To not forgive?

Your DH should also be NC with them after their behaviour. But if he chooses to see them that 100% should not be I'm your house, it is your sanctuary. Personally I'd be in when they came, give them a piece of my mind, and use that as the opportunity to bsm them from entering your home ever again. Tell DH also to not pass on the messages- tough shit if they harass him about you, it's his choice to interact with them, he doesn't have to, parents or not.

Fuck no, I would never forgive her. Some remorse might be a start, but she isn’t even showing that! If your DH wants to see her (why? Can’t believe he can forgive her either) that’s up to him, but I would never speak to her again. She’s a psychopath, and sounds quite scary actually.

I too would say she never sets foot in your home.

I would be asking DH why he chose you just to renegade on that decision.

This post says it all. Keep that woman away from our child and out of your house.

It's really disrespectful of your DH to let her into your home when you feel this way. My husband's mother would never be allowed into our home. It's not fair on you to feel so uncomfortable in your own home. If DH still wants contact with her, then he needs to meet her with DD outside of what should be your safe space.

After what has occurred, I would not want her either in my home or near my child.
She wanted your husband to choose between the two of you.
A lot of women would have rethought marrying him.
Stay strong and tell your husband to keep her the hell away from you.
She neither cares nor respects you or her son. This is about dominance, control and power.
If she continues to disrespect your wishes, I would be telling your husband you would like to move.
She is a poisonous presence in your life and she wouldn't be near my children.
She ruined your wedding with her batshit behaviour, there is no coming back from that.

That is the other option @AppelationStation but it only works as long as MIL plays nice

I've heard it said that forgiveness is not a selfless act. You do it for yourself.

This is in no way a brag and I'm not trying to sounds smug. My MIL did something I consider to be of a similar magnitude, not with our wedding but when our first child was born. It was an awful, stressful time and she made it substantially worse. It took me a long time but for my own sanity I have, outwardly at least, forgiven her. We chat, hug, and people would say we get on well. I don't get angry when I think about it any more.

BUT I will never, ever, forget what she did. I will never trust her beyond the level of basic niceties. And I'm very ready to stand up to her next time she's bat shit and DCs are in the cross fire. She sowed me who she was and I see her.

You don't need her to agree with your perspective one what she did, because ultimately you don't respect her opinion. You just need to keep her in her box and get on with your life. I think that's what forgiveness looks like sometimes.

Even God only forgives you if you repent of your sins 🤣

I still feel like if it bothers her she could start with a proper apology!

Hell would freeze over before I'd forgive any of that shit.

And your DH...sorry but he's failing you. If his mother starts saying stuff about you he should have your back and tell her to stop/that he's not interested and remind her why you don't want to have anything to do with her. If he is unable to do that himself, he needs to get some counselling so that he does have the tools/skills to chat back.

The blame lies at her door and she needs to be told, once and for all, that her behaviour was/is disgusting. That you don't want your DD being anywhere near someone that toxic.

God, what an odious woman she is.

Oh fuck all that. Your Dh and your kid should never meet her again

I'm a mental health professional and I think she's a fucking narcissistic fruit loop

Drop kick her

'If he started with "My mother said...." I'd look him straight in the eye and say "I don't want to hear a single word she said". And I'd shut down any conversation firmly. If need be, I'd walk away into another room. Rinse and repeat.

She's using your DH as a flying monkey.'

Absolutely spot on, and very good advice

OP, your DH is still completely enmeshed in this toxic dynamic with his mother. You can't always just pull yourself out of it without professional support. You do need to put your foot down though and make it clear that you're not listening to any more of her poison

As you say, she made her bed, she lies in it

I don’t blame you for going NC and I certainly wouldn’t be contemplating having anything to do with them

i would simply write a very factual letter, detailing what you said here, ie her interfering and causing issues in planning the wedding, that you were paying for, she made dh chose which led to the cancellation of the wedding you wanted, and you were pregnant at the time. That at no point has she made any effort to apologise for her atrocious behaviour, and it’s to late now, she has shown her true colours and you want nothing to do with someone like her, explain how she made you feel that your dh was incredibly upset etc. I would finish it that she made her beds etc etc. If it’s in black and white she can’t dispute it

then leave it to your dh to decide if and when he wants contact and if that includes your child

The way I see it you’re ultimately getting the worst of both worlds at the moment. You didn’t get the wedding you wanted. And your husbands relationship with his mum and dad are being affected anyway

Obviously I’m not saying you should forgive and forget. But reflect on what you and your husband want. You don’t get to choose your parents and can’t necessarily change their behaviour. But perhaps you can accept they’re manipulative and manage the situation better… knowing he wants them in his life and that here not going to live forever. And obviously with siblings to being caught in the cross hairs.

Would your DH consider some counselling? He really needs it and it should be priority for the sake of your family.

I’d shut down any relaying of info by your DH, as soon as he starts with “mum said…” tell him to stop, you don’t want to hear it.

Hell would freeze over before my child would be in that woman’s company, as a PP said, it won’t be long before MIL starts with “oh isn’t nasty mummy mean because x y z”.

Just read your update.
Once again she is putting the blame on your reaction, rather than the multiple actions of hers that caused your reaction. The fact she is trying to say you have psychological problems screams that she’s a massive narcissist. That’s what they do - double down and accuse you of mental health problems.
If she knew how to love she would respect your decision and stop putting pressure on your DH to force you to tolerate her.
Seeing your baby every 6 weeks is more than enough, and I think she is extremely lucky to be getting that. In your shoes I wouldn’t let her near your baby because as soon as your child is old enough to understand your MIL will likely start dripping poison into their ear about you. I know this from bitter experience. All done in that annoyingly passive aggressive way of ‘isn’t mummy mean not letting you sleep at my house’, ‘isn’t mummy mean for not letting you eat the whole of that giant bar of chocolate in one go before bed’. Be warned.

If your DH chooses to subject himself to his mother's rants about you that's his choice. But I would tell him that from now on he keeps it to himself. If he started with "My mother said...." I'd look him straight in the eye and say "I don't want to hear a single word she said". And I'd shut down any conversation firmly. If need be, I'd walk away into another room. Rinse and repeat.

She's using your DH as a flying monkey. And he's allowing her to abuse you through him. Don't think for a second that she doesn't know exactly what she's doing and the effect it has on you. And on him.

Your DH is in serious need of counseling.

Why is your DH still having contact? I get that they’re his parents but their behaviour proves them unworthy of his commitment to them. I certainly wouldn’t be happy with them having any contact with my children based on their emotionally abusive behaviour and derogatory comments about you.

I've only read your posts OP, but honestly I couldn't forgive someone like that.

To say that to her own son and also alienate him from his siblings because she wanted to basically plan his wedding is pathetic, she can't love her children if she's willing to do that.

I would stay NC and honestly I'm not sure I would want my child(ren) in her company.

This issue is not of your making, it is not for you to resolve.

And that was the right choice for you and luckily it sounds as if your DH chose you over his mother.

But the OP can decide that she will have absolutely NO relationship with her MiL whilst telling her DH that he can have whatever relationship he chooses, provided that the relationship does not impact her.

By that I mean that he keeps anything she says absolutely to himself and that he remembers that nothing gets planned around his mother (holidays, trips, etc). If he can't agree and keep to that, then I agree, the marriage would be over.

Children would be a difficult issue. If together, OP might be able to control/limit the time around MiL. If they divorce, she has absolutely no control over that.

Nope, I wouldn't be forgiving that, and I'd be making it very clear to my husband that I'd have nothing to do with MIL after that.

This is exactly what I was thinking. You may or may not have children in the future, but I wouldn't want any of that nightmare around them.