Page 10 | Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

DietCokeAddict19 · 2023-11-16T20:05:19+00:00

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings. So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220. In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs. I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van. From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 03/12/2023 17:00

AutumnFroglets · 03/12/2023 16:30

Can you remind me why you had the joint account and how much you both put in on a regular basis? If it was for gas, electric, water or council then you haven't had the year's end statements so don't know if he under or over paid. If it was to use for Christmas Dinner and presents for the kids then that's different iyswim.

Out of the joint account came all bills, and occasional meals out (with and without the kids). We paid in equal amounts until about 2 years ago, when he started to pay in slightly more and I couldn't afford to increase my share. So by the end he paid in £550 a month and me £450 a month. There was £700 in the account when we split, plus he's asked for the credit in the gas/electricity. I can't check how much credit (or not) there is as Shell have just been taken over by Octopus and I can't access any info on the app.

I paid for all Christmas presents for the kids myself.

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Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 03/12/2023 16:56

RantyAnty · 03/12/2023 16:24

Don't you dare give him a penny. A guy who used you for his own financial gain.

Be a decent and reasonable person to yourself and your DC first.

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It's such a mind fuck to think that he used me for his own financial gain (which I can see is absolutely true) and read some of the cards he sent me. Was all that lies? I just can't bring myself to believe that.

I feel completely selfish and unfair to not pay him back. Clearly he doesn't feel that way otherwise he wouldn't have taken advantage the way he did, but I feel like a total shit to keep that money.

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AutumnFroglets · 03/12/2023 16:30

Can you remind me why you had the joint account and how much you both put in on a regular basis? If it was for gas, electric, water or council then you haven't had the year's end statements so don't know if he under or over paid. If it was to use for Christmas Dinner and presents for the kids then that's different iyswim.

RantyAnty · 03/12/2023 16:24

DietCokeAddict19 · 03/12/2023 14:35

Oh, and I need to decide if I pay him half the joint account money. I'm really torn on this one. On the one hand he has benefitted SO MUCH living here, and I lost a lot financially. But I could have asked for rent, I could have asked for the money I lost out on tax credits, I could have asked for part of his rental income money, and I never did.

I don't want to play games. I don't want it to be tit for tat.

Regardless of what has happened, I am a decent and reasonable and good person, and though heaven knows I owe him nothing, the type of person that I believe I am (or certainly want to be) would pay the money and hold their head up high. Not for any of the unreasonable stuff he has asked for (half or moving costs, half of the white good etc) - he won't get a penny for that. But half of the joint account money (approx £350) that was left at the end of the month after he moved out.

Don't you dare give him a penny. A guy who used you for his own financial gain.

Be a decent and reasonable person to yourself and your DC first.

Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 03/12/2023 14:35

Oh, and I need to decide if I pay him half the joint account money. I'm really torn on this one. On the one hand he has benefitted SO MUCH living here, and I lost a lot financially. But I could have asked for rent, I could have asked for the money I lost out on tax credits, I could have asked for part of his rental income money, and I never did.

I don't want to play games. I don't want it to be tit for tat.

Regardless of what has happened, I am a decent and reasonable and good person, and though heaven knows I owe him nothing, the type of person that I believe I am (or certainly want to be) would pay the money and hold their head up high. Not for any of the unreasonable stuff he has asked for (half or moving costs, half of the white good etc) - he won't get a penny for that. But half of the joint account money (approx £350) that was left at the end of the month after he moved out.

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Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 03/12/2023 14:17

Trying to clear up the house today. I’ve treated myself to a cleaner next week to get the place looking nicer.

I kept finding little notes that he wrote over the years, and a card saying “I love you with every ounce of my being”.

Ugh this is so hard.

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Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 02/12/2023 18:43

AutumnFroglets · 02/12/2023 15:13

It feels very quiet during the weekends when the kids are with their dad and it's just me home alone for 5 days.
This is when you put the radio on, even if it's only background chatting like The Archers rather than a music station. Men tend to fill any space they find, physically and psychologically. They expand far more than women or children, although children can hold their own in the noise department. You are probably missing the dog too, especially since she would have had feeding and walking routines.

You will soon settle and expand into that spare space now it's vacant. It's yours now, fill it with whatever you like

Yes I often have the radio on anyway, or the TV.

I do miss the dog and I've contacted a pet rescue today about a cat. Def not up for another dog in the house!

I picked up a sideboard today that needs sanding down and repainting and the cushion needs reupholstering (I've never done any of this before!) so I've got myself a project as well to be getting on with.

The spare space feels weird. And I think I lost myself so much in the relationship I no longer know what I like at all.

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AutumnFroglets · 02/12/2023 15:13

It feels very quiet during the weekends when the kids are with their dad and it's just me home alone for 5 days.
This is when you put the radio on, even if it's only background chatting like The Archers rather than a music station. Men tend to fill any space they find, physically and psychologically. They expand far more than women or children, although children can hold their own in the noise department. You are probably missing the dog too, especially since she would have had feeding and walking routines.

You will soon settle and expand into that spare space now it's vacant. It's yours now, fill it with whatever you like

Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 02/12/2023 12:59

Well it's almost been a month since he left - where has that time gone?!

I'm missing him today. Stupid, I know. Wasting time trying to work out if he was actually telling the truth and really was a genuine and nice person, or if my assessment about him had been right.

It doesn't even matter any more as it's over. I suppose I'm feeling the loss of him in my life when he was such a bit part of it. It feels very quiet during the weekends when the kids are with their dad and it's just me home alone for 5 days.

I'm trying to focus on making the house nice and the way the kids and I would like it. Selling some old bits for some extra Christmas money. Trying to be kind to myself that it's ok to not be productive all of the time.

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RantyAnty · 30/11/2023 20:30

DietCokeAddict19 · 30/11/2023 14:20

I don’t know why he contacted DS and not me. It’s either a clear message that he doesn’t want to talk to me any more, or game playing. He sent DS a login to be able to access the sports channel that he said we could still use, but then today he has ended the Netflix subscription that he also said we could still use, so it feels more like a game. I think the best solution is to get our own sports subscription so we are no longer connected at all - I don’t want to feel he has some sort of hold over me because I’m using his tv subscriptions.

Re the kids, my DS1 has asd and I don’t think would be able to cope with suggestions of what he is/isn’t allowed to talk about. That would be too much stress for him.

You need to get your own subscriptions and block this twat everywhere including your kid's phones.

Any accounts, subscription, apple id, gpay, find my phone, devices, completely log out of everything and then change your passwords.

He's manipulative enough to use your children to get some type of revenge on you.

RantyAnty · 30/11/2023 20:26

NotLactoseFree · 30/11/2023 13:11

I disagree that you should be telling your children not to have contact with him. They're not toddlers. If he can maintain a vague relationship which then just naturally dies, fine.

It is fine though to tell them that they should not be talking about family things, you, finances etc. It's all about learning what's appropriate.

I disagree.

He's proven himself to be a bad, manipulative, user. I wouldn't want my children anywhere near him

NotLactoseFree · 30/11/2023 15:29

Aaah, okay, so that is absolutely about control. The turning channels/streaming services on and off is, I think, a classic 21st century tactic. Wouldn't have worked back in the day! .

I'd agree with that though - just 100% get yourself completely unentangled financially. Then that solves some of the risk.

I get that it might be hard if DS has ASD, but I think you can start having conversations with him about how now that you don't all live together he doesn't get an opinion on what happens in your house and doesn't need to share things like passwords and access to things. And see how it develops.

Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 30/11/2023 14:20

I don’t know why he contacted DS and not me. It’s either a clear message that he doesn’t want to talk to me any more, or game playing. He sent DS a login to be able to access the sports channel that he said we could still use, but then today he has ended the Netflix subscription that he also said we could still use, so it feels more like a game. I think the best solution is to get our own sports subscription so we are no longer connected at all - I don’t want to feel he has some sort of hold over me because I’m using his tv subscriptions.

Re the kids, my DS1 has asd and I don’t think would be able to cope with suggestions of what he is/isn’t allowed to talk about. That would be too much stress for him.

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NotLactoseFree · 30/11/2023 13:11

I disagree that you should be telling your children not to have contact with him. They're not toddlers. If he can maintain a vague relationship which then just naturally dies, fine.

It is fine though to tell them that they should not be talking about family things, you, finances etc. It's all about learning what's appropriate.

AutumnFroglets · 29/11/2023 23:15

I think you need to sit the children down and tell them they shouldn't be in contact with Ex. It is weird behaviour. Even a lot of involved step fathers don't keep in touch after a split and ex certainly wasn't a parent to them. Just explain you and ex didn't really split up on good terms and you feel really uncomfortable with them talking to him. He's not coming back, they won't see him again, he lives far away, so what is the point.

Why did he contact ds1 about a household financial matter? That was out of line.

Feministwoman · 29/11/2023 23:09

I'd be wary that DS will inadvertently be used by Ex to gain "inside" knowledge of your life without him.

And, if YOU don't want that, you quite reasonably can tell your children not to communicate with Ex any more.

He is not their father, or step father and you've said he wasn't actually very involved in their lives, I think?

Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 29/11/2023 21:16

Oh actually it seems ex contacted DS1 first (about the tv subscription)

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Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 29/11/2023 21:09

Kids back with me today after a couple of days with their dad. Was putting DS2 to bed and came back in the lounge to find DS1 has been texting ex about the dog. Ex had been replying. DS1 seems happy enough.

really struggling to know what to do for the best here.

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Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 28/11/2023 20:10

NotLactoseFree · 28/11/2023 18:25

I think absolutely see what the kids want to do and be guided by that. But you need to start warning them that unfortunately, it seems he's not terribly reliable and is not likely to maintain a positive relationship as he's been pretty unpleasant to you.

I see no reason to block unless you really need to. But that doesn't mean you have to respond or justify. Of course, the thumbs up emoji was also created for exactly this situation.

I did debate the thumbs up emoji!! I haven't responded at all and I don't think I will. Not much left to say to that, is there?!

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NotLactoseFree · 28/11/2023 18:25

I think absolutely see what the kids want to do and be guided by that. But you need to start warning them that unfortunately, it seems he's not terribly reliable and is not likely to maintain a positive relationship as he's been pretty unpleasant to you.

I see no reason to block unless you really need to. But that doesn't mean you have to respond or justify. Of course, the thumbs up emoji was also created for exactly this situation.

Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 28/11/2023 17:19

AntonFeckoff · 28/11/2023 15:20

So glad it's over with @DietCokeAddict19. No contact is definitely the way forward. Personally I would block him and delete his number. In a few months (or even weeks) from now you'll barely give him a second thought. A man like that is not worth your time or headspace.

I don’t know if blocking feels a bit passive aggressive as it will be clear on WhatsApp that I’ve blocked him (as my photo will disappear, I think). I’ll have a think about it. If he starts contacting me then I think I would be more tempted to block - I don’t think he will but who knows. You are right that he’s not worth my headspace. Time to focus on me and the kids and making the house ours.

First step - buying the crockery from ikea what me and the kids wanted to get and he said he didn’t like, so we didn’t.

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Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 28/11/2023 17:15

NotLactoseFree · 28/11/2023 15:12

You're supposed to feel guilty and upset by the "done. bye" text. Don't. Just ignore him now.

If the kids want to contact him, they can. it's very unlikely he'll respond positively.

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I’ve read the text but not replied.

Maybe I can say to the kids that they can contact him if they want but I don’t want anything to do with him now. I want to try and protect them from being disappointed but maybe I can’t?

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AntonFeckoff · 28/11/2023 15:20

So glad it's over with @DietCokeAddict19. No contact is definitely the way forward. Personally I would block him and delete his number. In a few months (or even weeks) from now you'll barely give him a second thought. A man like that is not worth your time or headspace.

NotLactoseFree · 28/11/2023 15:12

DietCokeAddict19 · 28/11/2023 15:09

The more I think about it, the more I think having no contact will be better. He has picked up his stuff and sent a text saying “Done. Bye.”

I’ve felt so anxious today knowing that he was coming to get his things - I hadn’t felt that anxiety for days. So it’s not helping me at all being in contact. It’s difficult to be able to honour what the kids would like to do, if they would like to contact him, and the fact that I want nothing more to do with him. Feels a bit unfair to overrule them

You're supposed to feel guilty and upset by the "done. bye" text. Don't. Just ignore him now.

If the kids want to contact him, they can. it's very unlikely he'll respond positively.

Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 28/11/2023 15:09

The more I think about it, the more I think having no contact will be better. He has picked up his stuff and sent a text saying “Done. Bye.”

I’ve felt so anxious today knowing that he was coming to get his things - I hadn’t felt that anxiety for days. So it’s not helping me at all being in contact. It’s difficult to be able to honour what the kids would like to do, if they would like to contact him, and the fact that I want nothing more to do with him. Feels a bit unfair to overrule them

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