Incessant sex banter at work

I agree here OP!

Sitting with your head down for 13 years is being complicit.

If you're not brave enough to stand up to them, next time they try to drag you in say " I don't want to discuss it, I'm not into badmouthing people behind their back"

Head back down, on with work.

In the real world people can’t always confront the group and find a new job after 13 years because a few people are arses. There isn’t always an HR to run to, and if there is people forget that HR is there for the organisation not the employee. Someone up post said to deflect or shut it down every single time, with humour and/or boredom. I second this approach. Board indifference which shows you aren’t going along with the nasty joke and think it’s dumb. Maybe people will get board eventually, maybe your quiet opposition will cause them to reflect. Maybe this is always going to be a negative aspect of this job.

You're as bad as them if you remain silent and therefore complicit. And your colleague who instigates this isn't nice ( even if she did go to an appointment with you) she's a fucking bitch and you should want nothing to do with her

Grow a back bone, explicitly speak up against it as and when it happens and tell your poor colleague what's going down so she had a chance to leave or complain or sue the hell out of the business for bullying

It's not banter and you know it

I would try and record it so you have evidence and save any emails/screenshots of inappropriate messages. That may in time support a case for constructive dismissal. I'd also be looking for a new job.

I read this last week when doing an equalities training module, and I hope it helps strengthen your resolve to tackle this.

You work in a toxic, bullying environment. If you love the job, then you must be fine with what is going on.

I worked in a place like that once, I told them when I found the comments unacceptable to me and I looked for another job. I didn't tolerate it or stay silent.

The comments were never directed at me, but I was not able to let it go by. I left quite quickly.

I used to fucking HATE this when I was younger, the men thought they were utterly hilarious. What a bunch of bullying cunts op.

Awful! I couldn't stand to be around that kind of thing.

I really think you need to stand up to them. I know it's not easy in this kind of environment, and you don't want them to turn against you. Something like "seriously guys, would you want someone to talk about your daughter/mum/girlfriend like that? These conversations actually make me really uncomfortable and it feels a bit like bullying. I know you're all nice people [even though that's questionable] so can we try not to have this kind of chat?" said with the nicest kind of smiley approach so it doesn't feel like you're having a go at them.

You never know there may be one (or more) of the guys there who are also uncomfortable with it but feel the need to join in and be one of the gang, they may jump in and support you.

Horrific bullying and sexual harassment. What do you say when they are debasing a colleague for bantz? Nothing?
I would stop them everytime. Not be 'delicate' be a fucking battleaxe to be reckoned with.

If this happens every day and pretty much everyone joins in, it's deeply embedded within the office culture. This leaves you with 3 options. Ignore it, leave, or start a lengthy process of raising a grievance, which, if upheld may stop it in front of you but will obviously lead to you being alienated too, and if dismissed leaves you nowhere to go but constructive dismissal and ET. The latter being a long stressful process that means you leave there anyway.
What you do depends on your appetite for fighting on principle versus your wish to keep your job with some semblance of harmony with your colleagues. There isn't an option that will enable you to change the culture and get them to stop without significant effort and discomfort for you.
(Personally I'd go down the grievance route, but that's because I'd be looking to leave anyway so would have nothing to lose.)

It's bullying and toxic, blaming the main victim is unkind. You have put up with this for 13 years, why would you want to stay working with a bunch of idiots. If you think they are picking on one person then you can guarantee they pick on everyone behind their back, pathetic wasters.

OP says it's a very small company and that the boss is one of the instigators.
What an awful place to work.

This is not ok. You may want to think about leaving. Even just for a change of scenery, but to get away from this.

It's not banter it's bullying and would be gross misconduct where I work.

You need to report this to senior management OP, I’m at a loss at why you haven’t already. This is very serious and your wish to be liked by your colleagues does not trump that.

THAT is not good at all!! Get a sign (you can get them online) saying sexual harrassment is a crime in the workplace. put it up when no one is looking. failing that you might need to have a private word with the boss and say that a sexual harrassment case in court will not do his company any good! that is often enough to stop the nastiness.

Your just as bad as the rest of them and you've now said the victim is mean too, don't like the responses you're getting eh?

Your boss is breaking the law by not doing anything to prevent this bullying. They have a duty towards their employees.
That they are joining in makes it even worse.

Well its no longer 1973 so unless you are working for Gene Hunt then this is completely unacceptable! They sound cruel and immature .I would think about leaving and looking for a job in a larger company . This would no way be tolerated anywhere else!

Well you are selling a bit of your soul every single day you stay in that job and listen to those disgusting people say foul things about another colleague.

And how on earth did you let that bitch come with you to a hospital appointment? I wouldn't trust her with any personal information. God knows what "jokes" she is making about your health.

this is actually disturbing - a perfect example of what happens when there are a couple of nasty individual and a whole bunch of spineless people who won't stand up for what is right.

This is vile sexual bullying. Your colleagues are hateful and reckless.

You cannot just sit by - either call it out or leave or raise your own grievance / whistleblow in any way you can with management.

I’m sorry you find yourself in such a grim situation.

She’d be heartbroken, what a thoughtless thing to do.

Can you ask for this to me moved to legal maybe and get some advice? Or call ACAS? This is really
horrific. And the thing is, it’s her now, but it could be you next. That sounds a bit extreme, but these people don’t stop, they simply find new victims.

I have found that people repsect calm confidence. When I was young I used to try and be a people pleaser, and opened myself up to workplace bullying and situations where I feebly tried and failed to help others. Now that I'm older and have developed unshakeable feminist beliefs it's much easier. I would calmly and with self assurance say "you are being misogynistic by sexually degrading a female colleague". I would say it matter of factly, without anger or apology in my voice. They'll say it's just a bit of banter, lighten up! You then repeat that it's misogynistic and sexually degrading.

It would also be tedious and misogynistic if they were all in on it, with the woman in question also going around asking people what they'd do to the other woman, as one big joke they all enjoyed. But they don't even have that excuse, it's just bullying.

The target of this is a larger lady, notoriously grumpy, who everyone takes the piss out of incessantly.

She is being systematically bullied, which is appalling. Offer to support her in raising a grievance.