To not forgive?

She doesn't want forgiveness because she isn't sorry, she wants you to simply forget. She sounds absolutely awful and I would continue with NC.

I remember you posting before @Rattymcratty.

You did nothing wrong and I believe that you are right to not forgive. Flowers don’t change what she did, in fact it’s quite insulting! She hasn’t apologised, she hasn’t even recognised that what she did is wrong.

I imagine that an awful lot more would come out about her should your Dh seek therapy.

I think it’s safe to say you will regret it if you do forgive her. Ultimately she over shadowed and ruined your wedding. She hasn’t apologised, doesn’t seem sorry and fundamentally hasn’t changed. Bet if / when you have children this will ramp her up and she will try to get very controlling yet again

Wow.

I couldn't forgive that: the stated refusal to come. The dictate that your DH's brothers couldn't come. The statement that Dh would be disinherited for not doing what his mother wanted. For HIS wedding.

Wow, just wow.

They sound like a group of people your DH may need therapy to 'escape' ... that is not a healthy family dynamic.

Absolutely no forgiveness from me for this. And my dh wouldn’t be my dh for long if he wanted me to either…

You can’t have a normal relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

I would not forgive her behaviour (personally I think it’s inexcusable).

In time I may forget it and the painful memories with ease.

She doesn’t want you to forgive she wants you to forget.

I agree with this.

*
Meant ti say after 30 odd years my MIL - at the end of her life.

Fuck that. You've every right to the way you feel. I have a similar MIL. If I'd been less naive (I was a very young 23), I'd have done the same. It took me years to stand up for myself and feel I fully had DH's support.

She even tried it with DS who is getting married next year. He made it clear that as grandma she was invited and welcome but it was their day and if she didn't support their wishes they'd understand her not wanting to attend.

THIS

She's a Control Freak who is trying to worm her way back into your lives (to regain control of your lives )

Don't let her ....

Forgive - yes.

But don't forget

And don't let her back in your life ...ever.

Get dh off to therapy asap.

Emotional manipulation, lies , victim,
No self awareness- ever .....

Now at the end of her life , NONE of her children like her......rarely visit....some not at all....

What a legacy...... sad really.

Forgiveness looks like this :

You have a very happy life , and never, ever give her a single thought.

Complete in-difference.

You don't need to forgive, you shouldn't forget. You can, however, put it to one side if you want to. If you don't want to, that should be ok too. In your place, I would (and did) go NC (similar wedding sabotage). DH can do whatever he likes - it's his mother after all. And I would (and did) let him decide re DC.

Like others I think the 'forgiveness' is a red herring. It's more she still doesn't seem to see her behaviour as not ok and that doesn't bode well for her behaviour in the future. It sounds like she wants you to move on and to not be curious/have a discussion about why on earth she behaved in such an awful way.
It's tricky, but I'd be lead by DH. I sure as heck wouldn't trust her ever

@Rattymcratty Nah!! I cannot believe your hubby started speaking to them again!!! after what she did and what they threatened to do and resorting to blackmail with your hubby's brothers, I would have totally cut them right out of you and your hubby's lives for ever!! they do not deserve to meet any grandchildren either!!! she is an absolute fruitcake!! did she not realise that while she planned her wedding with her mother then it should also be your mother, not her, helping?? did her mother in law help plan her wedding??

I couldn't forgive until Mil and Fil understood how much upset they caused and apologised to you and DH. No apology no forgiveness from me but I'd be happy for DH to have a relationship with them, just keep them away from me. YANBU OP.

@Aria999 has nailed it 👆

After reading why, no, I wouldn't forgive and forget.

Tbh she's just following her usual tact, she's trying to bully you into forgiving her. She doesn't sound truly remorseful. Just wants her own way again

It is hard to forgive someone who doesn't acknowledge they have done you wrong.

I think the only way to do so is to think less of them. You acknowledge that they are not really capable of behaving any other way. Not fully morally responsible. Not a true adult in some way.

As such you could forgive them as you might forgive a dog for snarling at you but you could never be friends.

No I wouldn't forgive her for ruining my wedding. She sounds absolutely batshit and I wouldn't be having any contact with her at all

I don’t think your MIL actually wants your forgiveness. She just wants everything to be more comfortable for her.

@GrumpyOldCrone has nailed it.

Sorry, but no. I couldn't forgive her. Your special day, and SHE ruined it.
I'd be done with her.

I don’t think your MIL actually wants your forgiveness. She just wants everything to be more comfortable for her.

Forgiveness is meaningless unless the person in the wrong expresses regret and tries to put things right. Your MIL isn’t doing that. Instead, she’s minimising your experience. The flowers were just an attempt at manipulation because she’s still saying you’re stubborn.

I would not be able to forgive in these circumstances, and I would not be interested in having any kind of relationship with her.

No way in hell would I forgive that. I never understand the comments about 'what if you have children'. If you love your kids, you do not subject them to bat shit people willingly, even if they're related. Your dh is his own person, if he wants to inflict that nutter on himself, that's his choice. For your sanity, I'd leave her where she chose to be, out in the cold.

FWIW, dh and I have not seen my batshit mother in law for 16 years, bloody bliss. And ds doesn't miss her and cant remember her. Thank god.

We dumped mil for good when she tried interfering in our wedding plans. Been over 8 years of nc. No regrets at all. Imo your dh just wants a quiet life... He should have your back unreservedly... Yabu to even contemplating making her part of your life again op.

Sounds like you are way better off with her out of your life.

We had a similar experience with ils
DH talks to his mum but is low contact. I will never have contact with her again. You aren’t obliged to forgive anyone and in your situation I wouldn’t either