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Original poster

Incessant sex banter at work

115 replies

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 15/11/2023 11:42

It's not even funny the first time, never mind the same 'joke' being resurrected and commented on over and over again,

The office is a mix of men and women who I get on really well with, and it's one of the women who instigates most of it. Most of the time I really like her and she's even recently been to a hospital appointment with me on her day off as it was something a bit worrying. Anyway, she also has a very mischievous dirty side and she will challenge the men as to what they would do to another female colleague for a million pounds. The target of this is a larger lady, notoriously grumpy, who everyone takes the piss out of incessantly. The woman in question is off today so they've all got free rein. Today's examples are comments on her day off with the dog and a jar of peanut butter...and she is asking one of the other girls if she would have lesbian sex with her for a million. All the men roaring with laughter and encouraging more. Meanwhile, I am in the corner trying to get on with my work and a couple of them pipe up with, "well ask AlwaysTheGoodGirl if she'd do it, don't leave her out!" Oh, as well as "nobody ever asks Always if she's got any batteries lying around." Just stuff like that, pointing out that I'm too delicate for such talk. So not only am I sick to the back teeth of this banter, I get singled out and patronised for being too delicate.

I can't go to anyone, it's a small business and we all muck in together, and the boss is one of the instigators a lot of the time. Am I being over sensitive?

I also feel awful for the woman who is always the butt of the jokes. She doesn't deserve this much disrespect.

OP posts:
Cattenberg · 15/11/2023 12:29

Yes, it’s easy to be “the world champion of patience” if you’re not the target of the bullying.

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/11/2023 12:28

Please OP - I know you want an easy life but I completely agree with @myotherkidisacassowary. This is not a virtue.

myotherkidisacassowary · 15/11/2023 12:27

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 15/11/2023 12:23

@SuitYouSir I agree, some of it feels disturbing. My heart was racing today.

I put up with it because I the world champion of patience. I always have been. If you have seen any of my other posts about my home situation, you'll see it there too. Excessive patience is my downfall.

I like how you're reframing this as ‘patience’, as if it’s a virtue to be too cowardly to stand up to bullies.

myotherkidisacassowary · 15/11/2023 12:25

Your colleagues are revolting, misogynistic bullies engaging in the sexual harassment of a colleague. If you don’t report them, you’re complicit.

Cattenberg · 15/11/2023 12:23

I’ve worked for a couple of small companies in the past, and although staff members would occasionally bitch and gossip about each other, it was nothing like the stuff in your OP. I think what’s happening in your office is not normal and completely unacceptable.

I don’t know why you like your colleagues - they are gross, immature bullies. As the boss is one of the instigators, I would find another job elsewhere.

Celticliving · 15/11/2023 12:23

I've already commented on this but I feel strongly, so wanted to add further comments.

Please, please be an advocate for this lady. Please stand up and say to them all "this is not acceptable. It's behaviour like this that ruins lives. If she overheard you, she would be devastated. It could badly affect her mental health. It might drive her to harm herself. Do you want that on your back for the rest of your life?".

Original poster
AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 15/11/2023 12:23

@SuitYouSir I agree, some of it feels disturbing. My heart was racing today.

I put up with it because I the world champion of patience. I always have been. If you have seen any of my other posts about my home situation, you'll see it there too. Excessive patience is my downfall.

OP posts:
SuitYouSir · 15/11/2023 12:19

This is disgusting to the point of actually being disturbing. If I had to be present during this sort of conversation I would honestly feel like throwing up.

I would have to say something or leave. I don’t know how you put up with it.

Original poster
AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 15/11/2023 12:19

My old boss retired about a year ago, and he was the father of one of the women in the office, so there was very little of this in the past as is would be embarrassing for both of them. Saying that, even he would be inappropriate at times. But now it's like a year 7 class with no teacher, all unleashed and going wild.

I've no doubt they do talk about me when I'm not here, even though they all say they would never do that when I have half jokingly asked whether they do.

I've just made the teas for everyone, I enjoy doing it for a break from my desk, and everyone is so nice and "aw thanks, Always, you're a star" etc etc and I think why can't it just be like this all the time? I like a laugh, and we do have a laugh and I join in, but then this totally unfunny crap will always make an appearance at some point.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 15/11/2023 12:18

/sexual harassment

Whataretheodds · 15/11/2023 12:18

Keep records of everything.
Look for a new job.
Then claim for constructive dismissal

LoobyDop · 15/11/2023 12:17

If you get on with them in other ways and don’t want to leave, just bloody talk to them. Tell them they’ve gone too far, it’s cruel, it makes you uncomfortable, and please can they stop.

GCAcademic · 15/11/2023 12:16

It never ceases to amaze me what goes on in some of these small companies. I never want to work somewhere that doesn't have an HR department.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 15/11/2023 12:15

I'm in a male dominated industry and it happens very occasionally here but I soon shut it down.

Can't believe you've been there 13 years and listened to this every day and not said anything/not walked out

Tinkerbyebye · 15/11/2023 12:14

ask them how they would feel if it was their family member being spoke. About in this way, their wife, daughter,sister etc

its totally unnecessary and does border on bullying. How mortifying for the person as the butt of the ‘jokez’

i would also say you don’t want to hear it, or join in with it, and it stops in your presence

RaspberrSeed · 15/11/2023 12:12

It does happen in other workplaces. Usually smaller businesses where the culture is created or allowed by the owner and there’s no scrutiny from a HR department. Still common in industries like construction and related services. It’s really hard to challenge if you are in the minority- it’s absolutely unacceptable without a doubt and your colleague could and should take action against the company.

in your shoes I’d say calmly that I’m not comfortable being unkind to someone else and won’t be joining in, would find another job and encourage your poor colleague to do the same.

Aguinnessplease · 15/11/2023 12:11

How would you wish your children to behave if confronted with others bullying a classmate? Exactly - it’s time to be brave and call it out. Chances are most of your colleagues don’t particularly enjoy joining in, more that they’re cowardly and do so because of good old peer pressure. Be the one who makes the difference. You’ll feel good afterwards.

Swimeveryday · 15/11/2023 12:06

I’d tell the woman of all their jokes to leave a recorder on when she is off. A few thousand in compensation might make them more respectable people.

neverbeenskiing · 15/11/2023 12:05

I just wondered if this goes on in other work places?

This kind of behaviour, even as a one off, would have resulted in formal investigation and serious disciplinary action in any of the places I've worked, and I've had a lot of jobs!

CatOnTheCludgy · 15/11/2023 12:04

It definitely does not go on in other workplaces. It did 20 years ago, but thankfully we have moved on. It sounds like your company hasn't.
If there's no HR and it's only you not taking part in the bullying then I think you just have to look for another job to go to.
And tell them when you leave that that's why.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/11/2023 12:02

No, this doesn’t generally happen in other work-places. I’m retired now but throughout my working life, employed by large international firms and small privately-owned businesses, I have never encountered such vile bullying. A bit of gentle joshing, some light-hearted double-entendre inferences is the most I’ve experienced. Don’t your work-colleagues ever get any actual work done ffs? Small firm with no HR department with the boss joining in is what gives these morons license. Despite your long service I’d be planning to get the hell out of there

ElaineMBenes · 15/11/2023 12:00

I just wondered if this goes on in other work places?
No, people would lose their jobs.

ManateeFair · 15/11/2023 12:00

I just wondered if this goes on in other work places

It's certainly not the norm, no. There will be other workplaces where it happens, but it's wrong in those places just like it's wrong at yours.

If this happened in a larger company in 2023, it would absolutely not be tolerated. I work at a fairly large organisation in the not-for-profit sector and honestly if someone was talking like this in the office it would a disciplinary followed by dismissal. In fact, two managers were sacked four or five years ago for a much more mild offence than what you're describing (slightly gross comments about another colleague's appearance in a private chat group)