To not bail husband out

I have ADHD and manage the families finances. It’s not an excuse and your husband shouldn’t be using it as one.

Missing the odd manual payment-yes maybe, I’ve done it. But the majority are done by Direct Debit so this shouldn’t be happening.

Sometimes you just got to be cruel to be kind when it comes to someone you love.if you help him out my concern would be that he gets in this situation again beacuse he knows he can rely on l you to bail him out.

Someone could teach him about financial management that would benefit him far more than giving him money

This is an old thread

YABU.

As a mother with an ADHD adult son we are aware that there is a strong possibility that he will never be able to live independently on his own as he is simply unable to cope with this kind of thing.

If you married him without understanding this then it is on you. We would make sure that anyone he lives with is aware they will need to do the household admin. He is quite capable in other areas but just not this.

Why can't you do the admin for everything and he takes over stuff he is capable of doing?

Sorry OP that’s not meant to be a dig at you. He finds it hard, ok. But at the same time, he’s an adult with a job and functions enough to do that, there comes a point when a sentient adult needs to perhaps be able to at least take steps to stop making everyone’s life much harder. So letting you take full control, medication, or even just being adult enough to recognise that you have every right to be frustrated by being put in this kind of situation and he has no right to do this, and even more so no right to blow up at you.

Wouldn’t it be great if he felt that not paying his bills, borrowing and whining and leaving all the adulting to his wife was ‘emasculating’ instead? Gosh that would make everyone’s life easier wouldn’t it!

I've helped a few people who struggle with spending for various reasons.

Does he do a job where he is paid on the same day every month?

If so the biggest help which you can give him is supporting him to move his car loan, phone bill and transfer to you for house stuff to the day he is paid.

This will be so so much more effective than any sort of budgeting app etc because then the money in the account is the money he has to spend until payday.

If he's got credit card debt at the moment set up a fixed, affordable amount towards paying off each credit card each month on the same day that he is paid too.

I would not help him. He keeps looping with the same mistakes. Blowing up is an ADHD thing. He will have to start owning his problems, practice strategies to not plunge himself into debt continuously, start taking the medication etc We live in a world of adults and that's what adults have to do, manage finances.

ADHD affects different people in very different ways.
I also have it, but I'm absolutely meticulous with money - however I have traits that my other ADHD friends simply don't suffer with.

It's not a disability that affects everyone the same way.

Thank you ladies, this post is from November and no longer relevant but I appreciate the comments

@Rocknrollstar

Being married to someone doesn’t mean you inherit their debts. If you don’t have joint finances, like a mortgage or joint bank account, then you can’t be made liable. The same goes if you change your surname when you get married. While it will be updated on your credit report, you’re not legally bound to pay credit agreements in your partner’s name.
This is from Experian, you're posting false info that could scaremonger others

Sorry to point it out, but as a married couple you are both responsible for any debts incurred.

Where is the money going?

I have ADHD quite bad with money, everyone presents differently. However , I've never dragged anyone else in to my problems.

Get a divorce you wont have the problem then.

Could there be something else going on, gambling addition, spending money on something he is not telling you about? can you let us know what's he is spending it on that's means he doesn't have enough to pay his bills?

I have ADHD. I don't struggle with money. I spend appropriately and have savings and investments. Some of your husband's actions sound like deliberate choices to me.

It isn’t difficult for him to have a direct debit set up to pay his car and his phone. This has happened time and time again OP, I couldn’t be with someone who constantly put us under financial pressure. This won’t get better so you have a decision to make, either stay and put up with continually being put into a shit financial situation or leave.

He has stormed out of the house with a bag and this is another thing I can't tolerate is the extreme blowing up when I feel he is in the wrong by being dishonest about reasons for borrowing money.

I wouldn’t be putting up with this shit either, as far as I would be concerned he could stay away. He’s caused you nothing but stress over and over again, cut him loose.

You need some tough love here. Sure he's a man and shouldn't be treated like a baby, but some people really don't 'get it'.

Make him sit down with you and write out all his debts, assets and upcoming outgoings and work out a plan with him. Tell him you want visibility of his wages and every pound he spends so you can work out where the the money is going and what could be saved.

Sorry, it really does need to be this brutal. If he says no, then you have some decisions to make... people liek this will keep going. It's like gambling. One day you'll wake up with people banging on your door.

Emasculating?????

Does he have a disability or not?

He is wrecking the home with his out of control spending and paying his bills.

Stop being so nice to him and either he pays all his money to you for you to manage OR you LTB.

These problems he creates are impacting you and that is just not on. Tell him to grow up.

All my adult kids have ADHD. It's not because he has ADHD. He's just bad with money and ADHD is being blamed.

I feel your pain op! I’ve had similar struggles with my DH. I only found out about his debts when we went to get a mortgage and he couldn’t hid it anymore.

We sat down and wrote everything he owed down and calculated it all up. He then got a debt consolidation loan which helped a lot. The credit cards are gone and now he makes monthly fixed repayments for the loan. My DH is currently going through a ADHD diagnosis. He has always struggled with money but he has said seeing it on paper and managing his debt this way feels less chaotic and easier to manage now.

Maybe something like this might help to start tackling his debts.

It sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond to support him around finances and it’s time for you to stop. He’s unlikely to be motivated to make lasting changes if he’s always got a get out of jail free card.

This might be overkill, but would it be worth him speaking to a charity like StepChange?

Im just wondering whether getting impartial advice from a third party, I.e., not someone who has to live with the consequences of his poor money management, might be easier for you both.

Yes, you can support him to keep on top of his bills, but it sounds as if he’s not fully accepting what needs to be done. An impartial third party might be able to help with that.

Honestly I would tell him to stay wherever he is with his bag and look at separating permanently. Do you even realise that being married he is likely financially linked to you? So his awful credit is possibly impacting yours. This would be a deal breaker for me.