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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not forgive?

213 replies

Rattymcratty · 15/11/2023 16:22

This may be more of a philosophical question than your usual aibu. Well it’s regarding my MIL so maybe it is your regular AIBU!

What is forgiveness? What does forgiveness look like? Does everyone deserve it?

Essentially MIL wants me to ‘forgive and forget’ to move on with family life. She’s constantly mentioning to DH that I’m stubborn, need to have forgiveness, soften up, need to build a bridge, ‘let us put it all behind us’ and ‘forgive and forget’. She really wronged us both, she feels she did nothing wrong, DH went NC for 6 months and I haven’t ‘came around’.

She’s asked DH what she can say/do for me to forgive her which to me defeats the object of wanting forgiveness. She’s brought me flowers and tried to break the ice but I honestly want nothing to do with her. She’s never offered an apology, not reflected that she did any wrong doing and at best only tried to justify her actions.

How can I forgive when she has zero remorse nor took any accountability for what she has done?

OP posts:
redastherose · 17/12/2024 23:37

Rattymcratty · 17/12/2024 22:54

I received another message today saying how lovely would it be for us all to spend Xmas together as a family, a fresh start for the new year and to put the past behind us etc. ‘Jesus taught us to forgive’ for good measure.

The last six messages I’ve ignored over the past two years. Tonight I replied how I refuse to brush everything under the carpet, she’s never offered an apology and she should be happy that she still has contact with DD.

I do feel bad for DH as I’m sure she’ll make his life a misery for the next few weeks but I have just had enough for turning the other cheek.

If she was genuinely interested in having a fresh start with you she'd have apologised long ago to both of you and would be doing everything she could to make it up to you. Instead she constantly makes passive aggressive jibes at you and takes snipes at you.

Your DH should have some counselling and go extremely low contact with them. Sometimes family are just not nice people.

Kirstyshine · 17/12/2024 23:10

Good for you!

Original poster
Rattymcratty · 17/12/2024 22:54

I received another message today saying how lovely would it be for us all to spend Xmas together as a family, a fresh start for the new year and to put the past behind us etc. ‘Jesus taught us to forgive’ for good measure.

The last six messages I’ve ignored over the past two years. Tonight I replied how I refuse to brush everything under the carpet, she’s never offered an apology and she should be happy that she still has contact with DD.

I do feel bad for DH as I’m sure she’ll make his life a misery for the next few weeks but I have just had enough for turning the other cheek.

OP posts:
LaughingLouise · 02/11/2024 07:11

Forgiveness comes when it's deserved.

When the person of wrong doing owns their actions and makes moves to apologise and correct their wrong doing.

This is why you are struggling

LongLongLiveLove · 02/11/2024 00:35

Lottapianos · 15/11/2023 16:35

'Essentially MIL wants me to ‘forgive and forget’ to move on with family life'

Well it sounds like that would make life much easier for her. You, however, feel differently

Your post is really interesting about the nature of forgiveness. In my experience, forgiveness isn't a switch you can just choose to flick. It might be a place that you get to, but if you do, it has to happen organically. You may well have a lot of pain and anger and other difficult feelings to process first. People sometimes put pressure on others to forgive because it's easier for them, assuages their guilt and they feel that they can 'move on', but you are entitled to your own feelings about the situation

I can totally understand your feelings because it sounds like, for you, she hasn't taken any responsibility so nothing has actually been repaired

Lottapianos, I agree with this. It takes time to process it all. That said, one can choose to forgive intellectually and through an act of will but the feelings won't neccessarily follow, if you see what I mean?

TiramisuThief · 02/11/2024 00:34

I wouldn't allow such a toxic, selfish witch to step foot in my house OP.

Can you move away?

itsmylife7 · 02/11/2024 00:30

I think you're an angel OP. I truly think I'd have told my husband to choose your Mum or me.

I can't believe your husband is still allowing this to go on.

You're a much better person than me.

And NO I'd never forgive her behaviour.

Aria999 · 02/11/2024 00:09

Instead of ignoring her you could reply to every overture (would you like some tomato plants) with 'no thank you, actually what I would like would be a genuine apology'

Except maybe you have got past wanting that and just want not to see her

Opentooffers · 01/11/2024 23:01

You lost me at "crying for hours in the foetal position" . You lost the wedding you wanted and can never get that back, he got his mum back. I'd say he's a mummy's boy, which would of turned me right off.

Ellie56 · 01/11/2024 22:52

I think you need to consider moving far away from these toxic people. That way your ghastly MIL can't do any more harm to your DH and God forbid can't start on your daughter.

And as PP said your poor DH needs therapy.

TheHateIsNotGood · 01/11/2024 22:47

There will always be a line that ultimately defines the 'unforgiveable'. A mere MIL hardly defines that. Given how even statistically you're very likely to have more than one MIL in your life, I'd save all your anger for the actual real 'transgressors' who you will very probably come across instead.

BirthdayRainbow · 01/11/2024 22:40

It's time for you to make dh chose between you and them.

Maybe not but bloody hell.

CraftyYankee · 01/11/2024 22:32

Any progress on therapy for your DH? Nothing is going to change until he sees the situation clearly.

That last sentence is vile, what was his reaction to it?

roadrager · 01/11/2024 21:33

Where is your DH at with all this?

And what did his brothers say?

Jhgdsd · 01/11/2024 21:22

How much energy are you wasting on his awful family?

Original poster
Rattymcratty · 01/11/2024 20:00

Jumping back onto this thread. I’ve got a lot of negative/angry emotions tonight.

A family member asked when are PIL going to see DD again. I made comment along the lines of ‘hopefully never’ and the reply was I can’t swerve them forever/going to get awkward when DD asks for them.

This comment was from the same family member who advised us to pull the plug before we wasted anymore money on the wedding. She knows all the shit that MIL has done pretending she was in hospital for 24 hours when we left for our honeymoon but have no information so DH presumed the worst etc.

The same MIL who caused an argument with DH when she found out I had a small bbq birthday party over the summer as she was very hurt that they had been excluded. They tried to get DH to promise that they would never miss another ‘family’ party.

Or, that she caused a huge fuss on DD first birthday as she was only available for an hour, but didn’t communicate that with DH and was furious that we couldn’t accommodate her last minute in that tiny time frame in the middle of the day. Then tried to bait an argument about Xmas when she wasn’t getting her way dh refused to let her play the victim.

And then it’s a ‘would be nice for OP to join us for a meal out’. I just want to yell:

I WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE A RECEPTION DINNER BUT YOU FUCKING RUINED IT ALL.

Also, the woman has barely learnt a single thing. I’m obviously the wicked wife turning DH away from her and the sooner I come around the better. I don’t want her sinking her venomous claws into DD. If she’s still not playing ball whilst she has to be on best behaviour, god knows what she’s going to be like once she’s sunk into DD and can turn her against us she’s already ‘told’ DD that Nanny would love to see her everyday but her nasty mummy and daddy is keeping her away.

OP posts:
funbags3 · 27/05/2024 22:34

@Rattymcratty How did the visit go?

JurassicFantastic · 26/05/2024 00:50

I know its a mumsnet trope but you don't (just) have a MIL problem - you have a DH problem.

Your MIL hasn't changed - she is still being rude and disrespectful about you. And your DH is not only allowing that to happen but is allowing it yo happen in your house and is putting you in a position where you need to sneak about your own house feeling uncomfortable. Your DH knows that your mum is behaving like this to you and is allowing it.

I have to be honest - if I was in your shoes and your DH didn't tell her she wasn't welcome in the house - OF HIS OWN VOLITION - I'd be getting out of that marriage.

BobbyBiscuits · 26/05/2024 00:47

You did the right thing having your own intimate wedding without their involvement.
They are toxic and horrible.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/05/2024 00:04

@Rattymcratty

It is a hard thing when it's a family home. Do you have the right to 'ban' your MiL from 'his home'? Does he have the right to 'admit' his mother into 'your home'? Neither of you really has more 'rights' than the other when it comes to visitors. I honestly don't think there's a solution to that part of the problem. I'm not saying that your DH shouldn't be more on your side in this, but apparently that's not going to happen.

I think if it were me I'd absent myself and I'd take DD with me, every single time. In fact, I might even tell my DH that DD & I were getting a room for the night to be sure there was no 'interaction'. As far as the food shop, no I wouldn't do anything that would put me where she could walk in on me and force an 'interaction'. The last thing you want is her blocking you in where you can't get away from her.

As far as her texts, she should be blocked on ALL your communications. If she created a new profile on SM for the express purpose of contacting you, block her. I'm not on SM, but could you report her to the SM website saying she's attempting to contact you through their site after being told by you not to contact you?

Pootle23 · 25/05/2024 23:31

Just seen your reply. I would go do the food shop and take DD with you.

Surely DH can go to their house if he wants to see them. I wouldn’t want them in my home ever.

Pootle23 · 25/05/2024 23:28

I wouldn’t forgive that behaviour.

They are horrible people.

I feel sad for you and your DH.

They ruined your wedding! That is disgraceful.

Cherrysoup · 25/05/2024 22:47

Why does she get to come to your house? If Dh wants to see her, he can go there. How come she gets to chase you out of your own home? Tell Dh to go see her. Does she see dd? I’d be taking her to visit friends/your family. She is deluded (mh issues?) if she thinks you’re just going to get over it and thinks YOU have issues! Cheeky bitch! Be firm, @Rattymcratty and tell your Dh to man up.

Ellie56 · 25/05/2024 21:54

And I wouldn't be having any texts from her. I'd block her for all eternity.

Ellie56 · 25/05/2024 21:53

After what she did, she wouldn't be setting foot in my house, and you shouldn't be having to sneak around or be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

If your DH wants to see her (why??) he can see the bitch in her own house.