box ( audiobook player) when she was older and that would have worked brilliantly had we known about them earlier.

We also found getting the right level of activity/ stimulation was key - too little she was bored and would get up o mischief, too much would push her over emotionally. our day was planned around what she needed.

We did loads and loads of work on feelings - readings, feelings charts. She still uses them now and they help ground her. This has helped her so much be able to express what's she feeling.

Some of these improvements have only come with age and 2.5yo was the hardest time by far for us, so it does get better!

I work with children and tbh there is a huge variety of normal behaviour. My best advice is looking after yourself - making sure you get breaks and have time. Talk to others about your child's behaviour eg nursery and what they are seeing how to talk so kids will listen book is great so I'm sure the little kids version is good too.

Now 9yo is funny, full of energy and drive and excelling at school and I do not miss the baby and toddler years with her one bit as they were brutal!

So many people will give you advice (which works for their child) and think you are doing something wrong. Your not - your child is different to theirs,you have to work out what works for them. Good luck to you!

Please feel free to ignore, I could be anyone.

Your paragraph says the reason you received passive parenting was your good behaviour. This is not correct. Your parents chose their parenting style and you the child responded to that.

Have you done any work with your counselor about your upbringing?

I think you need to look at the way you ascribe intent to your very young child. Easy to be an analyst online, but your parents tell you you were able to be good from a very young age, so they got to do 'easy' parenting. Your DD is, perhaps to you, not choosing the right thing, making parenting harder for you.

But neither you nor your DD could choose whether to be 'easy' at that age. So your parents either ignored you when they shouldn't have, or got very lucky your needs didn't butt up against their parenting style.

I don't think your child needs a psychologist.

No one can rule out ND, but what you describe is common amongst toddlers.

My eldest is very very strong willed, and my youngest has adhd (and still hits often at 6) so I completely empathise.

Getting my sons diagnosis is something which has really helped me get to a place where I could just accept that this is part of who the kids are at this age and stage. That doesn’t mean I don’t try and improve things! but it has meant that I’m more able to look at what I need to make this easier, rather than looking at what I’m doing wrong. I wish I had seen things like that when my eldest was smaller!

So, on that basis I think that you need a night away to catch up on sleep, to take turns on night wakings with your partner, some time with your friends without the kids, for your partner to be in charge of bedtime on the days you’re home all day with the kids, and a solution for some exercise or chill time on a couple of days a week (gym with a crèche? Family member for an hour whilst you do a walk? Coffee with a friend on nursery day whilst baby naps?)

It won’t improve the behaviour but it’ll make everything feel easier!

*I've got to be honest I think that book and most of the gentle parenting techniques do fuck all.

Thats because your toddler needs a different approach.

As she’s such a whirlwind and obviously gets plenty of running about - I think she needs to be taught to be calm and still.

You go send her to a yoga class for example - the other ring you could try is a weighted blanket or jacket - they work.

Try to avoid the opportunity for her to say no.
Eg. Don’t say “let’s brush your hair and get your shoes”
say “would you like to either brush your hair or get your shoes?”
two clear choices, she gets some sort of control but is still achieving what you need to do. Only ever two choices.
Never ask vague overwhelming questions like “what would you like to eat..” instead give two clear choices. Would you like beans or pasta? You have already decided what she is eating but gets a very simple easy choice so she still feels control.

And as I said earlier, with bedtime you might find there is an issue such as shes scared or she wants longer to connect with you.

Hi. One of the things you mentioned in your post was she hates you leaving the room at bedtime. I know this may take more time but have you considered staying with her until she falls asleep. My child is very headstrong but really needs this comfort and would be very upset if I tried to leave her room whilst she was awake. I just mention this as it sounds like bedtime has turned into a big battle and I wonder if you could flip that on it’s head whether it would help calm everything else down. We did bath, story in bed and then cuddle to sleep with music (an audio book now she is older). The routine meant that the cuddles became a sleep cue and she did fall asleep easily.

If she was older and still hitting it would be different.

OP, honestly, you're not raising a child who is horrible on purpose. You're raising a toddler going through a tricky (but normal) phase.

It will be. According to my MIL all her children went to be at 6.30 and slept through from 6 weeks and had no issues with any behaviours. I have heard the stories from my DH and his siblings, I doubt this! My mother admits she can’t remember a lot. So many older people say their children had no issues but commonly they forget the bad stuff.

There is nothing wrong with your daughter. You’ve got some good advice on this thread about consistency and how to support your daughter. Take a breath and try a new approach. You don’t need a psychologist, you just need to adjust your parenting approach.

If she is seeing you then she is not a child psychologist. I think this might be more about you - more about the reason you are seeing a psychologist.