Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

It must be tempting to say “here’s your money now f**k off”, though!

@DietCokeAddict19 I am not a fan of armchair diagnoses but I will say that there are aspects of covert narcissism in his behaviour. Doesn't mean he is one, but you can still take some learnings.

The key thing I'm noticing in your texts is that he's very self absorbed, lacking in empathy and very much the victim. Men like this love women like you because you tend to feel an over inflated sense of responsibility and overcompensate for perceived selfishness or other failings, often as a result of the sort of upbringing and scapegoating you've described in your past.

I totally get why you don't want to block him and at this point, I tend to agree. If there weren't the DC to think about, sure, no problem. But there are.

But the single biggest thing to remember with people with narcissist traits is that they need "supply". What that means is they need your attention. Preferably positive attention - "you are so great" is, of course, the preferred option. But "I'm so sorry, you've been so wronged and here's how I can help you" is good too. At a push, they will absolutely take, "You are a dickhead and I hate you" because.... it still allows them, in their OWN narrative, to be the hero AND victim at once ("I did so much for her and look what a bitch she is to me").

So don't engage with the texts at all. Ignore them. Or, as I think has been suggested previously, send a single emoji. Thumbs up is often a good one.

I don't know what was in your last text and I'd be inclined to say it doesn't matter, but I suspect you will feel you can't just stop engaging with him completely with no warning, so if you absolutely must, first send a single message saying "I can't talk to you anymore. this relationship is over and we both need to get on with our lives. I wish you all the best." Then ignore or emoji only.

As for the DC, I think you just have to keep talking to them. There's a fairly good chance he will turn on them at some point so look out for that. On the plus side, once he does, it will be a lot easier to encourage them to cut contact completely.

It's hard. I know. But you can do this.

Again, this is not your responsibility. It’s on him. He might start to go via the kids even if you don’t block him - ‘why is your mum ignoring me?’ etc. We can’t control other people’s actions, only our response to them as the saying goes. Either way all you can do is explain to your kids why you’re not in contact and why you don’t think it’s a good idea they’re in contact with him.

I also fell into a terrible trap of give, give, give, burying my own needs and it’s why I’ve had three abusive relationships. I somehow lost myself and fell into this role of my life revolving around pleasing and appeasing them. I’d recommend having a look at the Freedom Programme which outlines what a healthy relationship should look like. It was really eye-opening for me. This is your time now. What makes you happy? Start doing more of it! Pay attention to how someone makes you feel. If someone is consistently making you feel bad then they’re not someone you need in your life.

Aah, @DietCokeAddict19 I was going to ask what was in the long message as I assumed it was either a diatribe of abuse aimed at you or a woe is me message.

I am not sure if you ever said how the end finally came but it was one of those - constant drip drip and eventually you called it a day? I suspect that was a complete surprise to him, notwithstanding him apparently already checking out moving vans. He didn't really want you to end it, he wanted his cushy little life to continue.

I don't think you said if he had been emotionally controlling or abusive during the relationship but he's certainly being manipulative now. It might be worth thinking about what it was that caused yo to pull that final plug - the behaviours you couldn't live with etc and then see if and how he is still applying those behaviours, just in a slightly different form?

You have broken up, why is it on YOU to make HIM feel better? And as you've reminded yourself a few times - it's all about him, not you and not the DC.

It's not easy, of course it's not. But th irony is that there's really no reason to feel sorry for him. Sure, you both might be feeling a bit emotional, but that's not for you to feel guilty about. And it's not like you've kicked him out into the cold and dark with no where to go.

Big hugs @DietCokeAddict19.

What is on the agenda today? Are you working? If not can you take yourself for coffee and cake? Watch a film? If you’re working, let’s make a plan for when you get home.

So your anxiety is sky high to the point of physical symptoms but over what? According to your post it's because of angst over cutting him off. Of feeling guilty because he is hurting.

Oh OP.... where are you in all this? You are placing him front and centre again, and again and again. Not you. Not the children. But him. And yet he hasn't put you in front, or the children, just himself. Again, His needs, his wants, me me me.

As MNers like to say.., did he have a golden cock?

And if you hadn't got there first, he probably would've emptied that account. I very much doubt he’s currently feeling guilty about all the money you lost out on because of him, or anything at all for that matter.

Eurgh. It’s so tough OP. I feel like that £300 at Christmas would make all the difference to you and the kids.

What a vile greedy selfish man that he has so much money in the bank and still wants to take take take from you.

What a chancer. Send him an invoice for rent for all the time he lives at yours rent free, after he pays that you can give him his £110 to pay for the moving costs.

I really think it’s best to shut the door completely and block (and delete his number so you can’t go back).

I understand the guilt you’re feeling because it’s what kept me going back to unhealthy relationships. Especially if they cried. I can’t bear the thought of anyone suffering. But the fact is, he’s a grown man and his feelings aren’t your responsibility. This won’t be the first time a relationship ends for him and it probably won’t be the last.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. The relationship hadn’t been working for a long time and it’s now time to move on and be free. The bad feelings will fade and you’ll start having lovely new experiences in this new chapter of your life. Put yourself first and block him.

Hi op, I see that you are feeling guilty that you haven't paid him any money back. I honestly think it's all yours and you shouldn't be worrying about handing some to him.

To put the matter to close you can message him saying you wil be keeping all the joint account money and utility money as he has benefitted from 5 years of rent free living and making a nice profit on his property while you have sacrificed your benefits to have him living with you rent free. So the money you are keeping is a small token amount as you should have at least asked him to cover the money lost in benefit in the time he's lived with you.

In all honesty, if he was still feeling hard done by, he would have contacted you by now asking for the money again.

This…..

By responding to him, you are showing him he’s getting to you. He is not owed anything, and that money he claims he should have could be used to help support your children. You are not asking him for half the rent he was paid are you?

Just don’t reply. He’s gone you are over no need for any further conversation.

Just stop discussing it with him, OP.

He's got his stuff now, right?

Just block his number and move on.

Tell him it’s gone on bills already and unpaid rent from him over the last however long he lived there. Don’t disadvantage yourself for him even more

Remember that your utilities is an average so you overpay during Summer. If you pay him half now you will leave yourself short over the coldest months.

You don’t owe him anything, but do whatever is going to give you most peace of mind. Think what will make you feel better or your life easier, be that paying him or not.

So it was for bills. I would count it towards end if year statements, changing of house locks, and your time for boxing up his goods and cleaning his toothpaste off the bathroom sink etc. I do get it though as I would think the same and want to give some back especially if it was joint fun money. However it's not, and you have two children to consider. There is a reason why you should not disperse all money from a probate immediately , some has to be retained for unforeseen debt. Maybe keep it back until the annual statements, see what's left and write a cheque then. Give yourself some breathing room...and see if he charges DS for that expensive game!